10 posts from April 2008

3 Stitches...
And I don't even remember why or how...
All I know is...
I was found by our disciplinary committee member, wanderin outside her door
And she made me sit down
She gave me a wet piece of cloth and asked me to hold it up against my face...
When I finally pulled it away... I realized there was blood all over it...
I looked down, n the shirt I was wearing were covered in blood...

The las thing I remember was walkin up the stairs...
For less than 20 minutes, there's a void in my memory...
And I've been up all night tryin to figure out how or why...
but I jus don't know...
They gave me a shot for anesthesia, tetanus and another random one...
They stitched up my fore head...
And it didn't even really hurt...

What really does is, that I can't remember...
And I'm tired of livin out a story...

2042
It's an experiment...
Always wanted to do this...
Will record statements every 15/20 mins...
Wanna note 'progress'
*grins*
Let's see...

2054
When did things changfe so much?
I can't even remember...

2128
Room mate's on the phone...
Am afraid of the things am sayin...
I hav to stop...
Under oath,,,
Stil in the process
Gettin hiugh...
I LOVE this!!!
^_^

2140
^_^
Who said happiness was hard?
...
Oh wait. -_-
That was me.
-_-

2204
Almost out of substance...
And am still in complete control...
Dunno how much of agood thing that is anymore...

Well...
lets see...

22213
Pardon me...
While I burst into flames....
Pardom me s I burn
and rise abive the flame...
*smiles*

Forgve me?...

2220
I dunno wat makes sense anymire...
*laughs*'
Not that anythings; new thre
Been like that for a while now...
At leats now...
Instead of jus bein ok with it as I've been for a while...
I'm back to lookin...'
to searchin...
and I knw I'll find the answer...
No matter what they say...

2234
I know I'll never be the same...
but you know what?
THAT... I'm okay with...

250
Each broken heart eventually mends...?
Each and every?...
I just am not that sure anymore...

2255
I tried you know...
To forget...
But I jus can't seem to...
There's too much that a blank anyway...

2300
WaS it wirth it?
All of this?...
I dunno...
but I WILL find out...
Till then...
Jade here...
Signin out...
*smiles*

*click*
*light*
*drag*

heh...

At least the day dosn't begin that way...
The first of the day is usually in the second break...
even on the days I decide I won't smoke today... well, someone always wants to go..
and you go along...
company's sake...

But then, you're there so may as well, ne?
After all, there's always tmrw, right?
Except...
every tmrw is an exact repetition of today...

You know...
it wasn't supposed to be this way
*laughs*
But I guess that's what you always say, no matter how things turn out...

Is it a good thing?
That I'm really here?
I dunno...
I really don't...

It doesn't really matter, does it?,,,
Does it?,..

I dunno... too tired to think now...
Too tired...
It's been a while...
I love this...
Love everything shuttin down one by one...
Yeah, so my lungs are goin to die, but well, my liver's keepin it company...
lol, and as my 'friends' say, so is my life...
Doesn't matter...

Why though?
Most of the times, I'm ok with it...
In fact, I'm glad its this way...
I wanted this, no?
A life where I was in total control...
except...
am I?

Yeah, I'm free of people...
and the only place these thoughts find existence (other than in my head) is here...
And no one I know in real life reads themmm...
Jus online 'friends'... too far away to anythin bout it...
Exactly the way I wanted it...

So much more...
I could've had it all...
but then again in a way I guess I do...
Projects? Don't really matter, right?
Marks?
Well, not bankin too much on gettin by five yeas anyhow...
Why do I care now then?
Coz... well... No matter what...
I'll fight as long as I have to.
As long as there's an option..
It may seem like I'm losing...
but right now... stayin alive takes top priority...
and well... whatever helps me make sure I do... it's ok...
Long run?
Honestly speakin, am too worked up bout short run to care...

Someday, I'll leave it all behind...
And be everything I wanted to be...
but for now...
*click*
*light*
*drag*
I'm goin to concentrate on stayin alive...

Waste of good money.
-_-
It hasn't even hit me.
-_-

Kay, that's it!!!
I hav half a bottle left....

This better work

*shudders*

There have GOT to be easier (and cheaper) ways of doin this
-_-

I thought it was the right thing to do...
I never meant to hurt anyone...
I thought... that they'd never notice...
They weren't supposed to...
and now he's hurt and it's all my fault... and I can't even explain why...
What am I supposed to say?
...

I love this song...

It's... perfect...

You can make that out just from the opening itself...

Moth... by Audioslave.

12 - Moth

Thought I was different, it seems I'm just the same

As again I put my hand over the flame...

Explains everythin you ever felt but couldn't put in words...

Every single time, you think that this time, it'll be different...

This time, you won't fall...

that you won't let the same thing happen ever again...

but it always does...

Thought I was smarter as I flew into the sun

...

I don't fly around your fire anymore...

It's what you keep tellin yourself... but no matter how many times you burn, and how many times you fall, you always crawl back to the light...

Over and over...

Like a dying moth...

I love the heat, I love the things that I forgot

I love the strings that tie me down and cut me off

And it's true...

You really do...

Just like dreams you can't remember...

no matter the pain they cause...

you love them, because you know they mean that there IS an answer...

and it's not just the darkness out there...

When did the flame burn so high and get so hot...

And how didn't you notice?

The flames creeping higher and higher...

Maybe because that also meant it was getting so much brighter...

and sometimes,... chasing away the dark is worth getting burned...

Why do you stay?

Every time...

Why?

You know what happens when you get too close to the flames...

when you stay too long...

You know exactly what happens...

and yet you stay...

Why?

I wouldn't really know...

but in the end... I guess... isn't it better to burn brightly for a while than fade away slowly into the cold night?

Maybe...

just maybe...

that's why...

Should I just keep on chasing pavements?
Even if they lead nowhere...

(Adele)

I don’t wanna see!
I don’t!
I never asked for this…

I still can’t tell the difference… between what’s real and what’s not…

And I don’t care anymore…

Because… it’s all equally real to me… and hence equally fake…

Why would anyone wish for this?

I don’t understand…

Just… either make it all go away… or make it all mean something… anything…

I’m tired of wondering when everything will make sense…

I just want to know why… it’s always like this…
I want to know how I got here…
And I want to know if there’s actually a way out…

Be strong?

Gentle?

Proud?

Of what?

Explain to me…

I always thought that there would be something we would all look forward to… and some memory that we’d always keep with us forever…

And every time things got too hard to bear, I could just shut my eyes and think of that one day… and everything would be fine… but…

I can’t remember…

I can’t remember any part of that…
Who I was… What it meant… Nothing…

It’s hurtful… to think that there was a time when everythin mattered so much… and when a single word could brighten up the day… and make even the darkest skies seem beautiful…

There must have been a day like that… right?...

Then… Why can’t I remember?

Why is it so far away?

I remember… when it rained… and I’d sit outside waiting… for something to make it all better… but nothing ever did…

No matter how long I waited…

I know there was a time when all that mattered was everyone close to me being happy…

When did I settle for safe?

When did I decide that was more important?

Why can’t I remember?

I want to…

But I’m so afraid… of remembering… because I’ve tried so hard to forget…

I must have my reasons right?

We all do…

Always…

But still, some days… when it rains… I find myself waiting…

And I still don’t know for what…