She leaned over the gray stone sink, her dark eyes empty and unfocussed, seemingly staring at a point beyond her own distorted reflection. A sad lonely song played on in the background, but she seemed oblivious to it. Someone was banging on the fragile bathroom door. The girl didn't move. She did not even seem to hear. Silence filled the air. She kept gazing at whatever it was that only she could see. The song ended and another began... Her eyes filled up with tears...
For a while, she let them swim there and then... she blinked, a confused look flitting across her face. Suddenly, she reached up and angrily wiped away the forming tears with the sleeve of her white too-big T-shirt. As she accidentally dragged the sleeve down her face, the frown changed to a grimace. Her head snapped up to attention and she stared at the girl in the mirror as if seeing her there for the first time. Her eyes drifted over the straggly dark hair that fell over the pale face, down to the dark blank eyes. Her gaze stopped at the red line drawn across her left cheek. She reached up slowly and winced as her fingers brushed against the mark.
Her eyes widened as the screams filled her head once again. The dark kohl had smeared across her pale face and for a moment the girl in the mirror frightened her. The empty lifeless eyes, the lack of expression on her face, the detached pain the bruise was giving her. For a moment, it wasn't her reflection she was staring at, it was her ghost. The banging began again, but she paid no attention. The words in her head drowned out everything else. The song changed again. People began to shout, in worry, in fear, in panic... but the girl was too busy listenin to the voices in her head, staring into the mirror, afraid to reach out and touch it because she didn't know whether it was the glass that lay shattered or if it was just her reflection. Either way would hurt her... either way she would break. Either way, it didn't matter, because... there was no real difference between her and her reflection.
A faint smile played upon her lips as the blackness swallowed her. A little longer and she wouldn't have to bleed anymore...
What right do I have to destroy something so precious?...
So important?
What right do I have to take away something so loved?
So cherished?
None Jade Midori. None at all.
Just walk away.
And it'll rain again, but this time I'll walk through it alone... and I'll laugh every time I remember... and then, I'll sit down for a cup of coffee. Maybe this time... just maybe, I'll even cry. And when I'm done, I'll stand up and pay what I owe, and I'll walk out.
Hopefully, it'll still be raining...
*laughs*
This is just insane...
Completely insane...
And I can't believe I'v brought this whole thing on myself...
Where do I go now?
I know what to do...
I know what to say...
but where do I go?
It hurts so much...
*pause...*
*laughs*
And I'm the one who asked for pain no?
I'm the one who wanted to know if I was alive...
Do I know yet?
I don't know...
but I guess you have to be alive if you're dying...
and I guess you're alive if you can bleed...
So I'll stand here... and I'll bleed...
“What would happen if I went too deep?
Would I ever wake from this eternal sleep?
Would you miss me, would you cry?
Would you ever wonder why?”
The floor feels strangely cold.
As cold as snow.
Too far…
An accident…
But no one will ever believe that…
A frown.
Shakes head. Doesn’t really matter.
Won’t at all once she’s asleep.
And this time, she doesn’t even need to worry bout wakin up.
Miss her?
Not really.
Besides, they’ll move on.
Forget.
Cry perhaps.
But forget nonetheless…
Except on cold nights when she’d come back to walk in the snow outside their homes…
Then they’d remember…
And shed a few more tears.
…Perhaps.
Or smile at the distant memory of the girl they once knew…
Or thought they knew… till the morning she killed herself.
“A mistake” she whispers.
But there’s no one listening.
Jus like always….
And jus like always…
No one would believe her
“It was a mistake…” she writes
She never meant to go that deep...
]]>I was wonderin why I really did cut... and well, these are all the reasons I came up with... will keep updating...
Coz I need to feel. Pain is a feeling, and I need it to tell me I'm still alive
Coz it feels like I've been havin a dream... and I jus' can't wake from it...
Coz it bothers me to see my outer skin look so whole and unbroken while I feel jus' so torn...
To bring myself back, coz I go so far away that I'm afraid that someday, I won't be able to return...
To remind myself.
Coz I can't cry
Coz its a habit
Coz I wonder how much I can really take
Coz I loathe the person I'm turnin into... or maybe hav already become...
Coz I'm afraid of losing control
Coz I prefer pain to nothingness
Coz nothin matters
To watch me heal,... even if it IS jus' on the outside...
Coz I want to remember
Coz I need to forget...
Coz I need to hurt, before rage consumes me... I'm afraid if not me, I'll jus' hurt someone else...
]]>I stand here beside you
and I bleed.
Slowly I die, slowly I fade,
and I forget to breathe.
You laugh and talk and love and smile,
while I try not to fall,
And wait for you to look my way
Instead of waitin for me to call...
With every drop that leaves my soul,
It gets harder to breathe.
I grow so tired, I grow so cold,
And all the time I bleed.
You finally look my way,
And ask if I'm alright.
I smile and tell you I'm okay,
And break further inside
She says I'll be fine,
And I remind myself to breathe
You walk away waving goodbye
While I stay behind to bleed...
]]>