4 posts tagged “cold”

A rainless part of twelve. Cold doesn’t seem the same anymore. And now, again I stand where I once stood.

The same, but just so different.

A few more days. Then it would have been a year. Ravens shriek and robins sing. And I miss the fire of the stars. 66. Should have got further.

The name’s Bond. James Bond. And then we all fall down.

To the end of the bottomless pit.

How many special people change?

Do they remain the same people? Are they still special?

If so, then why were there never any phone calls?

Why couldn’t there be any conversation?

“Yes darling, everything’s fine. I’m ok. How have you been?”

Senseless. Pointless.

“No, I’m not sleepy. It’s the drugs.”

Hurtful. True.

Click. Light. Drag.

Over and over.

Till everything is on the other side of the haze.

And if you concentrate hard enough, the voices stay there too. So you listen to none except the ones in your head.

“No. It’s not coz I was avoiding you.”

Lies.

Mine.

Songs that sing themselves.

Why have you forsaken me?

God doesn’t forsake any of his children.

And then darkness claims the fire. And she dances away happily into the cold.

And I know these voices in my head are mine alone.

“Don’t isolate yourself.”

I’m not. I’m jus isolating everyone else.

And they all fall down.

I just go higher. And higher.

What goes up has got to fall.

“What would happen if I went too deep?

Would I ever wake from this eternal sleep?

Would you miss me, would you cry?

Would you ever wonder why?”

The floor feels strangely cold.

As cold as snow.

Too far…

An accident…

But no one will ever believe that…

A frown.

Shakes head. Doesn’t really matter.

Won’t at all once she’s asleep.

And this time, she doesn’t even need to worry bout wakin up.

Miss her?

Not really.

Besides, they’ll move on.

Forget.

Cry perhaps.

But forget nonetheless…

Except on cold nights when she’d come back to walk in the snow outside their homes…

Then they’d remember…

And shed a few more tears.

…Perhaps.

Or smile at the distant memory of the girl they once knew…

Or thought they knew… till the morning she killed herself.

“A mistake” she whispers.

But there’s no one listening.

Jus like always….

And jus like always…

No one would believe her

“It was a mistake…” she writes

She never meant to go that deep...

I'm so so tired.
So very tired.
Tell me, whats the point of it all?...

Its been almost four years... I should have died that nite... I shouldn't have survived...
Sometimes I think that the reason everything is jus so... fucked up... is coz I lived... I cant help but think I was meant to die that day...

How different would things be?...
If I had taken my life that nite...?
And how different would life be if I had never existed...?
Thats all I want to know...
I know I've caused pain here... I jus need to know the extent of the pain...

Atonement...
Thats what this is supposed to be...
But all I do is cause more pain...
More n more...
Who does it help?
My existence?...

I dont need it anymore...
I dont want it...

STOP TRYIN TO SAVE ME...
Let me stay on this tower of ice...
Its cold but I need to be here to survive...
Its the only thing that can contain me... till it's time...

The snow wont stop fallin...
But I dont mind..
It seems so fresh, so pure...
so... untainted...

I should have left...
I shouldnt hav got this "second chance"
I dont want it...
But now, Im cursed to stay...
I'll stay n hold ur hand through the dark...
If you promise not to miss me...
When I leave...
I have no reason to stay...
But Im cursed...
Cursed to exist till the last flake falls...
Till its almost dawn...
And then when the sun's rising...
and the cold's melting away...
I'll look into the sun....
And I'll fade away...
along wid the stars...
and along with the snow..
till all thats left behind with you..
is the sun rising in the sky...
a puddle of cold water slowly warming on the ground
where my tower once stood tall in the snow...
and the memory of a dream...
where all was dark... but I cud stay...
Im sorry but its time... I will fade away...

I never intended it to be this way...
Or maybe thats a lie
Maybe this is exactly where I knew I would be...
But there was nowhere to turn
Nowhere at all

I hate this place
and hate kills me...
I hate them all
Everyone in this world...
Im sorry...

I shouldnt hav come this far
I knew
I knew all along
That in the end, there was nothin but the sheer drop
Yet I kept climbin
And now Im at the top
And it feels like the end
The sun shines on, clueless
Not knowin that here Im ending, dying, fadin away
Or maybe its jus tryin to warm the last few minutes of my life...
Either way, it doesnt matter...
Nothin really does...
Im so high up,
my life lies below me
On the endless twistin and turnin road that led me here
And I see nothin but a story of uselessness
I've come too far to go back...
and I dont think I remember where to go back to anyway
And there is nothin ahead of me...
Except more of this nothingness
And Im tired of nothingness...

So I stand at the very edge
and watch as the sun rises as I begin to end...
It would hav been nice if I could hav felt its warmth one last time...
One first time...
Tel me what its like
To not be so cold...
I do not know...
and Im tired of tryin to find out...
I want nothin now...
The wind plays with my hair...
tellin me not to give up yet...
a message from the sun perhaps...
"I amnt givin up" I whisper back
"Im gettin out"
"Gettin away"...
The wind rages now "You're runnin away"
"Coward"
"Weak"
...
I smile at the sun
"No, Not runnin away..."
Walkin away...