I guess its time I moved on...
And forgot about tryin to remember...
Who I once was... and don't think can ever be again...
but everythin just made so much mroe sense...
Duty...
it was all that ever mattered...
And all I wanted...
It's still all I want... but it doesn't help anymore...
because she died...
and left me here...
and without her, all I am is this hollow empty shell... tryin so hard to fit in...
and failing...
over
and over
and over...
Tell me the price and I'll pay it...
She died to save my soul...
To make sure I kept it...
But that's nevr what I wanted...
I'll find it again...
who I once was...
It doesn't matter if it kills me...
at least I'll die lookin for me...
and not just existing as this... 'person' I've become...
I'll regain it...
all of it...
With or without the rest of me...
]]>I'm so sorry...
I couldn't do it...
I swore I would... and I tried, I really did... but I guess I didn't try hard enough...
and that's why I'm jus sittin here, tryin to clear my head...
Forgive me...
I'll do anythin to make up for it... if I just knew what to do...
Someone, just tell me....
What do I do?...
Actually, don't forgive me... just forget I ever existed...
I'll deal eith it.
And I'll be okay in the end...
It's just till I'm there... that I need to know what to do...
Till then... it'll be okay... as long As I get trashed tonight...
]]>
I hate bein alone...
and I absolutely LOVE it at the same time...
It's the only time I can really think... and I hate doin that... but I need to...
Does that make any sense?
It doesn't really to me...
You know, Iw as jus lookin at some old pictures... and It felt so weird...
it was like I was lookin at someone else's life... n I guess in a way I am...
I dunno..
I must get everythin back togethr.. but I can't seem to...
Doesn't matter... at least not right now...
I love this...
if it was up tp me... I would be like this every single wakin moment of my existence...
it's better than bein asleep... n Havin the same dream every night...
the one I can never remember...
I hate wakin up after that,,,
Just for once,... I want to go to sleep without really worryin bout it... I don't think it'll happen...
Not after my stupid vow...
I hate it when ppl swear to god... someone who they've never really seen in their lives...
i know that sometimes the most real things are the ones you can't believe... but... I dunno....
I just want all this to make sense someday...
Not today though...
Today. I am happy lost in this maze of disillusionment. Oh my, is that even how it's spelt?
I dunno....
I love it when none of this triviality matters....
"And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea...
but for now, we are young
Let us play in the sun
and count all the beautiful things we can see,,,"
There always seem to be so many more of those when I feel this way...
and I love it...
I do NOT care if ppl think it's nasty of me, or horrible or whatever that I end up this way...
thois is the closest to happy memories that I have...
Everythin else is too distant....
It'll never matter... n that's what I love...
I don't know if 37 and a half is what I'll reach/cross... but for now... that's good enough...
Am I good enough yet??
I dunno...
and it doesn't matter....
Never mind this randomness...
I'll see you later, kay?....
]]>Research papers.
Fuck them!
Don’t get me wrong. I love research.
The whole concept of reading up on things other people have written on a subject and then compiling them into a paper so that some other poor soul can read it along with the other 56.876 billion papers written on the same subject to compile yet another research paper fascinates me.
I guess the part that bothers me is deadlines.
Hmm..
Rephrase.
Deadlines. FUCK them!
Which reminds me (as most things sadly seem to do now days), my papers are due in 4 days!!!
4 days?!!!
How am I supposed to come up with anything decent in 4 days???
I guess I could have started earlier when most sane people did so that they wouldn’t have to pull so many all-nighters cursing deadlines… but seriously, lets be practical here.
Who starts working weeks before deadlines?
That defeats the whole purpose of deadlines, which is to cause indescribable pain and mental trauma and force you to work and come up with something brilliant under all the pressure. Or shoot yourself.
However, since this is not the United States, and guns are slightly harder to come across, the latter option isn’t exactly available.
Which, unfortunately explains why most people start researching earlier.
]]>Nothing left to say but goodbye...
Should've said it, ne?
It wouldn't have been that hard... but I didn't..
Because?
Because, people are just like that...
They just keep hoping... and no matter how much I... and all those people out tehre say they hate them... in the end, we're all just the same...
Eternally hopeful. optimistic... Scared...
We may say that we don't care, and that nothing or no one matters anymore. but somethin always does... That's why we eep listenin to the same music, and readin the same stories over and over... coz we hoep that the ending changes... but it never does... and even when we realize that... we just keep on hoping...
Stupid.
That's all that we really are...
And so naive...
I guess we have to be, right?
Coz there has to be some reason...
Oh man! I really should stop coming here after I've had so much to drink...
