9 posts tagged “happy”

They were two wounded soldiers, fighting a pointless war, out of bullets. Two soldiers talking about nothing at all; unable to ask the other which side he was fighting on, perhaps because they didn’t want to know... or perhaps because it just didn’t matter anymore.

He looked up at her as she pulled out a cigarette from the half empty pack. Half empty. He guessed that made him a pessimist. She closed her eyes as she lit it. He noticed that. That, and the fact that her hair fell about her face in an almost apologetic way while she was lighting it. He said almost because she was too proud to ever be able to look apologetic. Angry? Easily. Annoyed? Definitely. Disappointed? Yes. Sad? Sometimes…. But apologetic? It just wasn’t possible.

She took a long drag and opened her eyes. Kohl filled dark eyes that always seemed like they meant to say something more but didn’t know how to. Or at least that’s how she imagined them to look. A conversation from a lifetime ago floated through her head along with the strains from the music at the bar.

“You have creepy eyes.”

“Creepy? Thanks! What the hell is that supposed to mean anyway?”

“Err… I didn’t mean it like that… It’s just… well, they’re too blank. I can never tell what you’re feeling”

Water.

Cold water.

She always thought that her eyes were what betrayed her. Years of practice had taught her how to hold that mask in place. Blank and smooth, like nothingness itself. It was the best weapon disguised as a perfect shield. In reality, it couldn’t stop anything. Definitely not pain. But it was proud. And it made the opponent determined to break you. And so, the words got crueller and the blows harder, but as long as you didn’t flinch, you won. It wasn’t exactly a fun game, but it captivated her.

Her eyes were always what gave her away. She could hold back any emotion, but her eyes reflected what she felt. Even the slightest hurt would make them widen, kind words would make them quiver and sometimes they would soften. Luckily, most people couldn’t read her eyes… but she still felt betrayed… and a little reassured. She did not like losing control… but she liked knowing something about her was still natural. Still… human.

And he had said her eyes were blank…

She looked at the man across the table. She couldn’t exactly place the look he had on his face, which bothered her. She was good at reading people. Really good… but when it came to him, it frustrated her to no end that she couldn’t figure out what he was thinking. She sighed and took another drag from her burning cigarette, watching as he lit one of his own.

He wondered what he should say now. She looked like she was waiting for him to say or do something. It was like playing a game of poker and suddenly realizing it was your turn… except the difference was he really had no idea what game he was supposed to be playing right now, and that just made things a lot harder.

He asked her what she wanted to drink and they both ordered their shots. Brandy for him because his throat still hurt. She asked for a Whiskey. Straight. And he couldn’t help nor explain the smile that flitted across his face.

She looked down into her drink with the saddest eyes he had ever seen on anyone. When he called her name, she looked up at him and smiled. And the question he had been planning to ask seemed pointless. Of course she was okay. Didn’t she look like she was okay? A perfect defence he didn’t know how to cross. And so, he let it be, shaking his head as she looked up at him curiously.

She smiled at him, and the confused look on his face made her giggle, which confused him even further, but he laughed anyway. She didn’t laugh like this very much. And it made him oddly happy to know that he was the reason. He didn’t know why and he continued to bug her about inconsequentialities. She didn’t mind. He knew that. He could tell. Even if her eyes were hollow, they seemed to shine when she argued with him, and he liked that.

She asked him a question. He started telling her about the answer. And both of them skirted past the things they really wanted to talk about. Needed to talk about. Why did he keep disappearing? Why did she never ask him where he’d been?

They couldn’t be on opposite sides, he thought. She was too much like him. And yet, with her blank eyes and distant smile, he couldn’t even tell if she was fighting the same war… and he didn’t know how to ask. But he really didn’t think it mattered very much. At least, he thought as she laughed again and pretended to throw the glass at him as her eyes shone, not anymore…

Great.

I flunked land-law. That means I'm definitely failing history. Consti was always a sure thing.
Gah!!!

Three repeats once again!

*sigh*

These hols have not been nearly as long as they should have been. I don't wanna go back. Its not that I hate Law school. I just don't want to spend more time there. Then again, I don't have any other place to go. No wait. That has to be rephrased. I don't have any other place I want to go. Not anyplace define-able anyhow.

Dad left for some place today morning. He'll be back only after I've left, so I said goodbye. He said I had been "good" these hols. Whatever that means. But yeah, I do kinda get it. I have been 'good' these hols.

