5 posts tagged “hate”

I'll cry with you if I have to
I'll try and make you laugh
I'll stand by you if you feel alone
I'll be your company
I'll sit with you when you want to cry
I'll try and convince you that your life is worth living

But if you want sympathy, go somewhere else.

Don't expect me to feel sorry for you
Don't expect me to try and snatch that rope away from your hands
Don't expect me to cry because you think you can't "be strong anymore"
Don't expect me to beg you to stop hurting yourself in the ways I do to myself just so you can make a trade

I hate you when you get like this

You want to kill yourself?
You want to hurt?
You want to torture your own mind?
Lie to yourself?
Cry yourself to sleep?
Cling on?

Fine.
Go ahead and fucking do it.
Don't tell me your grand plans.

You want to die?
Then don't give me the gun to keep.
I want NO part in this.
Just leave me alone.
I need no more nightmares.

You are weak and pathetic.
And you fall further in my eyes every single day

The joker was right
Even the best of us fall
Well, you know what I've realized?
I never liked the best amongst us much anyway.

She didn't know why she had to torture herself so.
'Torture' she mused, a faint smile tugging at her lips. How dramatic. But it would be the apt word. What else could you call it?
It was like watchin the cooking special on TV the night you were dying of hunger and it was too late to buy anything to eat... or like reading your ex-boyfriend's letters, or even worse, reading your own diary's account of the most painful day of your life.
Yep, she thought, combing her rain-drenched hair. Torture was the perfect word...

She wondered if he had noticed though.
She frowned slightly, hoping that was not the case. It would be terrible if he had...
After all the work she had put into this facade, it would kill her knowing one tiny gesture of comfort made it all crash to the ground...
But he had been so upset...
She shook her head, and glared at herself in the mirror.
It was all for good.
Hers and his.
She was just glad she pulled her hand away before it rested on his shoulder...
Jus glad that she pulled it away before he raised his bowed head...
Just relieved that when he looked up at her, the pain had not made the hate vanish, just dimmed it for a while...
So relieved...
and so...

Thunder sounded in the distance, shaking her out of her reverie...
She smiled at her dismal reflection and ran the brush through her hair again.
Torture....

"I hate you"
In nineteen years of existence, only one person has ever said those words to me.
Now, this may sound like its a rant, but it really isn't. This person told me it was pitiable that I seemed to be stuck, that it had been a year and I had not changed one bit. I was static and stagnant... and seemed unwilling to move on to the next level...
 

I’ve been thinking about that. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things lately.

A path of “slow and steady chaotic self destruction”

Those were my exact words I believe… Why did I choose this path? Why did I ever make such a decision? Looking back now, I guess I’m far away enough from the choice to try and understand it…

I guess I made that choice because I couldn’t exist in this world the way I am… and I know no other way to be...

There’s only so much one can change… and only so many times…

I can’t change…

I wish I could, but I know I never will be able to… and that’s why I chose this way…

Instead of waiting for the world to destroy me, I decided I would. If I had to be destroyed, it would be on my terms... no one else's.

But now…

Now, I know that though the reason may have been powerful enough, the choice I made may not have been the right one. I may have been wrong. I think I should try and change the path I’m walkin on even if I can not change who I am… There is no purpose to my path.

Destruction is not an end in itself. It is only a path... And a path without a purpose is meaningless. Even when we walk on paths without knowing where we are going, we always have our reasons.

Sometimes it is to escape...

Sometimes it is to get lost...

And sometimes... we are just hoping to be found...

I am tired of running around in tiny circles. I used to have a purpose... But somewhere along the way, it ceased to matter... and I have nothing left to believe in or hope for. I can not change that, but.. I can change how I spend my time waiting...

Someday... I want to tell someone...

I hate you for what I've become. I hate the fact that I can never trust anyone ever again. Not even myself... I trusted you. How naive could I be? But I was only a child... What about you??? How could you DO something like that??? I hate you. I hate you because I can never let anyone in...

I can never tell. You swore me to silence... and all I want to do is forget. But I can't... and every time anyone gets too close... its you who makes sure I remain empty... and that I remain afraid...

I've lost all my worlds.

All of them.

Traded them all in for this hell-hole.

And I hate myself...

but 

Not for this sad exchange...

Not because I'm stuck here...

Not because I did this myself...

Not one bit...

I hate this place

but I need to be here

Need to stay...

I'm glad I made it...

and for that I hate myself...