16 posts tagged “lost”

2042
It's an experiment...
Always wanted to do this...
Will record statements every 15/20 mins...
Wanna note 'progress'
*grins*
Let's see...

2054
When did things changfe so much?
I can't even remember...

2128
Room mate's on the phone...
Am afraid of the things am sayin...
I hav to stop...
Under oath,,,
Stil in the process
Gettin hiugh...
I LOVE this!!!
^_^

2140
^_^
Who said happiness was hard?
...
Oh wait. -_-
That was me.
-_-

2204
Almost out of substance...
And am still in complete control...
Dunno how much of agood thing that is anymore...

Well...
lets see...

22213
Pardon me...
While I burst into flames....
Pardom me s I burn
and rise abive the flame...
*smiles*

Forgve me?...

2220
I dunno wat makes sense anymire...
*laughs*'
Not that anythings; new thre
Been like that for a while now...
At leats now...
Instead of jus bein ok with it as I've been for a while...
I'm back to lookin...'
to searchin...
and I knw I'll find the answer...
No matter what they say...

2234
I know I'll never be the same...
but you know what?
THAT... I'm okay with...

250
Each broken heart eventually mends...?
Each and every?...
I just am not that sure anymore...

2255
I tried you know...
To forget...
But I jus can't seem to...
There's too much that a blank anyway...

2300
WaS it wirth it?
All of this?...
I dunno...
but I WILL find out...
Till then...
Jade here...
Signin out...
*smiles*

*click*
*light*
*drag*

heh...

At least the day dosn't begin that way...
The first of the day is usually in the second break...
even on the days I decide I won't smoke today... well, someone always wants to go..
and you go along...
company's sake...

But then, you're there so may as well, ne?
After all, there's always tmrw, right?
Except...
every tmrw is an exact repetition of today...

You know...
it wasn't supposed to be this way
*laughs*
But I guess that's what you always say, no matter how things turn out...

Is it a good thing?
That I'm really here?
I dunno...
I really don't...

It doesn't really matter, does it?,,,
Does it?,..

I dunno... too tired to think now...
Too tired...
It's been a while...
I love this...
Love everything shuttin down one by one...
Yeah, so my lungs are goin to die, but well, my liver's keepin it company...
lol, and as my 'friends' say, so is my life...
Doesn't matter...

Why though?
Most of the times, I'm ok with it...
In fact, I'm glad its this way...
I wanted this, no?
A life where I was in total control...
except...
am I?

Yeah, I'm free of people...
and the only place these thoughts find existence (other than in my head) is here...
And no one I know in real life reads themmm...
Jus online 'friends'... too far away to anythin bout it...
Exactly the way I wanted it...

So much more...
I could've had it all...
but then again in a way I guess I do...
Projects? Don't really matter, right?
Marks?
Well, not bankin too much on gettin by five yeas anyhow...
Why do I care now then?
Coz... well... No matter what...
I'll fight as long as I have to.
As long as there's an option..
It may seem like I'm losing...
but right now... stayin alive takes top priority...
and well... whatever helps me make sure I do... it's ok...
Long run?
Honestly speakin, am too worked up bout short run to care...

Someday, I'll leave it all behind...
And be everything I wanted to be...
but for now...
*click*
*light*
*drag*
I'm goin to concentrate on stayin alive...

I love this song...

It's... perfect...

You can make that out just from the opening itself...

Moth... by Audioslave.

12 - Moth

Thought I was different, it seems I'm just the same

As again I put my hand over the flame...

Explains everythin you ever felt but couldn't put in words...

Every single time, you think that this time, it'll be different...

This time, you won't fall...

that you won't let the same thing happen ever again...

but it always does...

Thought I was smarter as I flew into the sun

...

I don't fly around your fire anymore...

It's what you keep tellin yourself... but no matter how many times you burn, and how many times you fall, you always crawl back to the light...

Over and over...

Like a dying moth...

I love the heat, I love the things that I forgot

I love the strings that tie me down and cut me off

And it's true...

You really do...

Just like dreams you can't remember...

no matter the pain they cause...

you love them, because you know they mean that there IS an answer...

and it's not just the darkness out there...

When did the flame burn so high and get so hot...

