61 posts tagged “college”

I have two projects to submit in under 15 hours. I am yet to begin researching for one of them. I have been asleep for over four hours... and I still can't sit straight.

That was some potent stuff...

Oh well, here goes...

P.S.
The greater the trust, the harder the betrayal...

So, I'm on and as of now tuned into channel "Make yourself miserable". What am I doing in this place? I don't like law. Well, it's okay I suppose... But only in the "It will do... for now" kinda way. Not the "I wanna do this for the rest of my life" way. I want nothing to do with law.

Angry Sarcastic Bitch: Why don't you just quit then?
Annoying responsible loser : Because I fought to get in here. Fought with Dad and every one sitting in B_____ and D____ wanting me to go stay/study with them! I fought to get to Law School!!! How can I tell my parents I don't wanna stay?! And besides, it's not like I have an alternate plan or anything. It's not like I can go up to them and say "Oh, guys. Sorry. Just realized it's not law that I'm interested in, but XXX (Astronomy, Biology, whatever). Why? Coz there is no XXX.

But the truth is, I didn't come here to do law. From the start, It was just about getting away. Well, I'm away from home now... but stupid blissfully ignorant me is just waking up to the fact that the whole world is more or less the same... At least in this dimension. Or society. Whatever you want to call it. The fact remains that I can't just walk up to my parents and tell 'em I'm sick of living like... well, who? People my parents would call respectable? Normal?

What am I doing? I'm studying something I don't care bout, in order to get a job I don't want so that I can make money I won't need to buy things I'm happier without!

I do have an alternate plan actually> Go to Goa/Gokarna/quiet place, open a small cafe like place, earn just enough money to keep a roof over my head and manage basic food and clothing stuff. I want to wake up each morning to the sound of the ocean and the birds... I want to work in a small quiet place where random people will come and go, where my life may not make any significant changes to the world... but it will be mine. Completely. I want to own myself. And I want to go to sleep tired and content. (Stoned would be an added benefit ^_*) Then why don't I just go ahead and go?

Because... because I don't know how to do that to my parents. Not yet. Because even though somewhere deep down I'm sure that it would be the better option, I don't know how to get that across. There's also the fact that it's contingent on other people, but I could work around that. I know I could... It matters, but it's a little bump in the ground compared to the volcano of an issue my parents will be...

So, I stay here. Stuck. reading things that mildly interest me - if I'm lucky, getting wasted ever so often, doing things I shouldn't be doing just because I shouldn't be doing them and so on.

It's like the TV is on, but the only signal I'm catching is this society's... and it's so powerful that every time I try to tune in to any other channel, the societal signal keeps interfering with the new signal... leaving me with nothing but static. I know I'll have to try further frequencies. I know it's definitely out there somewhere.. but a little part of me tells me not to try... coz it's afraid that this is the only signal out there. And if I go too far - out of range -  I'll be left with nothing but silence... and I won't be able to come back...

So I choose the known evil. Static. Always just at the edge, but never leaving coz I'm afraid I won't know the way back. And I may need to come back because I'm not sure if there's anything out there. And even if there is I don't know if I'll find it...

Turned on, but can't tune in till she drops out... Can't drop out till she finds where to drop out to. And can't find out where to drop out to till she tunes in.

The cycle continues.

And I stay stuck in the rut.

What now Mr. Leary? What now?

Romanov will always be in love with Mop
HR will never stop
Mave and I will keep trying to be who we once more
Grades will keep falling
Surya will always be the favorite after-exam/before party/farewell party/end of project submission/general hanging out bar.
Strawberry Fields will always end in three days.
[And I will always be devastated at the end. :(]
People will leave...
Scars will never fade
And I will keep listening to the same song...

Change.

For the longest time, I thought I was fond of change, not just used to it.
Life has been full of change.

But you know, you'd think that moving to a new place every two years gives you enough opportunities to become a new person every time. A new school, new friends, new house(s), new rooms, new surroundings... you get what I mean...

However, the truth is, you never get to start over. Every where that I went, there were - well - people I knew. And who knew me. There was someone I had to be. Some things I had to do. I made up for it by being almost completely random. To a point where I could do anything and no one would do more than blink. Coz I was Jade.

I was supposed to be that way.

I made myself that way.

