Tonight's going to be my 'alone time' night. A bottle of water, a bar of chocolate and music... and I'm all set for the night. It translates to a lot of thinking and a lot of writing, which means a LOT of posts. Should be a good thing considering I haven't done much of the former for a while now...
J canceled vivas but I had mine today. I told proff. that my dad was coming to town on Monday and that it would be nice if he could hold the viva today. How did it go? I dunno. And right now, the important part is that its over. Heh. -_- This sort of thinking is so gonna get me KILLED!!!
Then G.B, A.M and I went out to nags in the pouring rain in A.M's car and drank coffee. Smoked a cigarette and then came back and waited in the parkin lot for the rain to stop. Listenin to music, watching the rain, smoking... was very calming... Of course then we had to run through the rain coz A.M's sister needed the car. Lol...
I didn't smoke up. Am I proud? Glad? Retarded? lol, I dunno. Didn't feel like yesterday when I crushed that cigarette... but it still felt kinda nice. Is this a new phase? I sure hope so... I'm gettin tired of the old one. Oh, on that note, lemme type out a msg I sent to a friend today.
"You know what? I loathe what life's become. I loathe that smoking, drinking and drugs is wat everything seems to revolve around. I hate that I've now really become someone I was sure I'd never be. And I'm scared that once I stop.. I'll have nothing to replace it with. Lol, but trying's what life's all about, no? I succeeded at gettin into it. Will I make it out? That's something I'm too afraid to try now. And I dunno if its because I may fail.. Or because I may succeed"...
I walked around in the rain for a while. I love the rain. *laughs* I know, I know, I say it too many times... but I do... Like I said today... Give me endless rain and I'll give up everything else. Everything.
Am sitting outside the socio prof's room. 6 of us are waiting here for the vivas. I think I'm up next. I like these people. Its a very 'chill' crowd, if I may use that term. I should be readin up, but I just don't feel like.
Someone just passed me a roach. Should I? Should I not? I don't know... And Ak's out for the night as well... Okay then, guess its decision time...
Ak, E.S and I went to Polar Bear for lunch. It was fun. Kinda random, but then, what the heck. i can take random... Today morning was pretty bad. I missed the first hour and slept instead. It was weird coz I kept passin in and out of sleep. Everytime I woke up it was a different feeling. Dreams merged with reality... Once I woke up devastated, only to realize... that nothing had really happened. But it was much worse when I woke up believing everything had been sorted out... to find that nothing had changed...
Depressing messaging all the way into the next two hours... after which, somehow things sorted themselves out... At least temporarily.
I can take complicated. And I can live with hazy boundaries.
Today was a very sadly beautiful day. Ak and I went to NSS for lunch. Took an auto there. Sang throughout the way (as usual). Had a Paper Masala Dosa each. Laughed at our lives. And then decided to embark upon the hunt for a rubik's cube. After a million shops and a thousand streets (pardon the exaggeration), we found one. I bought one for myself as well.
We then went to CCD, picked up an iced eskimo and a tropical iceberg and started to walk back. On the way, we bought water. I hate doing that by the way. When we were near the circle, I saw this path into the grass and turned. Ak tried to remind me about my impending viva, but I wasn't really in the mood for caring. So we walked... and walked and walked. It was beautiful. it felt great. So what if it was escapism? So what if all the beautiful things made me feel sadder? The walk was great, the path was brilliant, and we had fun!
We walked on the new flyover, cut through some weird forest and reached ammas! It was nice. Very Heidi like.
In the evening, we went to Juice junction. I bought two cigarettes. Smoked the first, lit the second and after twor drags... crushed it. It was the greatest way I've spent 4 bucks in a long time. It felt... liberating.
He's mad at me again. We keep running in the same predictable little circles, never getting anywhere. It scares me. The whole situation. So much so, that every bone in my body is screaming at me to turn and run. As fast as possible and as far as possible. yet for some strange twisted inconceivable reason, I just don't. As I was walkin behind him today, wanting to explain, to try and make sense of this whole mess, I kept trying to say something, but the words just wouldn't come. They got twisted and lost inside. No, in fact, they simply disappeared. Burned up so completely that I didn't even have any ashes to show for my thoughts.
And I would have followed. But then what? I don't know what the point of all this is. I really really honestly don't understand. We're just causing each other and ourselves so much pain. But I can't leave. I'm tired of not understanding. I just want someone to explain to me what in the world is going on.