I'm goin to go before I say somethin "stupid" that I'll regret for ever...
Online nonsense hangs arouns your neck jus so much longer than thoughts...
Cya later then I guess....
"If I need to, yeah, I will keep you in the corner of my eye..."
Sorry for losing sight of you...
I hope everythin is okay...
]]>I shouldn't even be writin right now... especially not directly...
Am so high...
It's jus so sad, that all we seem to be livin on are pictures of each other... whether real or the ones in our head...
I jus miss reality you know?
I guess all of us try so hard to escape it, that when we finally do, we're jus too glad to really care bout what we've given up...
But I do...
I'd rather live in total fear of the real tmrw... than safe in a fake today...
I miss everythin that kept me going... before it turne out to be just these substitutions...
But that's all any of us do, no?
Replace reality with somethin fake... because artificialty is so much more perfect than reality...
There's nothin I've ever wanted more... but I guess you always feel like that bout even the substitutions...
I guess, in the end, all you can do is stop wondering what you've traded in for where you are... because this is where you are... and this is what you now are...
You can never go back... so there's no real use of regret...
Front porches... I just miss swinging... the moment of weightlessness, when nothin matters... not the ground nor the fact that you'll always only be there... stuck to the pkace you've carved out for yourself...
You can miss the ppl you got used to... but thats all you can do... you can't wish em back... not the moments... and not the people...
Who we were, will always mean so much... but it can never defeat what we are now... all we can do is get used to it... and stop complaining...
"Swing life away"
I suggest you hear this song... Thanks for the song link Mave-chan...
Thats pretty miuch all the junk I have to spew this time...
Cya later...
*smiles*
]]>So that’s how it ends.
Tragic.
Annoying coz there isn’t enough of Zaphod and despite his idiotic selfishness I liked him. He’s mentioned TWICE in book four and five times in the next book. It is really annoying! And I wanted to know what it was that had been locked away in his mind. *sigh* He was vain and arrogant, but he had a right to be. Not enough Zaphod. And I can’t even hope to know what all those still uncovered secrets were/are coz Adams is dead.
Damn it.
Arthur on the other hand, has definitely grown. He’s still lost but takes all of it so much better. Lol. The whole thing kind of revolves around him which is understandable as something from the point of view of an alien wouldn’t make a whole lot of sense, not to mention it would be a million times harder to manage!
Trillian is not my favorite character. She shouldn’t have left. Not him and not like that. *sigh* No details too. Why did she finally leave him? Where is he? Did they do whatever he had to do? Does he still have the improbability drive? Does he know that Ford, Arthur and Trillian are dead? Or about Random?
And Ford, I’d grown to completely adore him. He was the “realest” of the group. Trillian might have been the most intelligent, Arthur the most ‘ordinary’, and Zaphod the most, well, insane (but in a cool way *nods*), but Ford was clever enough, he was normal enough and definitely insane enough. Besides he did things that I can almost call honorable. He didn’t have to take Arthur with him when the earth exploded, he didn’t have to find out what was goin' on with the guide, he could have left… *sigh* The saddest is when Ford finds the matchbox and hands it to Arthur and they both realize that after this they were to die so soon and Arthur looks up and Ford is sitting back and laughing wildly… Kind of just killed me, and I’m not very sure why…
The last book, by itself, is more ominous than the others. It is also sadder and seems to constantly drive home the point that sometimes the saddest things happen for no reason whatsoever and in ways that leave no room for prevention. Fenchurch’s disappearance, the Gleburons(or whatever the Heck they were called!!!) blowing up Earth, Tricia not leaving with Zaphod in this alternate Earth…
The concept of reverse engineering too is eerie. Reminds you of fate and the whole ‘All is written in stone’ thing. Scary to think of something evil getting their hands on whatever it is that actually writes on these stones. Which is what the bird was like. Scary. Deathly actually, because if it decides something is going to happen, no matter what you do to try and stop it from happening, you’ll only be helping the process.
In my mind, I know Zaphod will find a way to bring them back and together they’ll go on another insane adventure and destroy the Vogons, restore the guide and if they want, die in the process, but not like this. Not so mindlessly. There has to be a reason, and more importantly a purpose to their deaths. That’s why I know Zaphod will come back. Besides, he still has the improbability field. And with that ANYTHING’s possible. *nods*
Anyway, I think I’ll be off now. Have 3 more hours before I have to wake up… Hey, maybe I should try stayin up the entire nite today!!! Can sleep after the walk in the morning! Yeah!!! That would work perfectly. I can finish off my age of empires campaign now!!! ^_^
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