And how didn't you notice?

The flames creeping higher and higher...

Maybe because that also meant it was getting so much brighter...

and sometimes,... chasing away the dark is worth getting burned...

Why do you stay?

Every time...

Why?

You know what happens when you get too close to the flames...

when you stay too long...

You know exactly what happens...

and yet you stay...

Why?

I wouldn't really know...

but in the end... I guess... isn't it better to burn brightly for a while than fade away slowly into the cold night?

Maybe...

just maybe...

that's why...

I hate bein alone...

and I absolutely LOVE it at the same time...

It's the only time I can really think... and I hate doin that... but I need to...

Does that make any sense?

It doesn't really to me...

You know, Iw as jus lookin at some old pictures... and It felt so weird...

it was like I was lookin at someone else's life... n I guess in a way I am...
I dunno..

I must get everythin back togethr.. but I can't seem to...

Doesn't matter... at least not right now...

I love this...

if it was up tp me... I would be like this every single wakin moment of my existence...

it's better than bein asleep... n Havin the same dream every night...

the one I can never remember...

I hate wakin up after that,,,

Just for once,... I want to go to sleep without really worryin bout it... I don't think it'll happen...

Not after my stupid vow...

I hate it when ppl swear to god... someone who they've never really seen in their lives...

i know that sometimes the most real things are the ones you can't believe... but... I dunno....

I just want all this to make sense someday...

Not today though...

Today. I am happy lost in this maze of disillusionment. Oh my, is that even how it's spelt?

I dunno....

I love it when none of this triviality matters....

"And one day we will die

And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea...

but for now, we are young

Let us play in the sun

and count all the beautiful things we can see,,,"

There always seem to be so many more of those when I feel this way...

and I love it...

I do NOT care if ppl think it's nasty of me, or horrible or whatever that I end up this way...

thois is the closest to happy memories that I have...

Everythin else is too distant....

It'll never matter... n that's what I love...

I don't know if 37 and a half is what I'll reach/cross... but for now... that's good enough...

Am I good enough yet??

I dunno...

and it doesn't matter....

Never mind this randomness...

I'll see you later, kay?....

I shouldn't even be writin right now... especially not directly...

Am so high...

It's jus so sad, that all we seem to be livin on are pictures of each other... whether real or the ones in our head...

I jus miss reality you know?

I guess all of us try so hard to escape it, that when we finally do, we're jus too glad to really care bout what we've given up...

But I do...

I'd rather live in total fear of the real tmrw... than safe in a fake today...

I miss everythin that kept me going... before it turne out to be just these substitutions...

But that's all any of us do, no?

Replace reality with somethin fake... because artificialty is so much more perfect than reality...

There's nothin I've ever wanted more... but I guess you always feel like that bout even the substitutions...

I guess, in the end, all you can do is stop wondering what you've traded in for where you are... because this is where you are... and this is what you now are...

You can never go back... so there's no real use of regret...

Front porches... I just miss swinging... the moment of weightlessness, when nothin matters... not the ground nor the fact that you'll always only be there... stuck to the pkace you've carved out for yourself...

You can miss the ppl you got used to... but thats all you can do... you can't wish em back... not the moments... and not the people...

Who we were, will always mean so much... but it can never defeat what we are now... all we can do is get used to it... and stop complaining...

"Swing life away"

I suggest you hear this song... Thanks for the song link Mave-chan...

Thats pretty miuch all the junk I have to spew this time...

Cya later...

*smiles*

Every time this song plays now… all I can think of is him…

And the fact that he’s gone…

It’s pretty weird actually, considering I never even knew him… but I guess… it’s jus selfishness, coz I wish I did…

Where have you gone?

Are you ever coming back?

Should we wait till its dawn?

Or shall we begin to pack?

I dunno what it’s called

But it’s a pretty place, you know

I think I must have fallen

Through the Rabbit hole…

Are you in a different land?

Aren’t you all alone?

Don’t you understand?