Spent lot of time at home. Gave the dog a bath. Filled water. Spent an entire day at the mall with my parents. There were really very few loud arguments. Ran errands (without much complaining). Didn't go out to meet 'friends' too often.  Played cards almost every night with the family. Pretended to study.... You get the picture...

But what bugs me is, for some strange reason, I did all of it with a vague sense of finality. Like I was sure I wouldn't have this chance again. I dunno why... It doesn't exactly scare me or upset me. Just feels like its a fact half of me always knew and the other half quietly accepted. It's like I was just building memories. You know, 'perfect' happy moments mom n dad can always look back on. Hell, I think I'm also doing it for me. And I guess that means that a decision has been made again...
and once more, I am the last to know...

Nothing is ever good enough...
No matter how hard I try...

all I do is fall short...

No matter what I decide and what I do... I'm never going to be happy enough, real enough, pretty enough, smart enough, kind enough...
I keep losing...

And I keep forgetting that I care...

You know, sometimes, I want to be a happy silly princess... who only cares about how much her "prince" loves her and how proud her parents are of her... Who only cares about how much her friends adore her and how many guys she's gotten to ask her out every week...

I want to worry about a boyfriend who seems to think too much, drink too much, worry too much, smoke too much... you know what I mean...

Instead, I sit here knitting an entire world together, and I hate it because I'm not old enough for this shit...
except..
I am...
and will always be...

I can never worry about all the things I wish to worry about... because I know how all of it will end...
every single thing...

So all I do is loathe waiting to fall asleep...
Hate waking up because it means coming back to everything I want to forget... and remembering everything I've long taught myself to forget... or at least sweep under the carpet...

I hate my eyes...
They're too big...
It just doesn't fit...
I mean... I suppose I can always narrow them...
just like I can always frown...
Its easy... now...
but it wasn't always...
and I miss the days when all of this was a challenge...

I miss days when I tried so hard to not let stupid silly tears fall because it was weak...

I miss chasing rainbows...
I miss hope... and believing in love...
I miss who I thought I could be...
and I miss being who I was...
I miss the wide eyed naive girl who believed she really could fix everything...
Even though she WAS stupid... and even though she IS the reason I'm in all the trouble I'm in right now...
I guess...
I guess... the grass is always greener on the other side...
especially after your fields have been long burned down...
and you have a sinking feeling that maybe you were the one who torched them in the first place...

I guess... at times like those...
the past always looks more golden...
more green...
Even though all you have to show for everything is a lot of soot...
And a smile that will never be real enough...
or good enough...

All this time... we were just pretending.
So much for my happy ending...

*laughs*

Yeah, dramatic aren't I?

Well, I thought I actually may get some studying done today, but ak jus called. She's free now. *giggles* Ahem, sorry. Anyway, she's free now and poor thing's wanderin about alone in town. Hmmm, I think Naxalism will have to wait for yet another day.

So, I'm off to town. Got perm, so have till about 10 pm. I dunno... Half of me wants this lazy Sunday, but I know if I spend too much time in the room, I'll jus go from melancholy-content to downright depressed. I''ll just go take a quick shower, throw on some clothes and hit town. Today, I want to do something different. Something fun.

Oh well, it is Ak n I. I'm sure we'll come up with something brilliant.

Till I return, I bid thee
Farewell...

P.S. Oh boy! I am gonna die tonight am I not? *laughs* In case I do, Mave you know what to do. Start with somehow getting my room cleared of all substances please? Lol. Lotsa luv to all.

Spent all evenin watchin Lion King videos on Youtube. Wow, I love Lion King.

This time, everything will be alright. I'll fix it all, you'll see. At the end of this, I'll make sure every thing's fine. And I'll make sure everybody's happy. And then when they start to play my favorite song, I'll slip away. And I'll never get to hear the end, but it'll be okay... because... this time I won't have failed.

Everybody will be happy. you'll see.

And I. I will be okay.

Are you happy now?

I wouldn’t know…

I hope you are…

I’m so sorry for everything…

All the things I couldn’t live up to…

And all the things I never said…

Do you think of me sometimes?

Does anything remind you of me?

Or have you erased me from your life completely?

I don’t know…

 

If I could forget…

Everything…

Every single memory…

Would I?...

Forget all the things I was supposed to do…

And everyone I was supposed to protect…

All the times I failed…

And all the times trying as hard as I could wasn’t good enough…

Would I?

Every single time something made me laugh

Or cry…

I don’t know…

 

I don’t want to forget…

I can’t…

Not again…

But then, wouldn’t it all be so much easier?

I just don’t know…

I’m still flying around the same old fire…

But I don’t remember why…