JadeMidori’s blog

JadeMidori - 03 June 2008 03:40:07

nobody@vox.com(JadeMidori) — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 03:34:31 +0530

Don't use such strong words. They make your weakness that much more apparent...

But don't you see?
Words are all I have...

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JadeMidori - 31 May 2008 01:26:42

nobody@vox.com(JadeMidori) — Sat, 31 May 2008 01:21:07 +0530

He's mad at me again. We keep running in the same predictable little circles, never getting anywhere. It scares me. The whole situation. So much so, that every bone in my body is screaming at me to turn and run. As fast as possible and as far as possible. yet for some strange twisted inconceivable reason, I just don't. As I was walkin behind him today, wanting to explain, to try and make sense of this whole mess, I kept trying to say something, but the words just wouldn't come. They got twisted and lost inside. No, in fact, they simply disappeared. Burned up so completely that I didn't even have any ashes to show for my thoughts.

And I would have followed. But then what? I don't know what the point of all this is. I really really honestly don't understand. We're just causing each other and ourselves so much pain. But I can't leave. I'm tired of not understanding. I just want someone to explain to me what in the world is going on.

Sometimes, I want to pick up a rock and hit him on the head, really hard! Or just shake him till his teeth rattle. I want him to tell me what it is thats bothering him. I hate him being mad at me. And he's always mad at me. I thought I'd just avoid him coz I thought that it was the right thing to do. I thought he'd be better off if I was just gone... but weirdly enough, its like being bound. He has to tell me I have to leave, and only then will I be able to. I don't want to, but if it makes everything ok, I will...

I just don't know what to do. I don't know what'll make everything better... I don't know if anything ever will...

But last night, I was sitting there, with those shards of glass spread out before me. It was almost 5 in the morning, and then he messaged saying he had jus woken up for some strange reason... and I was so scared. I don't understand this.

I'm tired of being glass. And I'm tired of shattering...

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25th March: 2319

nobody@vox.com(JadeMidori) — Wed, 21 May 2008 01:42:59 +0530

Note- A letter to a friend. Hey, you wanted me to put this up here right? Even though you're probably never gonna read it...

Let’s talk tonight.

I know we should have done it long ago… while you were still around… but we were always so caught up in everything else…

And now you’ve gone so far away…

So, I guess I’ll just have to do with talking to the wall, hoping that somehow you can hear the words I always meant to say…

I never lied to you.

I always said, that this couldn’t go on forever, and that sooner or later, I meant to leave… and you agreed saying if I didn’t leave you surely would…

If both of us were so sure that this was all a mistake, then why do I feel so lost right now?

I keep wondering how you’re doing.

You seem fine…

And so I pretend I am too…

But every time you see right through me, I feel… horrible… as if I really am invisible, floating through this foreign world like some sort of ghost.

And I feel alone…

You told me that you were finally content… and that everything finally seemed like it was under control…

I don’t wanna mess that up.

I can’t… but I know that if I stick around for a while, I will…

So you’ll never see the scars, and you’ll never really hear what I‘m trying to say…

I guess it’s not really us talking tonight…

It’s just me…

And no one’s listening…

Good night darling.

For what its worth, thank you…

2330

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JadeMidori - 02 April 2008 02:23:04

nobody@vox.com(JadeMidori) — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 02:18:36 +0530

Be strong?

Gentle?

Proud?

Of what?

Explain to me…

I always thought that there would be something we would all look forward to… and some memory that we’d always keep with us forever…

And every time things got too hard to bear, I could just shut my eyes and think of that one day… and everything would be fine… but…

I can’t remember…

I can’t remember any part of that…
Who I was… What it meant… Nothing…

It’s hurtful… to think that there was a time when everythin mattered so much… and when a single word could brighten up the day… and make even the darkest skies seem beautiful…

There must have been a day like that… right?...

Then… Why can’t I remember?

Why is it so far away?

I remember… when it rained… and I’d sit outside waiting… for something to make it all better… but nothing ever did…

No matter how long I waited…

I know there was a time when all that mattered was everyone close to me being happy…

When did I settle for safe?

When did I decide that was more important?

Why can’t I remember?

I want to…

But I’m so afraid… of remembering… because I’ve tried so hard to forget…

I must have my reasons right?

We all do…

Always…

But still, some days… when it rains… I find myself waiting…

And I still don’t know for what…

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JadeMidori - Sunday, January 27, 2008 3:28:38 PM

nobody@vox.com(JadeMidori) — Sun, 27 Jan 2008 15:52:21 +0530

A rainless part of twelve. Cold doesn’t seem the same anymore. And now, again I stand where I once stood.

The same, but just so different.

A few more days. Then it would have been a year. Ravens shriek and robins sing. And I miss the fire of the stars. 66. Should have got further.

The name’s Bond. James Bond. And then we all fall down.

To the end of the bottomless pit.

How many special people change?

Do they remain the same people? Are they still special?

If so, then why were there never any phone calls?

Why couldn’t there be any conversation?

“Yes darling, everything’s fine. I’m ok. How have you been?”

Senseless. Pointless.

“No, I’m not sleepy. It’s the drugs.”

Hurtful. True.

Click. Light. Drag.

Over and over.

Till everything is on the other side of the haze.

And if you concentrate hard enough, the voices stay there too. So you listen to none except the ones in your head.

“No. It’s not coz I was avoiding you.”

Lies.

Mine.

Songs that sing themselves.

Why have you forsaken me?

