i am sooooooooo drunk -__-.. i don't even know how i'm typing straight, am i typig straight?..Gah ! totally give up.. wanna tak ea bath..smell like chinese whisky.ciggeretes and weed and remenets of deoderant...
*grins*..the after party stink that stays on everyone....
i dont even know why i go there..i love dancing i guess..point to be noted..i dance like a slut and i'm proud of it..*nods* i dont like dancing to trance..cant really dance to it..and no matte rhow much i'd love too..u cant really shake ur ass to marlylin manson...so hip hop it is..*sigh*..which..unless and until i'm not totally sloshed or stoned or both..i dont really enjoy..
gah?!! whats the point o fthis...realy mave chan....ur high
i wish i drank enough to cancel out my thoughts...stupid brain...still thinking of things i'd rather not think about
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if i dont believe..
then two whole years would be just a lie...
its not easy to 'not believe'...
its much more difficult to believe..because you cant really hide the cracks....
it wont be long till it all falls apart...
but what if?
what if it was all true...what if it is the end now...
when i find out..i dont know what i want more..
to hate myself for beliving
or to hate myself for not beliving right at the end...
]]>you've not seen so much..
you havn't seen my piercings, you havnt seen my new haircut, you havn't seen me high, you havnt seen me smoke, you havnt seen me like this...like i am right now...
we havn't done so much...
even though we've done a lot..even though we are supposed to do alot..we havn't done so much.. we havn't done so many things i was supposed to do with you
its funny how you are the 1st person i want to try and do random shit with...and how i never have
is it too late now?...i don't really know
i don't know if i'm trying to be strong or if i really am, i want to make you proud of me, i dont want to disappoint you, i want you to love me coz i'm me *smiles*.... just like you always have
i know i'll do the things we were supposed to do coz even if the sun rises and you're not there....the moonlight is bound to come again later that night.... and i know i'll be ok
just like when it rains and i'll know i'll be ok
but i'm human and i'm selfish..and i'm scared
coz the rain will stop and the sun will rise again....
and when that happens, i wont know which way to turn
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gah!!!!
i'm tired of all of this, i really am *sigh*
this angry little girl is drowning in her petty world.... *sad smile*
i'm scared of who i'm turning into and i'm already sick of who i am now. when did i become like this? I tried so hard not to turn into this monster. i'm seriously scared. when did the things that never really mattered start bothering me so much? when did i start planing and plotting..
thats not who i was..i was the innocent lost drooling bunny .*sad smile*
i'm a jaded glitzy freak, just like the rest.It serves me right... i thought i was better than them, i looked down on them, i pitied them...
now?..*laughs* now i understand them, i hate them, i envy them, i sympathise with them, i look and them and sadly smile coz i'm either just like them or turning very much into what they are
i wish i could go back to who i was..
i wish i could go back to rainy days in pittsvile or summers in goa. i wish i could go back to the time i had a locker in school or the times i spent in the chemistry lab, i wish i could go back to worrying about the boards and if i'll pass worrying about lunch hour and math class,blades and disprin
i can't and i know it..it's somthing i had to give up to survive,all i'm scared of now is if giving up all of that was the right choice. i need to survive..not because of anything but the fact that i owe that much to the girl i was before
i need to make my only one true dream come true...and i will...im just scared of how much it will take out of me and how much the journy will change me
the only comforting thing i have now is somthing a friend told me a few days back..i still remind him of who i used to be in eight grade despite how fucked up i've gotten now..*sigh*
i will make that dream come true u know..for who i was before and whatever in me thats left real...*smiles* i just wish that when i do get there i still have somthing in me that reminds me of the girl i used to be, so that i can enjoy it and aprreciate it just as much as 17 year old Mave would
]]>and just when she was about to give up
a poem made her smile;
you'll always be my torch in the dark...
you'll always be my light
^_^
]]>shot one ; my very first and i'm curious
shot two ; we are togather and having fun
my roomate spills a bit of her shot three and i'm furious
shot four ; my high has begun ^_^
shot five ; everything's pretty and i'm laughing
shot six ; i see pretty colours all around and i smile
seventh shot and i'm fucking depressed;
maybe with a few more after the eight and i'll die
]]>which one of me is real?
the one of times long ago..
the one that was innocent
the one that always backed down
the one that fought
the one who bids her time
the one that believed in a hapily ever after
the one that believed...
the one that cried
the one that died
the one who laughed
the one who always lied
the one who lives in denial
the one that refuses to loose
the one who loves and hates
the one who slowly cuts them all off
the one who knows she's no longer the same
the one who sits here and wonders
the one who dreams
the one that hopes of a future
the one that lives too much in the past
the one who can never face her fears
the one that's scared of the dark..
the one that waits for her ikkou
the one who wants to drink herself away
the one who sits her and wonders
does it really matter anyway?....
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im crying.....
they dropped the bloody manga from manga fox...
then i went looking in the chat threads and found the end narrated by some girl whose half japanese friend read the manga..and told her the end...
i know sad endings r more real..but they hurt so much..after everything they had been through..they desrved so much better...
he never kept his promises...and he wanted to get married to her like he rpromised..so he made it there..even with the whole blood loss..but he was blind by then..and he never got to see what he wanted..her looking pretty in a wedding gown...cliched?..maybe..but it was so sad..*still crying*
they sat there in the altar..talking about a future they could have had, and they both knew they neve rwill coz he was dying..right there in her arms, on their wedding day..*cries*
im depressed...
im sorry..it's just....not a really good time to be reading somthing sad...
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gah!!!..m being told to go to bed..-___-...and im on th elast chapter....
i should burn in hell for reading sappy smutty manga..-__-
i m sooo glad i dont have a laptop with an iternet connection in pune..i'll never get out of my room....
]]>I'm going back..
what did i learn this time?
i learnt that home, till a very distant time in the future will always be last summer.I learnt how to preted and laugh and not get into too many fights,i also learnt to do that would be to shut them out..completely. i learnt that it isn't wise to try and put mascara on my left eye eye with my right hand...i will land up sticking the wand in my eye..-__-
i learnt that this place..like every other place would change and still stay the same...
the sunset from the road behind the golfcourse will always look pretty,it will always be beautiful here after it rains,i will never ever pluck another flower from a tree or a leaf from a bush in passing ,after a time last summer when i got told off for it..*grins*..and that used to be an unconcious habit....people will change..all of them will grow..mature, bitter sentimental,open,childish,frustrated...but we will all grow
i learnt that i will still be lost, that i wont be able to walk past the 3rd house in the 3rd lane anymore...i learnt that people will come and go..but they will just be extras on the huge film set this place seems..they r all forgetable faces..just like mine
i learnt that no matter how much i hate coming back,when time is up..and i have to board the 2330 train on monday's or take the early morning tuesday fight..i dont want to go back...i want to see all the places i made my memories in
because no matter what i say,or what i will turn into a few years down the road..i learnt a lot of things in this place...just like i still do..i started growing u p in this place..i learnt in this place what it would b elike just to be myself..*smiles*
this place is like a photograph of last summer...why would i want to be away from the only link i have to a former home?
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