3 posts tagged “cut”
I read about them…
And I see their stories
Written with ink so red
It’s the same ink I use
We all do
But does that make me one of them?
I smile… sometimes
And sometimes I even manage a laugh
Does that make me one of the others?
I don’t know where I stand anymore
Both worlds mean so little…
And none of them matter…
Is that why I still stand at this line, not knowin which way to fall?
Or is it because I’m afraid I’ll hate the world I choose
Or miss one world too much if I forsake it?
Time to choose?
Must I?
I don’t know…
But I’m tired of livin in the middle
On this line…
“In a place like that, someone like you has an equal chance- of slipping and fallin… or finding your footing and being able to rise… Its upto you to decide… “
My father told me that before I came here…
I can’t make that decision…
I don’t know if it really is mine to make….
I also can’t choose which way to go
Coz I don’t really know which way is “forward” and which is the other
Everythin’s all the same
An endless cycle of… I dunno
Doesn’t matter…
I’m wandering off topic…
It’s just that…
I see where this leads
And I don’t want to be there
I don’t want to write those very words one day
Knowin there’s someone halfway across the world who wishes for me to stop
Even though we’ve never met
I don’t want someone to feel that... sorry for me…
So do I float or do I sink?
Anything’s better than going under over and over
And knowing that every time I make it to the surface…
I’ll jus’ go under again…
There is one decision I must take soon though…
Who to appear to be…
Coz…
I’m runnin out of time to paint my mask…
“What would happen if I went too deep?
Would I ever wake from this eternal sleep?
Would you miss me, would you cry?
Would you ever wonder why?”
The floor feels strangely cold.
As cold as snow.
Too far…
An accident…
But no one will ever believe that…
A frown.
Shakes head. Doesn’t really matter.
Won’t at all once she’s asleep.
And this time, she doesn’t even need to worry bout wakin up.
Miss her?
Not really.
Besides, they’ll move on.
Forget.
Cry perhaps.
But forget nonetheless…
Except on cold nights when she’d come back to walk in the snow outside their homes…
Then they’d remember…
And shed a few more tears.
…Perhaps.
Or smile at the distant memory of the girl they once knew…
Or thought they knew… till the morning she killed herself.
“A mistake” she whispers.
But there’s no one listening.
Jus like always….
And jus like always…
No one would believe her
“It was a mistake…” she writes
She never meant to go that deep...
I was wonderin why I really did cut... and well, these are all the reasons I came up with... will keep updating...
Coz I need to feel. Pain is a feeling, and I need it to tell me I'm still alive
Coz it feels like I've been havin a dream... and I jus' can't wake from it...
Coz it bothers me to see my outer skin look so whole and unbroken while I feel jus' so torn...
To bring myself back, coz I go so far away that I'm afraid that someday, I won't be able to return...
To remind myself.
Coz I can't cry
Coz its a habit
Coz I wonder how much I can really take
Coz I loathe the person I'm turnin into... or maybe hav already become...
Coz I'm afraid of losing control
Coz I prefer pain to nothingness
Coz nothin matters
To watch me heal,... even if it IS jus' on the outside...
Coz I want to remember
Coz I need to forget...
Coz I need to hurt, before rage consumes me... I'm afraid if not me, I'll jus' hurt someone else...
