20 posts tagged “alone”

I never said goodbye...

This blog contains the person I was a life-time ago. The girl who started writing here was one who had never seen a "real" rock concert in her whole entire life. She had never tasted sushi. She didn't live far away from home. She laughed and cried and spent her evenings cycling on dark empty roads. She'd never been kissed.

She believed in silly pointless dreams and remembered every single thing. She had never smoked a cigarette before. And the only alcohol she had ever really had was beer. She had never been drunk. She wrote letters all night. And burned them up before she could read them. She didn't know "Purple Haze" was a song.

Things mattered to her. She could cry once in a while. Sure, she did some silly things and made some horrible mistakes. But we learned from them. We learned from them all. She never remembered her dreams. She listened to Linkin Park all the time. "Drugs" were an umbrella term for mind-wrecking addictive substances that she knew she may try "once".

That girl did all those things she had never done before while she was here. And somewhere in the many pages, I lost her. Actually, I killed her. Slowly. Bit by bit. It was never my intention, but I did it anyway.

She wouldn't have lasted. I killed her to save us all. I had to.

So much has changed. I have changed. And that's why, I have to go.

To all of you out there, thank you for everything. I still find my way back here once in a while to check on you guys. Silently and quietly.
Sato-kun, you write as beautifully as ever! If morbidity could ever be beautiful, that is.
Toyesh-kun, we should talk more. Really.
Pyratic, come back? It's been too long...
Sophia-chan, I'm still with you, laughing with you and smiling when I see words that I can identify with.
Makubex, you've been gone so long. We should catch up sometime.

My new blog id is "http://theverylastdrag.blogspot.com/". You may not recognize me... though the last few posts in this blog were a certain and definite prophecy that has now been fulfilled. And one that I'm sure you shall all appreciate in hindsight.

I've come to say goodbye. I will always be here, and anytime any of you need to get in touch with me, just leave me a message here. I'll read it. And I won't take too long.

To the blog... thank you for being my diary and keeping my soul together. Thank you for listening, for the many realizations that have dawned as I typed here, for the company late at night... And thank you for helping me grow.

"Ah, but I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now."

Goodbye.

Maybe...
Maybe, one day I'll realize the same thing he already has...
Maybe I already have, but just don't wanna face it...
The fact of the matter is, I'm fucked... and sometimes, I don't think there is any hope left...
I guess...
I guess I'll let this be my one last shot...
No.
I need to rephrase that.
This IS my last shot...
and I don't know if it will work.
Maybe it won't.
Maybe it will...
Either way, only time can tell.
Time, and the rest of us...

I'm confused again.
And suddenly so sad, but in a pleasant way... like you are after you've had a brilliant day. You know its over... Or more like... well, I can't explain. Thus the confusion...

I don't want to hurt anyone.
Especially not someone I care about.
But I do that so often... and so... I dunno what to do...

"Go with the flow"
that's what you said
Well, I hurt you too... and I'm still learning to live with that.

No matter what
This time is going to be different.
It has to be...

Thank you...
All of you...

Forgive me.

What if...
you're never proved wrong?
you don't ever get to say what you had to...
you don't ever make it to the hill...
you go back on your word
you fall, and can not get back up
you lose
you never learn
you learn, but don't know what to do with your lesson
you fail
you can't protect them
you lie
you can't control things around you
you end up looking for excuses
someone you believed in trips you
you're too late
you keep falling

I guess...
you just stand up again... and keep walking
coz losing with honor...
is better than hating yourself for staying alive...

I am cold.
Am I supposed to be cold?
I can not remember...

If I was not cold, would I be warm?
Or would there just be nothing at all?

I am not asleep.
But am I awake?
I don't know anymore.

Could I be dreaming?
But then, when am I to awaken?

I am not you.
But am I me?
I can not be sure...

Am I just the girl in the mirror?
Then... is it the glass that is shattering,... or is it I?

It was too pretty a day to be sad
So she tied a red ribbon in her hair

and she laughed

Even though the walls kept shrinking
and the roof kept crumbling

She laughed

Even as the cold rain fell
and as the darkness grew

She laughed

Even as the world began to fade
and the snow began to fall

And then
When the last one was gone
She turned
put the chairs on the tables
Locked the doors
and sat down to cry

But she could not remember how to...

It is cold tonight
Yet I leave the window open
And I keep looking out...
waiting.

I do not wait for a long lost lover
Nor a close friend
I do not wait for the coming of dawn
nor for the chirping of birds...

I just wait.

I wait for time to run out
as I am certain it one day shall
I wait for a voice to call out to me
one I am sure to follow...

I wait. For a sign.

Sometimes I can't take the phone ringing
Over and over, it glows
I don't want to hear your voice
I don't want to talk
Leave me alone!
So, I pretend to be asleep
Pretend to be away
Because apologizing is so much easier
than forcing inside the pain
and then maybe I can believe
You won't call again...

You lie
I have no right to the truth
I lie
and you have no right to the truth
You yell
and I yell back
I yell
and you yell back
and then we laugh
You cry
and I tell you its going to be ok
I cry
and you tell me everything will be fine

You lie
and I stab you with words
I lie
and you don't know
You yell
and I yell back
I yell
and then shut down
You don't cry
...
I don't cry
...