And I know sometimes you think I don't care
But I don't know how to say I do
So I'm going to build this castle right
And I'm going to build it just for you...
Someday... I want to tell someone...
I hate you for what I've become. I hate the fact that I can never trust anyone ever again. Not even myself... I trusted you. How naive could I be? But I was only a child... What about you??? How could you DO something like that??? I hate you. I hate you because I can never let anyone in...
I can never tell. You swore me to silence... and all I want to do is forget. But I can't... and every time anyone gets too close... its you who makes sure I remain empty... and that I remain afraid...
Well, I thought I actually may get some studying done today, but ak jus called. She's free now. *giggles* Ahem, sorry. Anyway, she's free now and poor thing's wanderin about alone in town. Hmmm, I think Naxalism will have to wait for yet another day.
So, I'm off to town. Got perm, so have till about 10 pm. I dunno... Half of me wants this lazy Sunday, but I know if I spend too much time in the room, I'll jus go from melancholy-content to downright depressed. I''ll just go take a quick shower, throw on some clothes and hit town. Today, I want to do something different. Something fun.
Oh well, it is Ak n I. I'm sure we'll come up with something brilliant.
Till I return, I bid thee
Farewell...
P.S. Oh boy! I am gonna die tonight am I not? *laughs* In case I do, Mave you know what to do. Start with somehow getting my room cleared of all substances please? Lol. Lotsa luv to all.
*click*
*light*
*drag*
heh...
At least the day dosn't begin that way...
The first of the day is usually in the second break...
even on the days I decide I won't smoke today... well, someone always wants to go..
and you go along...
company's sake...
But then, you're there so may as well, ne?
After all, there's always tmrw, right?
Except...
every tmrw is an exact repetition of today...
You know...
it wasn't supposed to be this way
*laughs*
But I guess that's what you always say, no matter how things turn out...
Is it a good thing?
That I'm really here?
I dunno...
I really don't...
It doesn't really matter, does it?,,,
Does it?,..
I dunno... too tired to think now...
Too tired...
It's been a while...
I love this...
Love everything shuttin down one by one...
Yeah, so my lungs are goin to die, but well, my liver's keepin it company...
lol, and as my 'friends' say, so is my life...
Doesn't matter...
Why though?
Most of the times, I'm ok with it...
In fact, I'm glad its this way...
I wanted this, no?
A life where I was in total control...
except...
am I?
Yeah, I'm free of people...
and the only place these thoughts find existence (other than in my head) is here...
And no one I know in real life reads themmm...
Jus online 'friends'... too far away to anythin bout it...
Exactly the way I wanted it...
So much more...
I could've had it all...
but then again in a way I guess I do...
Projects? Don't really matter, right?
Marks?
Well, not bankin too much on gettin by five yeas anyhow...
Why do I care now then?
Coz... well... No matter what...
I'll fight as long as I have to.
As long as there's an option..
It may seem like I'm losing...
but right now... stayin alive takes top priority...
and well... whatever helps me make sure I do... it's ok...
Long run?
Honestly speakin, am too worked up bout short run to care...
Someday, I'll leave it all behind...
And be everything I wanted to be...
but for now...
*click*
*light*
*drag*
I'm goin to concentrate on stayin alive...
Be strong?
Gentle?
Proud?
Of what?
Explain to me…
I always thought that there would be something we would all look forward to… and some memory that we’d always keep with us forever…
And every time things got too hard to bear, I could just shut my eyes and think of that one day… and everything would be fine… but…
I can’t remember…
I
can’t remember any part of that…
Who I was… What it meant… Nothing…
It’s hurtful… to think that there was a time when everythin mattered so much… and when a single word could brighten up the day… and make even the darkest skies seem beautiful…
There must have been a day like that… right?...
Then… Why can’t I remember?
Why is it so far away?
I remember… when it rained… and I’d sit outside waiting… for something to make it all better… but nothing ever did…
No matter how long I waited…
I know there was a time when all that mattered was everyone close to me being happy…
When did I settle for safe?
When did I decide that was more important?
Why can’t I remember?
I want to…
But I’m so afraid… of remembering… because I’ve tried so hard to forget…
I must have my reasons right?
We all do…
Always…
But still, some days… when it rains… I find myself waiting…
And I still don’t know for what…
]]>Jus' returned from a squadron party... Well... I left for the party exactly an hour ago, n I'm back already, so you can guess how much 'fun' it was! -_-. Never been too fond of those parties... Well, unless we're talkin bout the sqdn ones we used to have way back, when I was in the 5th grade or somethin... Those were Awesome!!! All us kids would convince our dads to let us board the aircrafts and we'd pretend we were all out on some wacked-out mission to save the world... Yep, fun times...
Sadly, now my dad's doin the year with CG so the parties aren't that often... and there really aren't any people my age. Grown-up artifice is not really my thing. I'd much rather sit here in front of the p.c typin away, or in my room listenin to music... Darn it, I need to get a faster connection so that I can actually play some games online. *sighs deeply*
Anyway, I was barely at the party 15 mins!!! Matt, Aj n Anne were all there to eat dinner in the dining hall. I ate the ice-cream and left (Gah, mum n dad made me say 'good bye' to those people whose farewell party it really was. -_-.). Walked out of the booked room and straight into the hall. Sat at Matt n Aj's table and said "feed me". Heh, jus earlier today they were goin on bout how sick and deathly (*ahem ahem* -_-) I've been lookin, so Matt puts the bowl of soup in front of me and says "You do look like you need it". Then Matt jus kept piling food on my plate! I was made to eat at fork point!! T_T. I'm so full -_-.
They're goin to meet some actor dude whose in town and stayin at Aj's buildin and were askin if I would like to go. I said I couldnt but I think they intended to drag me away anyway (O_O). BUT, my dad was outside that room and pointed at his watch and at the exit, so I think they believed me when I said I had to go... I ran all the way home... Hopefully tonight I'll be tired enough to get some sleep...
I've been sleepin at 3 n 4 again for the last two days... After almost 2 weeks of sleepin off before it was even one!!! So I'm guessin it was the runnin that got me tired enough to sleep... Today wasn't exactly a very happy day. I was in one of those moods again. -_-. I really need to do somethin bout them... Anyway, I really really hope I don't stay up all nite again... I know I need time for myself and all... but I don't think its very good for me... Darn it! My stupid system doesnt work... Don't even have music to put me to sleep. *sigh*
Anyway, mom n dad will probably be home soon... K's back from d camp. He seems tired. Well, he has a right to be!!! 3 days of sittin in that bus!!! Poor kid... My hands are trembling again. I wish they would stop doin that -_-. Anyway, I better go. I'm already gonna get lectured for reachin d club half an hour after dad called. *sigh* My back hurts... I really do whine a lot don't I? -_-
22 days for my NLS results... *crosses fingers* I really really hope I get in...