"May all Living beings on Earth live in Peace and Harmony"
Thats what this little wooden pendant-like thing around my neck says. My friend made her little brother send it for me from the other end of this country. Its Buddhist (She's not sure of the script) and really very pretty...
Two of my other friends got me the first book in the series of the "Buddha". Its of the Graphic Novel lot and is an amazing read, to the point that I'm sure even our History Professor would appreciate it! I must read the rest of the series!
I wish it were possible to convince people that all life is equally valuable... but our selfishness is not restricted merely to our selves. It goes on to portray what we feel about our species as a whole.
Pathetic.
Thats all we are.
I guess... I'm jus waiting for someone to prove me wrong... Its kind of odd because, in these holidays, I realized that the people I truly respected were the so-called 'selfish' ones. But then again, a word is only as good as its meaning... which is solely as good as its interpretation...
Maybe,... all this time,... I've just been using the wrong dictionary.
Peace and Harmony?..
*smiles sadly*
Yeah...
Someday...
I played DBZ; Tenkaichi Budokai. Spent Thursday and Friday at Kiku and Kaki's place. It was a LOT of fun. It was like livin with Tina. The coolest kinda life to live! While with Tina, it was mainly the P.C, here it's the PS2. The A/C's always on, the PS2 runs over 12 hours at a time (with breaks only when the electricity decides to cut), and there's always LOADS of Ice-cream in the refrigerator. Dreamy. We played DBZ, WWE: Raw v Smack Down and Cricket 2008. Rish also showed up on Thursday night, so there were 5 of us. Although I AM the eldest, I felt like the youngest one there. Also, now all my 'baby brothers' are all over 6 feet tall!!! -_-
I also surpassed K and Rish at DBZ. Heh. My brother's still pissed at me... and since Kiku and Kaki themselves said so, he can't even say anything. *grins* But then, the thing is, those kinda games are the only ones that I'm good at. I'm not tryin to be vain, but what to do kinda comes naturally to me. In fact, normally, I don't even know how I'm doin whatever I'm doing and if I had to teach anyone, I'd absolutely SUCK! But yesterday, I consciously tried to get better. like, I played against Kiku, and that too some 7-8 games in a row, just so that I could get better. And it did help!!!
Anyhow, I had a great time. Takin pics, makin videos, playing DBZ, watchin Devil May Cry clips, eatin 'Cookies and Cream' ice-cream, beatin up Rish... All of it... Though... it kills me to know the youngest is smoking. I mean, dude, he's only what? 15??? And he's been smoking since 8th??? *sigh* But he's growing up just the way I imagined he would... and just the way I was afraid he would... *sad smile* The others? Well, apart from growin up, they're all pretty much the same. Kids man! They're only kids! Gah, this world is too fucked up for its own good!!! I'm honestly frightened at the thought of my brother growin up here! Still, there IS nothin I CAN do...
*sigh*
It really is quite funny. Swore I wouldn't go buy vegetables these hols. Had to do that already. Swore I wouldn't meet a single law-schoolite, especially not a first year. Already met lin.
So how do I like this place? Well, I've been out the whole day. Mum, Dad and I left at around 10 in the mornin. Went to a whole lotta banks, K's school and then the mall. I HATE banks almost as much as I hate buying vegetables!!!, I'm freaked out bout K coz I can't stop thinkin about the line of ppl in Law School from his school. err... They're all really nice, but still... -_-... oooh, Hi Robert-san. err... No, I never said you were strange. heh. *nervous laugh*
Anyhow, yes, the mall! *desperately tryin to change the subject* I did buy a lot of food and clothes. *nods* I bought many tops, a shirt, a skirt and this really nice green dress. I love it. Mother did not want me to buy it, but then again, neither did she want me to buy the skirt. I guess that's what the problem is with being a don't-give-a-fuck kid. I wore whatever they got me for so long, they just can't see the fact that I AM almost 19, and once in a while, I like wearing something that isn't from their century. *shakes head* Never mind. I guess I'll always be 7 in their eyes...
Lets see. What else did I buy? Well, Pringles must be mentioned! The rest of it is just general stuff I guess. We got back at bout 1900. Oooh, I finally did have a hot dog today. *sighs dreamily* Finally!
Anyhow, the rest of the day was ok... There was a little yelling in the middle. I ran out though. Met Lin and then as I was supposed to buy vegetables and yoghurt, set off to find 'Mother Dairy'. I got lost on my way though... But to be honest, It was kinda nice. I like being lost. No... I guess... I like looking for the way. It isn't very essential that I find it, but I do love looking for it...