God doesn’t forsake any of his children.

And then darkness claims the fire. And she dances away happily into the cold.

And I know these voices in my head are mine alone.

“Don’t isolate yourself.”

I’m not. I’m jus isolating everyone else.

And they all fall down.

I just go higher. And higher.

What goes up has got to fall.

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Snow will melt...

nobody@vox.com(JadeMidori) — Tue, 20 Feb 2007 17:02:28 +0530

I'm so so tired.
So very tired.
Tell me, whats the point of it all?...

Its been almost four years... I should have died that nite... I shouldn't have survived...
Sometimes I think that the reason everything is jus so... fucked up... is coz I lived... I cant help but think I was meant to die that day...

How different would things be?...
If I had taken my life that nite...?
And how different would life be if I had never existed...?
Thats all I want to know...
I know I've caused pain here... I jus need to know the extent of the pain...

Atonement...
Thats what this is supposed to be...
But all I do is cause more pain...
More n more...
Who does it help?
My existence?...

I dont need it anymore...
I dont want it...

STOP TRYIN TO SAVE ME...
Let me stay on this tower of ice...
Its cold but I need to be here to survive...
Its the only thing that can contain me... till it's time...

The snow wont stop fallin...
But I dont mind..
It seems so fresh, so pure...
so... untainted...

I should have left...
I shouldnt hav got this "second chance"
I dont want it...
But now, Im cursed to stay...
I'll stay n hold ur hand through the dark...
If you promise not to miss me...
When I leave...
I have no reason to stay...
But Im cursed...
Cursed to exist till the last flake falls...
Till its almost dawn...
And then when the sun's rising...
and the cold's melting away...
I'll look into the sun....
And I'll fade away...
along wid the stars...
and along with the snow..
till all thats left behind with you..
is the sun rising in the sky...
a puddle of cold water slowly warming on the ground
where my tower once stood tall in the snow...
and the memory of a dream...
where all was dark... but I cud stay...
Im sorry but its time... I will fade away...

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Jus... thinkin

nobody@vox.com(JadeMidori) — Wed, 24 Jan 2007 12:18:28 +0530

Note- This was written by me in my "wonderful" college in Nov 2006... *sigh*... Dont ask...

They ask me why I don't smile anymore. They wanna know what happened to my "enthusiasm", "cheerful spirit" and "bright and friendly nature"... Why I sit all alone in a corner, Why I dont take part in the debates, discussions and Dramas...

What am I supposed to say?

I can't smile anymore coz it takes too much effort, coz it takes energy I just don't have anymore. As for why I'm always so "quiet" and "depressed", why I've "changed" so much... I don't really know how to explain it. When I got here I was carrying forward with the momentum of the previous few years of my life. You could compare me to a cell, I need recharging and I havn't been able to do that for a long time. I could still smile since I amn't totally out of charge yet... But every pretend smile & laugh, every pretend carefree word & sentence takes so much out of me, that I'm sure that if I keep it up... I will die out...

I've been this way all my life. But before, I always managed to hide, to pretend I could... feel. I managed to smile when times needed smiling, to laugh when circumstance demanded it. I could pretend... because I had to. If I didnt, there would be questions. Unasked and unanswerable. And I didnt wanna see those questions in people's eyes. But here, how does it matter? Why should I pretend anymore? What for?

If you think I care one bit about the whispers behind my back, the pointing fingers, the snickering, the laughing or even the full out discussions... you're wrong. Dead wrong. I've never really cared about what people think.. maybe what they feel... but never what they think. Before, I was surrounded by people who were foolish enough to get too close to me,... no, to be honest, I was foolish to let them... & then every action of mine had the power to hurt them, so I had to pretend... Here, things are, in a way, the way they should be. At the end of the day, the only person left hurting is me...

I don't need their approval. Don't need their advice or protection. Not their love,nor their guidance. I dont need their empty words nor their apparent sympathy, dont even need real sympathy for that matter. I dont need them Dont need anybody...

What have I ever got out of pretending? More pain. They keep tellin me to shut up, to stop laughing, to not be so loud. I've been stripped off my shell over and over... Then why do they ask "Why?"? Why do they ask for explanations? Is it only to taunt me? To show me that they have the power to decide who... what I will be? That I am nothin more than a lifeless puppet on strings?... Or is it truly because they do not understand... they may or may not have been the reason I am what I am... but they were the ones who sent me down this way...

As I scribble away, I can't supress the twisted smile I know is playing on my lips. I glance up and see them look away. I would tell them to stare to their heart's content. Doesnt really matter to me, but wait, thats not why I smile... Its coz, here, on this page, are the words that they would all love to read. The answers to all the furtively whispered questions... and they'll never know...

AND they'll never control me. They can sit & wonder and debate & discuss all they like. Try and figure out why I walk alone. Why I dont smile anymore... but they'll never know...

I look at my watch. Its almost three. Finally time to leave. Too bad I have to return tomorrow. But before I leave, I just... Never mind... maybe some other time...

You know, sometimes, jus sometimes, when I say I'm fine... I jus want someone to look me in the eye and say "tell me the truth"... So that I know, even if people do not know what is wrong with me, atleast they know something is...

They leave, waving a distant goodbye. I wave back. Tomorrow is another day... only it will go the exact same way. It doesnt matter. Nothin really does. Sometimes I cant help but wonder... What does it feel like?... Not bein alone... As I look back up at the empty room, another twisted smile... Guess I'll never really know...

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