Be strong?
Gentle?
Proud?
Of what?
Explain to me…
I always thought that there would be something we would all look forward to… and some memory that we’d always keep with us forever…
And every time things got too hard to bear, I could just shut my eyes and think of that one day… and everything would be fine… but…
I can’t remember…
I
can’t remember any part of that…
Who I was… What it meant… Nothing…
It’s hurtful… to think that there was a time when everythin mattered so much… and when a single word could brighten up the day… and make even the darkest skies seem beautiful…
There must have been a day like that… right?...
Then… Why can’t I remember?
Why is it so far away?
I remember… when it rained… and I’d sit outside waiting… for something to make it all better… but nothing ever did…
No matter how long I waited…
I know there was a time when all that mattered was everyone close to me being happy…
When did I settle for safe?
When did I decide that was more important?
Why can’t I remember?
I want to…
But I’m so afraid… of remembering… because I’ve tried so hard to forget…
I must have my reasons right?
We all do…
Always…
But still, some days… when it rains… I find myself waiting…
And I still don’t know for what…
]]>I was wonderin why I really did cut... and well, these are all the reasons I came up with... will keep updating...
Coz I need to feel. Pain is a feeling, and I need it to tell me I'm still alive
Coz it feels like I've been havin a dream... and I jus' can't wake from it...
Coz it bothers me to see my outer skin look so whole and unbroken while I feel jus' so torn...
To bring myself back, coz I go so far away that I'm afraid that someday, I won't be able to return...
To remind myself.
Coz I can't cry
Coz its a habit
Coz I wonder how much I can really take
Coz I loathe the person I'm turnin into... or maybe hav already become...
Coz I'm afraid of losing control
Coz I prefer pain to nothingness
Coz nothin matters
To watch me heal,... even if it IS jus' on the outside...
Coz I want to remember
Coz I need to forget...
Coz I need to hurt, before rage consumes me... I'm afraid if not me, I'll jus' hurt someone else...
]]>.........
I dont want it.
Any of it.
This world and everythin in it.
Maybe it means I lose, but I dont really care.
Keep your world, I dont need it.
I dont want tomorrow.
I dont want yesterday.
Today's long enough by itself.
I dont want anything to do with this world.
Im so very selfish... Coz I know Im leavin soon. So very soon... yet Im lettin you stay so close...
I dont want anything...
I jus want to sleep and never wake up...
Or maybe I want to wake up from this dream thats jus gone on for too long...
Either way Im tired of dreamin...
Nothin can save me...
And I dont want saving...
Jus lemme fall...
To the very bottom
Til the very end...
Let me fall...
And I'll fade away before I hit the ground....