Smoking is bad for you.
Right after I make this statement, people always do one of the following things
-Stare at me pointedly
-Launch into a lecture that makes me regret making that simple factual sentence.
-Swallow hard and try not to launch into a lecture, but do so anyway.
-Shake their heads in a puzzled sort of way that reminds me of my dog on holiday mornings when I’m awake before lunch.
The first three I ignore, the last I giggle at.
I’ve tried to explain the whole situation too many times.
Yes, I know its bad for me.
No, I don’t want to be coughing up blood at 25.
And maybe it will kill me.
But look at it this way.
What if, at 24 years and 364 days, I get run over by a bus, fall off the roof, get struck by lightning, drown or get abducted by aliens and used as a case study for a research paper on Homo sapiens? All of these, being equally likely, except maybe the last one. (But then again, you never know…)
How, do you think, that would make me feel? Pointless question, if I use the assumption that dead people don’t feel, but nonetheless… How do you think I would feel?
I shall tell you. I would feel clean, healthy, and my lungs would not be screaming in agony… but most importantly, I would feel dead! And once you feel that, well, let’s just say none of the other things seem to matter much anymore.
Of course, I am not denying that it is equally likely that I do live to see my 25th b’day. But if I do, I’ll think of something then…
Till then, do me a favour and do the puzzled-head-shake thing again… I miss my dog.
]]>Am I going home? Or leavin it?...
Three months… Has it already been that long? Has it only been that long?...
I’m sittin at the airport. So glad I have the laptop. Spendin time alone with me is not something I want to do at this time…
A senior of mine got stabbed last nite… at an intersection less than 5 minutes away from college. He passed away before they got him to the hospital… Five times… How can anyone stab someone five times? How can you live with yourself after something like that?? How can you pull that blade out and…
I don’t understand… It’s not fair. It’s just not right. No one deserves something like this…
And the worst part is- I feel so horrid… even though I barely knew him. I can’t even begin to imagine what his close friends must be goin through… Who’s goin to tell his mother? And how?...
Yesterday was his last day here… His last day.
The cricket teams are here. Oh great. They’ll be on my flight. I don’t need this crowd right now. I really don’t. Well, maybe they’ll be on the earlier one. God, you really can’t go anywhere without runnin into someone from lawschool. Jus’ met one of my class mates. Oh well, I guess it’s only normal. Hols start today... His friends are all canceling flights… and the ones that left are all coming back. The entire college looked so deserted and empty today… and there was no wind at all.. It was so deathly still…
I don’t wanna go back. Not because of any reason but the fact that it’ll fuck my mind up. Too many worlds. Control over none.
01 Oct 2007
0233
Am in my room… *smiles* as in, the one where my parents stay… Jus took a cold long bath. Tried to wash it all away… Didn’t really work… I’m jus’… blank. It comes in waves, sweeping over me and leavin me gaspin for breath in its wake…
May his soul rest in peace...
]]>Cricket. Why do we keep comin back to cricket?!!! -_-… I’m in LM class right now. Proff.’s allowed us to type our papers in class. I can’t seem to think. My head hurts. It’s killin me. I should get back to eco… 5000 words… and I havn’t even begun socio… *sigh*
Kay, enuff whining! I… shall go back… to ECONOMICS!!! *flash of lightning n thunder*
]]>And the flame asked the wind
"Is it time for me to die?"
The wind replied "Not yet my friend,
The sky is yet to cry"
"But I love the rain" said the flame,
shaking her fiery head
"Yes, Isn't that rather strange?"
the wind sadly said...
And they turned to face the sun again
But the gray clouds filled the skies
And as they stood in the fallin rain
It seemed to turn promised truth into certain lies...
]]>“What would happen if I went too deep?
Would I ever wake from this eternal sleep?
Would you miss me, would you cry?
Would you ever wonder why?”
The floor feels strangely cold.
As cold as snow.
Too far…
An accident…
But no one will ever believe that…
A frown.
Shakes head. Doesn’t really matter.
Won’t at all once she’s asleep.
And this time, she doesn’t even need to worry bout wakin up.
Miss her?
Not really.
Besides, they’ll move on.
Forget.
Cry perhaps.
But forget nonetheless…
Except on cold nights when she’d come back to walk in the snow outside their homes…
Then they’d remember…
And shed a few more tears.
…Perhaps.
Or smile at the distant memory of the girl they once knew…
Or thought they knew… till the morning she killed herself.
“A mistake” she whispers.
But there’s no one listening.
Jus like always….
And jus like always…
No one would believe her
“It was a mistake…” she writes
She never meant to go that deep...
]]>I'm so so tired.
So very tired.
Tell me, whats the point of it all?...
Its been almost four years... I should have died that nite... I shouldn't have survived...
Sometimes I think that the reason everything is jus so... fucked up... is coz I lived... I cant help but think I was meant to die that day...
How different would things be?...
If I had taken my life that nite...?
And how different would life be if I had never existed...?
Thats all I want to know...
I know I've caused pain here... I jus need to know the extent of the pain...
Atonement...
Thats what this is supposed to be...
But all I do is cause more pain...
More n more...
Who does it help?
My existence?...
I dont need it anymore...
I dont want it...
STOP TRYIN TO SAVE ME...
Let me stay on this tower of ice...
Its cold but I need to be here to survive...
Its the only thing that can contain me... till it's time...
The snow wont stop fallin...
But I dont mind..
It seems so fresh, so pure...
so... untainted...
I should have left...
I shouldnt hav got this "second chance"
I dont want it...
But now, Im cursed to stay...
I'll stay n hold ur hand through the dark...
If you promise not to miss me...
When I leave...
I have no reason to stay...
But Im cursed...
Cursed to exist till the last flake falls...
Till its almost dawn...
And then when the sun's rising...
and the cold's melting away...
I'll look into the sun....
And I'll fade away...
along wid the stars...
and along with the snow..
till all thats left behind with you..
is the sun rising in the sky...
a puddle of cold water slowly warming on the ground
where my tower once stood tall in the snow...
and the memory of a dream...
where all was dark... but I cud stay...
Im sorry but its time... I will fade away...
Accusatory
reverberations still playin in my head
All the angry harsh words u wish you’d never said
What pricks your conscience is slow certain death to me
Coz you just said them once, but I hear them echo constantly
A failure, a loser, someone you wish was gone
Good for nothin, miserable, the list goes on and on
All the names u called me by, all the things you said
I hear them over and over deep inside my head
My empty eyes mock you for they hold no fear
Maybe if u looked deep enough, you’d see the unshed tears
I guess it must be true that I’m hurting somewhere deep inside
And all I can do is hide the pain behind my empty eyes
Accusations pour forward like the stinging rain
You won’t stop till you’re sure I can feel the pain
I’ll never let you know, I’ll never let you see
Just how long your cruel words echo inside of me…
]]>