Am having the weird sort of sweet yoghurt that I got. Hmm... It's kinda strange, but it is yoghurt, so ^_^
Anyhow, I need a cigarette. Am goin crazy livin here. I'd say I can't wait for college to begin, but i'm not done recharging yet...
Cya later...
Tonight's going to be my 'alone time' night. A bottle of water, a bar of chocolate and music... and I'm all set for the night. It translates to a lot of thinking and a lot of writing, which means a LOT of posts. Should be a good thing considering I haven't done much of the former for a while now...
J canceled vivas but I had mine today. I told proff. that my dad was coming to town on Monday and that it would be nice if he could hold the viva today. How did it go? I dunno. And right now, the important part is that its over. Heh. -_- This sort of thinking is so gonna get me KILLED!!!
Then G.B, A.M and I went out to nags in the pouring rain in A.M's car and drank coffee. Smoked a cigarette and then came back and waited in the parkin lot for the rain to stop. Listenin to music, watching the rain, smoking... was very calming... Of course then we had to run through the rain coz A.M's sister needed the car. Lol...
I didn't smoke up. Am I proud? Glad? Retarded? lol, I dunno. Didn't feel like yesterday when I crushed that cigarette... but it still felt kinda nice. Is this a new phase? I sure hope so... I'm gettin tired of the old one. Oh, on that note, lemme type out a msg I sent to a friend today.
"You know what? I loathe what life's become. I loathe that smoking, drinking and drugs is wat everything seems to revolve around. I hate that I've now really become someone I was sure I'd never be. And I'm scared that once I stop.. I'll have nothing to replace it with. Lol, but trying's what life's all about, no? I succeeded at gettin into it. Will I make it out? That's something I'm too afraid to try now. And I dunno if its because I may fail.. Or because I may succeed"...
I walked around in the rain for a while. I love the rain. *laughs* I know, I know, I say it too many times... but I do... Like I said today... Give me endless rain and I'll give up everything else. Everything.
Today was a very sadly beautiful day. Ak and I went to NSS for lunch. Took an auto there. Sang throughout the way (as usual). Had a Paper Masala Dosa each. Laughed at our lives. And then decided to embark upon the hunt for a rubik's cube. After a million shops and a thousand streets (pardon the exaggeration), we found one. I bought one for myself as well.
We then went to CCD, picked up an iced eskimo and a tropical iceberg and started to walk back. On the way, we bought water. I hate doing that by the way. When we were near the circle, I saw this path into the grass and turned. Ak tried to remind me about my impending viva, but I wasn't really in the mood for caring. So we walked... and walked and walked. It was beautiful. it felt great. So what if it was escapism? So what if all the beautiful things made me feel sadder? The walk was great, the path was brilliant, and we had fun!
We walked on the new flyover, cut through some weird forest and reached ammas! It was nice. Very Heidi like.
In the evening, we went to Juice junction. I bought two cigarettes. Smoked the first, lit the second and after twor drags... crushed it. It was the greatest way I've spent 4 bucks in a long time. It felt... liberating.
He's mad at me again. We keep running in the same predictable little circles, never getting anywhere. It scares me. The whole situation. So much so, that every bone in my body is screaming at me to turn and run. As fast as possible and as far as possible. yet for some strange twisted inconceivable reason, I just don't. As I was walkin behind him today, wanting to explain, to try and make sense of this whole mess, I kept trying to say something, but the words just wouldn't come. They got twisted and lost inside. No, in fact, they simply disappeared. Burned up so completely that I didn't even have any ashes to show for my thoughts.
And I would have followed. But then what? I don't know what the point of all this is. I really really honestly don't understand. We're just causing each other and ourselves so much pain. But I can't leave. I'm tired of not understanding. I just want someone to explain to me what in the world is going on.
Sometimes, I want to pick up a rock and hit him on the head, really hard! Or just shake him till his teeth rattle. I want him to tell me what it is thats bothering him. I hate him being mad at me. And he's always mad at me. I thought I'd just avoid him coz I thought that it was the right thing to do. I thought he'd be better off if I was just gone... but weirdly enough, its like being bound. He has to tell me I have to leave, and only then will I be able to. I don't want to, but if it makes everything ok, I will...
I just don't know what to do. I don't know what'll make everything better... I don't know if anything ever will...
But last night, I was sitting there, with those shards of glass spread out before me. It was almost 5 in the morning, and then he messaged saying he had jus woken up for some strange reason... and I was so scared. I don't understand this.
I'm tired of being glass. And I'm tired of shattering...
So its almost time to go home again. Home. Where is home? For the last 4 odd years, it's been the house at the end of the road. The one with the mango tree in the front yard. Opposite where the buses stop for the school... and where the children play football in the evening. Its been the house I felt relieved seeing when my fourth round of running was up... and the one I hated returning to every once in a while. It was the place where I could stand in the garden and hear my dog bark... and the place from where the arguing voices somehow reached everywhere.
