5 posts tagged “angry”

You know, it's only now that I realize what a sheltered life I'd really lived.

Horrors are horrors... I'm talkin bout daily life here...

The Navy is an amazing place to grow up in. For the first 17 years of my life, the words "caste", "society", "religious discrimination", etc meant NOTHING to me. They were just words I read in the newspaper. And I laughed at the stupidity of the small number of people- or so I thought- that were still obsessed with these immaterial things...

But then... I had my one year at college in K-land. Even then... I believed that it was a freak thing, and the only real barrier was one of communication. I refused to believe that our country could still be a place where it mattered what caste or religion you were born in, and the concept of pure blood still existed...

But now...
All my doubts have been crushed into tiny little pieces... as has much of my belief in ours being a truly secular country. Everyone says it doesn't really matter where you're from, but it's such a part of everyday conversation and thought... it scares me... but more than that, it angers me. I hate the way it has crept into every day of my life. I hate knowing that no matter what I say or do, the first thing so many around me will want to know is where I am from. What the F*CK does that have to do with anything???
(Sorry bout the censoring, my coll will block access to my own site if I do not do so. -_-)

I loathe the question "Where are you from?", and I'm glad I have no one answer to give. I'm relieved that there is no one state or caste I must 'belong' to. "Belong to". I belong to no one. To nothing. Specially not some dumb ancient system just because I was born in one house and not another. If I want to belong somewhere, I am gonna be the one deciding where, not my 'lineage', not my blood. Me.

At home, religion was never a big thing. Yeah, once in a while, mum would light some incense and then me and my brother would fight over who would get to twirl it around the few god pictures in the house. But that was pretty much it. We never had forced temple visits, or family prayers. Some may say that it brings about better 'family harmony'. I think playin UNO accomplishes that way more easily... and it's more fun too!

And then there's all the shocked gasping people who ask me how I dare say I don't believe in God. Firstly, it's none of their business. Secondly, it's not like I don't believe in God, I just don't believe in their Gods. Any of theirs. Religion is nothing but another reason to be divided. Oh sure, it unites people, brings different people together, promotes harmony, blah blah. But it also gets people killed... and frankly, I'd rather everyone live in relative isolation than be murdered just because they fast in the name of different supernatural beings.

*click*
*light*
*drag*

heh...

At least the day dosn't begin that way...
The first of the day is usually in the second break...
even on the days I decide I won't smoke today... well, someone always wants to go..
and you go along...
company's sake...

But then, you're there so may as well, ne?
After all, there's always tmrw, right?
Except...
every tmrw is an exact repetition of today...

You know...
it wasn't supposed to be this way
*laughs*
But I guess that's what you always say, no matter how things turn out...

Is it a good thing?
That I'm really here?
I dunno...
I really don't...

It doesn't really matter, does it?,,,
Does it?,..

I dunno... too tired to think now...
Too tired...
It's been a while...
I love this...
Love everything shuttin down one by one...
Yeah, so my lungs are goin to die, but well, my liver's keepin it company...
lol, and as my 'friends' say, so is my life...
Doesn't matter...

Why though?
Most of the times, I'm ok with it...
In fact, I'm glad its this way...
I wanted this, no?
A life where I was in total control...
except...
am I?

Yeah, I'm free of people...
and the only place these thoughts find existence (other than in my head) is here...
And no one I know in real life reads themmm...
Jus online 'friends'... too far away to anythin bout it...
Exactly the way I wanted it...

So much more...
I could've had it all...
but then again in a way I guess I do...
Projects? Don't really matter, right?
Marks?
Well, not bankin too much on gettin by five yeas anyhow...
Why do I care now then?
Coz... well... No matter what...
I'll fight as long as I have to.
As long as there's an option..
It may seem like I'm losing...
but right now... stayin alive takes top priority...
and well... whatever helps me make sure I do... it's ok...
Long run?
Honestly speakin, am too worked up bout short run to care...

Someday, I'll leave it all behind...
And be everything I wanted to be...
but for now...
*click*
*light*
*drag*
I'm goin to concentrate on stayin alive...

I don’t wanna see!
I don’t!
I never asked for this…

I still can’t tell the difference… between what’s real and what’s not…

And I don’t care anymore…

Because… it’s all equally real to me… and hence equally fake…

Why would anyone wish for this?

I don’t understand…

Just… either make it all go away… or make it all mean something… anything…

I’m tired of wondering when everything will make sense…

I just want to know why… it’s always like this…
I want to know how I got here…
And I want to know if there’s actually a way out…

 
 I havn’t slept for over 35 hours. The exams ended yesterday. Had the quad party las’ nite. Managed to get some vanilla vodka by swearing I’d dance. -_-. I hate dancing… but it really isn’t that bad once you’re high… even if jus’ slightly high… I guess you could say las’ nite was… fun... I didn’t think… well, not much anyway. Bliss.

    My roommate and I spent the entire evening cursin the world and all the people in it. Fun. Then we went back to our room and played a mad playlist, including Audioslave, AlterBridge and the Pussy Cat Dolls. O_O. Then we cleaned our entire room, washed clothes and spoke to a million different people who called. I spoke to Mave for almost an hour!!! That was around 0430 hours. Then, Ak n I decided to go for a walk. We ran around the entire campus with 4 dogs following us. Was fun… 

 The dogs… Apparently, they’ve all been taken away. Well, almost all. I dunno where Milo is. Havn’t seen him… Spaz is gone for sure… He bit V.N.
 

UPDATE:

Milo’s still here!!!

And Spaz is as well… which is actually kinda shady because he’s the main reason everyone’s so pissed off at all the dogs and they’ve all been sent away and he’s still here… I mean, I don’t want any of em to hav to go… but if it’s a choice between Spaz- whose very much responsible for the chaos- and all the others, I think Spaz should’ve gone…
 

I wasn’t even there when they took  all the dogs away… I was out. Away. I should have been there… I could have helped them,… I could have done something… *sad smile* Batman of the future… Once again, I find myself saying those words… Its been a while though…
 

A.? was helping me out wid a virus today and he asked me to show him my wrists… *smiles vaguely* Weird… I almost went ahead with it in the morning… Only reason I stopped was coz I was too sleepy and knew that the new blade was too sharp…

*smiles again* Lucky me…

Where do I begin?...
Iv been sittin here starin at the blank screen for so long, but I guess this isnt goin to write itself... I might as well begin...

So many promises. Of things returnin to normal. Of people stayin the same. Of things never changin.

Stupid really.
I hate promises.
I didnt always I guess...
There must have been a time when I believed in them...
Not anymore.

Sounds cynical?
Maybe
But I really dont care.

Cause people lie.
And they destroy.
And they ruin lives.
But most importantly, they break promises...
Over and over
I dont understand...
Why give ur word, if you're goin to go back on it anyway?