We never wanted you to go…

You know I had to leave…

And I am not really alone

I have so many friends

And besides I’m all grown…

But we want you to return…

Coz we miss you so…

Oh darling if not you

We’re still just so alone…

I know… and I’m sorry

But I really want to stay

I can’t just leave Mary

And Alice says Lucy’s on her way…

Come back my precious child…

You’ve gone just too far

We’ll come and get you

Just tell us where you are

The sky is full of diamonds

And the grass just so green

There are strawberries, cats and caterpillars

And mushrooms to be seen

We’re looking for you dear

And we will find you someday

Just don’t go any further

And try to find your way

Mother dear, your voice is fading

And my friends are out to play

Mary Jane’s been callin’

Alice is goin to lead the way

Come back my baby girl

They’re leading you astray

Oh, come back from your new world

Please don’t go away?

I think I finally understand

What lies down this way

I think I’m lost in Wonderland

And I want to stay…

Am I going home? Or leavin it?...

Three months… Has it already been that long? Has it only been that long?...

I’m sittin at the airport. So glad I have the laptop. Spendin time alone with me is not something I want to do at this time…

A senior of mine got stabbed last nite… at an intersection less than 5 minutes away from college. He passed away before they got him to the hospital… Five times… How can anyone stab someone five times? How can you live with yourself after something like that?? How can you pull that blade out and…

I don’t understand… It’s not fair. It’s just not right. No one deserves something like this…

And the worst part is- I feel so horrid… even though I barely knew him. I can’t even begin to imagine what his close friends must be goin through… Who’s goin to tell his mother? And how?...

Yesterday was his last day here… His last day.

The cricket teams are here. Oh great. They’ll be on my flight. I don’t need this crowd right now. I really don’t. Well, maybe they’ll be on the earlier one. God, you really can’t go anywhere without runnin into someone from lawschool. Jus’ met one of my class mates. Oh well, I guess it’s only normal. Hols start today...  His friends are all canceling flights… and the ones that left are all coming back. The entire college looked so deserted and empty today… and there was no wind at all.. It was so deathly still…

I don’t wanna go back. Not because of any reason but the fact that it’ll fuck my mind up. Too many worlds. Control over none.

01 Oct 2007

0233

Am in my room… *smiles* as in, the one where my parents stay… Jus took a cold long bath. Tried to wash it all away… Didn’t really work… I’m jus’… blank. It comes in waves, sweeping over me and leavin me gaspin for breath in its wake…

May his soul rest in peace...

I read about them…

And I see their stories

Written with ink so red

It’s the same ink I use

We all do

But does that make me one of them?

I smile… sometimes

And sometimes I even manage a laugh

Does that make me one of the others?

I don’t know where I stand anymore

Both worlds mean so little…

And none of them matter…

Is that why I still stand at this line, not knowin which way to fall?

Or is it because I’m afraid I’ll hate the world I choose

Or miss one world too much if I forsake it?

Time to choose?

Must I?

I don’t know…

But I’m tired of livin in the middle

On this line…
 

“In a place like that, someone like you has an equal chance- of slipping and fallin… or finding your footing and being able to rise… Its upto you to decide… “

My father told me that before I came here…

I can’t make that decision…

I don’t know if it really is mine to make….

I also can’t choose which way to go

Coz I don’t really know which way is “forward” and which is the other

Everythin’s all the same

An endless cycle of… I dunno

Doesn’t matter…

I’m wandering off topic…

It’s just that…

I see where this leads

And I don’t want to be there

I don’t want to write those very words one day

Knowin there’s someone halfway across the world who wishes for me to stop

Even though we’ve never met

I don’t want someone to feel that... sorry for me…

So do I float or do I sink? 

Anything’s better than going under over and over

And knowing that every time I make it to the surface…

I’ll jus’ go under again…

There is one decision I must take soon though…

Who to appear to be…

Coz…

I’m runnin out of time to paint my mask…

Finally spoke to Seth... Its been such a long while... I miss the boy so much... He's hurt again... n I havn't even been there for him... But how could I have been? How can I try and keep him together when I can't do that much for me... I'm losing the pieces.. and I've ceased to care...

I'm glad Mave's around...
She takes care of him.
Talks to him
Tells him she loves him
I hate myself for stayin away so often
But there's nothin I can do...
I don't even dare ask him if he's cut again...

Why?

Coz I'm afraid of the answer

"Yeah"

And more importantly, the question that's sure to follow...

"Have you?"