Cut to the present. Or at least to a year ago.
I enter NLS. B'lore.
I know not a single soul.
I'm in a city I've never lived in.
I have no relatives living within a hundred mile radius.
And I've come here because I am tired of fading away.
I've come here to burn bright and turn to ash.

Instead...
I seem to have accidentally pressed some sort of restart button.

Nesthead-kun and I were talkin today.
About the conversation from a lifetime ago. When he told me I should visit a psychiatrist, and if it helped he was ready to come along. *rolls eyes*
...
It was very nice of him though...

We went and saw the half constructed weird building like thing.
It still stands.
And he says, so does what he once told me, a million lifetimes ago...

I smile.

I don't intend to die here.
Not anymore.
I may.
Especially if I don't get off this "highway to hell"
But you know what?
I've taken my foot off the accelerator.

"Life is ours, we live it our way..."

I just saw a messenger of death butterfly/moth.
Ironic.
*smiles*

And just the fact that I say "ironic" and not look upon it as an omen means... well, things have changed...

I started out on this post trying to talk about how I realized, just a few weeks ago, that I loathed change.
But in the process, I guess what I learned was, that this time, things have changed...
and

I don't mind...

*smiles*

History paper.

SUCKED!

It was especially bad coz it went way worse than it should have. I mean, I actually fuckin read for this. Read the original articles and books.

No women's movement
No Communalism
No Gandhi

*sigh*

Oh well, its over with. Hopefully, not just for now. I really really don't want a carry.

Next up: Consti. 29th.

I should be studying
But clearly I am not
I don't think I know why
Or maybe I just forgot

I know I'm sober
Just like I should be
And I have not stepped out all day
Just stayed in the room with me

With three repeats to give
I clearly have no choice
Maybe once they are over
I will have reason to rejoice

I will do all the things I used to
and maybe something new
I may find a cure for cancer
I may visit the local zoo

There will be so much to do
Strawberry Fields will finally be here
I have waited so long for this trimester
For different reasons, I have waited for a year

Alas, for now I need to study
For otherwise I shall surely fail
and then I will have nothing to do
Except regret my actions and perhaps wail

But I still do not study
instead I find myself online
Writing silly rhymes
and wasting all my time

I should be studying
But clearly, I am not
I really don't know why
Or perhaps I just forgot...

Waking up early
+
New clothes
+
Getting to class in time
+
Being hauled up in class and answering the question put to you
-
Being asked to prepare a case analysis for no reason at all
+
Amma's
+
Concern
-
Being yelled at by a professor and threatened with the "strictest disciplinary action"
+
One normal conversation with a professor who you were certain was going to kill you
+
Smoking with a few friends
+
Getting to the shop just as it is closing
+
Getting out of a sweater
+
Chips and orange juice
+
The internet

=
A reasonably content I...

Today was fun. We laughed a lot.

Three repeats.
*sigh*
What a waste of a week.

Great.

I flunked land-law. That means I'm definitely failing history. Consti was always a sure thing.
Gah!!!

Three repeats once again!

*sigh*

These hols have not been nearly as long as they should have been. I don't wanna go back. Its not that I hate Law school. I just don't want to spend more time there. Then again, I don't have any other place to go. No wait. That has to be rephrased. I don't have any other place I want to go. Not anyplace define-able anyhow.

Dad left for some place today morning. He'll be back only after I've left, so I said goodbye. He said I had been "good" these hols. Whatever that means. But yeah, I do kinda get it. I have been 'good' these hols.

Spent lot of time at home. Gave the dog a bath. Filled water. Spent an entire day at the mall with my parents. There were really very few loud arguments. Ran errands (without much complaining). Didn't go out to meet 'friends' too often.  Played cards almost every night with the family. Pretended to study.... You get the picture...

But what bugs me is, for some strange reason, I did all of it with a vague sense of finality. Like I was sure I wouldn't have this chance again. I dunno why... It doesn't exactly scare me or upset me. Just feels like its a fact half of me always knew and the other half quietly accepted. It's like I was just building memories. You know, 'perfect' happy moments mom n dad can always look back on. Hell, I think I'm also doing it for me. And I guess that means that a decision has been made again...
and once more, I am the last to know...

So here I am.
"Back"

Every holiday, this place feels a little lesser like home...
and as every term begins, so does law school...

I don't know where to even try and belong anymore...
It has stopped being a matter of choosing, and become one of hoping that at least one of the two will work out...