9 posts tagged “goodbye”

I never said goodbye...

This blog contains the person I was a life-time ago. The girl who started writing here was one who had never seen a "real" rock concert in her whole entire life. She had never tasted sushi. She didn't live far away from home. She laughed and cried and spent her evenings cycling on dark empty roads. She'd never been kissed.

She believed in silly pointless dreams and remembered every single thing. She had never smoked a cigarette before. And the only alcohol she had ever really had was beer. She had never been drunk. She wrote letters all night. And burned them up before she could read them. She didn't know "Purple Haze" was a song.

Things mattered to her. She could cry once in a while. Sure, she did some silly things and made some horrible mistakes. But we learned from them. We learned from them all. She never remembered her dreams. She listened to Linkin Park all the time. "Drugs" were an umbrella term for mind-wrecking addictive substances that she knew she may try "once".

That girl did all those things she had never done before while she was here. And somewhere in the many pages, I lost her. Actually, I killed her. Slowly. Bit by bit. It was never my intention, but I did it anyway.

She wouldn't have lasted. I killed her to save us all. I had to.

So much has changed. I have changed. And that's why, I have to go.

To all of you out there, thank you for everything. I still find my way back here once in a while to check on you guys. Silently and quietly.
Sato-kun, you write as beautifully as ever! If morbidity could ever be beautiful, that is.
Toyesh-kun, we should talk more. Really.
Pyratic, come back? It's been too long...
Sophia-chan, I'm still with you, laughing with you and smiling when I see words that I can identify with.
Makubex, you've been gone so long. We should catch up sometime.

My new blog id is "http://theverylastdrag.blogspot.com/". You may not recognize me... though the last few posts in this blog were a certain and definite prophecy that has now been fulfilled. And one that I'm sure you shall all appreciate in hindsight.

I've come to say goodbye. I will always be here, and anytime any of you need to get in touch with me, just leave me a message here. I'll read it. And I won't take too long.

To the blog... thank you for being my diary and keeping my soul together. Thank you for listening, for the many realizations that have dawned as I typed here, for the company late at night... And thank you for helping me grow.

"Ah, but I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now."

Goodbye.

She smiles at the setting sun
He gets on the train
She shivers and hides deeper in the huge blanket
He sits down next to a bunch of old men
She lights another cigarette
He goes out for a smoke
She takes another hit.
and she's out.

Goodbye...

One last angst filled post.
For now.

This goes out to you.
You know who you are.

I'm gone.

I'm done waiting for you to wake up and let me in...

Its too late.
*smiles*

I'll miss you.
Really.

But...

"Sometimes shattered
Never open
Nothing matters
When you're broken
That was me whenever I was with you
Always ending
Always over
Back and forth, up and down like a rollercoaster
I am breaking
That habit
Today"

I don't care how shady it is that I'm using these lyrics to prove my point...
The important thing is I am proving it...

Thank you for everything...
but please do not try and look for me again...
coz

"I'm already gone
I'm already gone
Oh, I'm already gone, gone, gone, gone
Already gone
I'm gone"

Long gone darling...

And this... This is my last goodbye...

Great.

I flunked land-law. That means I'm definitely failing history. Consti was always a sure thing.
Gah!!!

Three repeats once again!

*sigh*

These hols have not been nearly as long as they should have been. I don't wanna go back. Its not that I hate Law school. I just don't want to spend more time there. Then again, I don't have any other place to go. No wait. That has to be rephrased. I don't have any other place I want to go. Not anyplace define-able anyhow.

Dad left for some place today morning. He'll be back only after I've left, so I said goodbye. He said I had been "good" these hols. Whatever that means. But yeah, I do kinda get it. I have been 'good' these hols.

Spent lot of time at home. Gave the dog a bath. Filled water. Spent an entire day at the mall with my parents. There were really very few loud arguments. Ran errands (without much complaining). Didn't go out to meet 'friends' too often.  Played cards almost every night with the family. Pretended to study.... You get the picture...

But what bugs me is, for some strange reason, I did all of it with a vague sense of finality. Like I was sure I wouldn't have this chance again. I dunno why... It doesn't exactly scare me or upset me. Just feels like its a fact half of me always knew and the other half quietly accepted. It's like I was just building memories. You know, 'perfect' happy moments mom n dad can always look back on. Hell, I think I'm also doing it for me. And I guess that means that a decision has been made again...
and once more, I am the last to know...

I thought I loved you...

but I guess I were wrong...

It was always about who I thought you were... not who you really were...

I hate you... I can't tell you how much... its not tangible... just like how much I'm in love with you...

I guess sometimes, things just can't be measured...

they aren't like scoresheets and blood banks...

Not like Spritus Medals or college CGPAs...

*smiles*

One day, none of this will matter

One day, I will be free...

Till then...

I guess I shall just remain torn...

Goodbye...

Well, first year is more or less over. Exams all done with. Ah, hopefully anyway. Anyhow, a year here IS over and no number of repeats and carries can change that bit at least! Wow, a whole entire year. It seems strange. In one way, there seems no way that a whole year could have gone by, but then again, when I look back at Spiritus, Strawberry Fields, even the New Year Party... it seems like I've been here for centuries... like I've been here forever...

So, now that an entire year is over... How do I feel? I feel... strange. It seems weird that there was actually a time when life didn't revolve around projects, exams, Zero days, Pubs, Drinking and well... all the things that meant absolutely nothing a year ago. It actually hit me today how much we've gotten used to this sort of life when one of my friends happened to remark, and rather gladly may I add, "Dude!!! No exams for a month!!!" A month??? Since when is that something to be so happy about?... but that's just it. It has really become that way. A year ago, words like "Locus", "Per se", "Stunning" were not everyday words. A year ago we didn't start talkin about "personal capacity" over dinner when someone wanted to order something no one else at the table wanted...

Have I really been swallowed up that completely by this place? I don't know. In a way, I guess I have. And, honestly, it is rather comforting. I don't really mind most days. It's... distracting. Not always in a good way, but still...

Have I changed? I don't really know, but Mave says I have... and she's the only one from school I still talk to, so I guess she has her reasons for saying so. She says that before I came here, It seemed like I at least tried to hold on to some semblance of sanity... but now, its like I don't give a fuck anymore. Is that true? I don't know...

My first trimester here was just insane. It was like a drive in a really fast car. When you don't really know where you're going, but you love the wind in your hair so much, you don't really care. The second trimester was a complete blur. I did so much, but nothing at all at the same time... The third trimester is when I actually started thinking again. Once again, I don't know if that's a good thing or not...

Its just that... I guess, up until now every time my thoughts started to bother me, I'd just pick up a bottle and then nothing really mattered. Its gotten me into a lot of trouble, but I think I needed that. What scares me is that this phase seems like the calm before the storm...

Someday... I want to tell someone...

I hate you for what I've become. I hate the fact that I can never trust anyone ever again. Not even myself... I trusted you. How naive could I be? But I was only a child... What about you??? How could you DO something like that??? I hate you. I hate you because I can never let anyone in...

I can never tell. You swore me to silence... and all I want to do is forget. But I can't... and every time anyone gets too close... its you who makes sure I remain empty... and that I remain afraid...