Wow, in this one para, I've listed so many things I love. I'm goin to miss that place. I'm going to miss the rain falling and the water filling up in our front yard to the point where we had to wade through it all. I'm going to miss sitting outside during storms and watch lightning flash across the sky. I'm going to miss the two weird doors, where one closed on its own and the other just refused to.
I'll miss the chair my dog used to sit on and look out from dolefully when we'd be leaving to anyplace... and where she'd be sitting and barking happily as we drove back. I'll miss Estel's grave... I'll miss the flowers and the smell of real earth early in the morning.
I'm going to miss waking up early in the morning coz its my turn to walk sparky, feeling miserable about it, and just stepping outside and realizing I'd give up all my sleep to just watch the sky like that a few more times...
Yeah, I'm going to miss that place. Was it home? I don't know... but its not where I'll be going... and I'm going to miss it... a lot...
A rainless part of twelve. Cold doesn’t seem the same anymore. And now, again I stand where I once stood.
The same, but just so different.
A few more days. Then it would have been a year. Ravens shriek and robins sing. And I miss the fire of the stars. 66. Should have got further.
The name’s Bond. James Bond. And then we all fall down.
To the end of the bottomless pit.
How many special people change?
Do they remain the same people? Are they still special?
If so, then why were there never any phone calls?
Why couldn’t there be any conversation?
“Yes darling, everything’s fine. I’m ok. How have you been?”
Senseless. Pointless.
“No, I’m not sleepy. It’s the drugs.”
Hurtful. True.
Click. Light. Drag.
Over and over.
Till everything is on the other side of the haze.
And if you concentrate hard enough, the voices stay there too. So you listen to none except the ones in your head.
“No. It’s not coz I was avoiding you.”
Lies.
Mine.
Songs that sing themselves.
Why have you forsaken me?
God doesn’t forsake any of his children.
And then darkness claims the fire. And she dances away happily into the cold.
And I know these voices in my head are mine alone.
“Don’t isolate yourself.”
I’m not. I’m jus isolating everyone else.
And they all fall down.
I just go higher. And higher.
What goes up has got to fall.
]]>
“What would happen if I went too deep?
Would I ever wake from this eternal sleep?
Would you miss me, would you cry?
Would you ever wonder why?”
The floor feels strangely cold.
As cold as snow.
Too far…
An accident…
But no one will ever believe that…
A frown.
Shakes head. Doesn’t really matter.
Won’t at all once she’s asleep.
And this time, she doesn’t even need to worry bout wakin up.
Miss her?
Not really.
Besides, they’ll move on.
Forget.
Cry perhaps.
But forget nonetheless…
Except on cold nights when she’d come back to walk in the snow outside their homes…
Then they’d remember…
And shed a few more tears.
…Perhaps.
Or smile at the distant memory of the girl they once knew…
Or thought they knew… till the morning she killed herself.
“A mistake” she whispers.
But there’s no one listening.
Jus like always….
And jus like always…
No one would believe her
“It was a mistake…” she writes
She never meant to go that deep...
]]>I'm so so tired.
So very tired.
Tell me, whats the point of it all?...
Its been almost four years... I should have died that nite... I shouldn't have survived...
Sometimes I think that the reason everything is jus so... fucked up... is coz I lived... I cant help but think I was meant to die that day...
How different would things be?...
If I had taken my life that nite...?
And how different would life be if I had never existed...?
Thats all I want to know...
I know I've caused pain here... I jus need to know the extent of the pain...
Atonement...
Thats what this is supposed to be...
But all I do is cause more pain...
More n more...
Who does it help?
My existence?...
I dont need it anymore...
I dont want it...
STOP TRYIN TO SAVE ME...
Let me stay on this tower of ice...
Its cold but I need to be here to survive...
Its the only thing that can contain me... till it's time...
The snow wont stop fallin...
But I dont mind..
It seems so fresh, so pure...
so... untainted...
I should have left...
I shouldnt hav got this "second chance"
I dont want it...
But now, Im cursed to stay...
I'll stay n hold ur hand through the dark...
If you promise not to miss me...
When I leave...
I have no reason to stay...
But Im cursed...
Cursed to exist till the last flake falls...
Till its almost dawn...
And then when the sun's rising...
and the cold's melting away...
I'll look into the sun....
And I'll fade away...
along wid the stars...
and along with the snow..
till all thats left behind with you..
is the sun rising in the sky...
a puddle of cold water slowly warming on the ground
where my tower once stood tall in the snow...
and the memory of a dream...
where all was dark... but I cud stay...
Im sorry but its time... I will fade away...