Sometimes, I want to pick up a rock and hit him on the head, really hard! Or just shake him till his teeth rattle. I want him to tell me what it is thats bothering him. I hate him being mad at me. And he's always mad at me. I thought I'd just avoid him coz I thought that it was the right thing to do. I thought he'd be better off if I was just gone... but weirdly enough, its like being bound. He has to tell me I have to leave, and only then will I be able to. I don't want to, but if it makes everything ok, I will...
I just don't know what to do. I don't know what'll make everything better... I don't know if anything ever will...
But last night, I was sitting there, with those shards of glass spread out before me. It was almost 5 in the morning, and then he messaged saying he had jus woken up for some strange reason... and I was so scared. I don't understand this.
I'm tired of being glass. And I'm tired of shattering...
There are five of them. There's pink, green, yellow, blue and orange. All in neon of course. The pink and yellow are really loose and keep falling off, but as off now I havn't lost any of them.
Once, A.M stuck one to my wrist with 'WAKE UP' written on it in big letters. An orange one.
They're bright and look opaque when together. Individually though, they're thin and transparent. I love holding them up to the light and flipping through them. I love the way the translucence fades and returns. Sometimes I like them better when they're so easy to see through... at other times, I need them to be stuck together with their edges loose. It helps me remember that no matter how apparent anything is, it isn't necessarily all that's going on. And no matter how well you think you know someone, no matter how easily you can see through them, there will always be something that'll help close them off from you. And then they'll be just as opaque as a bunch of neon flags stuck together... and there's nothing you can do.
Okay, it seems like my narrative descriptive writing ability has gone to a complete ZERO!!! Not that I ever was brilliant, but all this abstract, disjointed, emoticon based, thought noting and writing has brought it down to a new low. So from now on, I aim to improve. How? Well, you'll see. All I can say is, be prepared for a lot of posts about a lot of nothing...
A lot of nothing.
heh. That sounds so ironically-fitting. Oh well, I shall leave now.
So its almost time to go home again. Home. Where is home? For the last 4 odd years, it's been the house at the end of the road. The one with the mango tree in the front yard. Opposite where the buses stop for the school... and where the children play football in the evening. Its been the house I felt relieved seeing when my fourth round of running was up... and the one I hated returning to every once in a while. It was the place where I could stand in the garden and hear my dog bark... and the place from where the arguing voices somehow reached everywhere.
Wow, in this one para, I've listed so many things I love. I'm goin to miss that place. I'm going to miss the rain falling and the water filling up in our front yard to the point where we had to wade through it all. I'm going to miss sitting outside during storms and watch lightning flash across the sky. I'm going to miss the two weird doors, where one closed on its own and the other just refused to.
I'll miss the chair my dog used to sit on and look out from dolefully when we'd be leaving to anyplace... and where she'd be sitting and barking happily as we drove back. I'll miss Estel's grave... I'll miss the flowers and the smell of real earth early in the morning.
I'm going to miss waking up early in the morning coz its my turn to walk sparky, feeling miserable about it, and just stepping outside and realizing I'd give up all my sleep to just watch the sky like that a few more times...
Yeah, I'm going to miss that place. Was it home? I don't know... but its not where I'll be going... and I'm going to miss it... a lot...
This time, everything will be alright. I'll fix it all, you'll see. At the end of this, I'll make sure every thing's fine. And I'll make sure everybody's happy. And then when they start to play my favorite song, I'll slip away. And I'll never get to hear the end, but it'll be okay... because... this time I won't have failed.
Everybody will be happy. you'll see.
And I. I will be okay.
What right do I have to destroy something so precious?...
So important?
What right do I have to take away something so loved?
So cherished?
None Jade Midori. None at all.
Just walk away.
And it'll rain again, but this time I'll walk through it alone... and I'll laugh every time I remember... and then, I'll sit down for a cup of coffee. Maybe this time... just maybe, I'll even cry. And when I'm done, I'll stand up and pay what I owe, and I'll walk out.
Hopefully, it'll still be raining...
*laughs*
This is just insane...
Completely insane...
And I can't believe I'v brought this whole thing on myself...
Where do I go now?
I know what to do...
I know what to say...
but where do I go?
It hurts so much...
*pause...*
*laughs*
And I'm the one who asked for pain no?
I'm the one who wanted to know if I was alive...
Do I know yet?
I don't know...
but I guess you have to be alive if you're dying...
and I guess you're alive if you can bleed...
So I'll stand here... and I'll bleed...