28 posts tagged “lost”

In my head, it is all the same.
I can;t type properly, because it is cold... and I won;t stop shivering,,,

I could close the windows... but then the net will not work... and I'm cold enough tonight...

Who am I?

Why does this bother me so much?

I'm not an alcoholic.

Really!!!

But I'm cold... alone... and just a person on my own...

How does it matter where I'm from?

I'm afraid... coz I dunno what to say...

You were suppose to save me!
Why now?

Why?

She walks in that empty field
Night after night
Year after year
Bare feet that leave no prints on the hardened earth
She can still see the people
though there's no one but her there
She can still hear the music
though the guitars have long been taken away
She can still see the lights
though all that's there now is the moon
looking down in pity

"Autumn frosts have slain July"

July never mattered.
November did.
Always will.

The little girl wishes she could walk that field with her
Instead
She hides in her room
People come, people go
Nothing matters
No one does
She sits, listening to the same song over and over
And
She waits

And I...
I carry on
I smile
and laugh
and talk
But I wait with them...

Waiting.
That is all we do.
And nothing else matters...

It is cold tonight
Yet I leave the window open
And I keep looking out...
waiting.

I do not wait for a long lost lover
Nor a close friend
I do not wait for the coming of dawn
nor for the chirping of birds...

I just wait.

I wait for time to run out
as I am certain it one day shall
I wait for a voice to call out to me
one I am sure to follow...

I wait. For a sign.

Another trimester.
Over. Done with. Survived. Lived through.
I wanted this trimester to end. I hated so much of it.
And now it's over.

How do I feel?
I feel... lost for words.
I feel...
Inadequate.
Incomplete.
Like I've failed.
Cowardly.
Sad.
Tired
young
old

This trimester did teach me a lot. And I did a lot of things I never thought I would

- Read the book about Nehru
- Drank about 19 mugs of beer at Pecos
- Was invited to an AA meeting
- Went 11 days without a drop
- Spent a lot of time with myself
- Mailed Seth
- Finished the rpg that's been going on for over a year.
- Spoke to Zach very often
- Moved on
- Almost fell off the roof

"I hate you"
In nineteen years of existence, only one person has ever said those words to me.
Now, this may sound like its a rant, but it really isn't. This person told me it was pitiable that I seemed to be stuck, that it had been a year and I had not changed one bit. I was static and stagnant... and seemed unwilling to move on to the next level...
 

I’ve been thinking about that. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things lately.

A path of “slow and steady chaotic self destruction”

Those were my exact words I believe… Why did I choose this path? Why did I ever make such a decision? Looking back now, I guess I’m far away enough from the choice to try and understand it…

I guess I made that choice because I couldn’t exist in this world the way I am… and I know no other way to be...

There’s only so much one can change… and only so many times…

I can’t change…

I wish I could, but I know I never will be able to… and that’s why I chose this way…

Instead of waiting for the world to destroy me, I decided I would. If I had to be destroyed, it would be on my terms... no one else's.

But now…

Now, I know that though the reason may have been powerful enough, the choice I made may not have been the right one. I may have been wrong. I think I should try and change the path I’m walkin on even if I can not change who I am… There is no purpose to my path.

Destruction is not an end in itself. It is only a path... And a path without a purpose is meaningless. Even when we walk on paths without knowing where we are going, we always have our reasons.

Sometimes it is to escape...

Sometimes it is to get lost...

And sometimes... we are just hoping to be found...

I am tired of running around in tiny circles. I used to have a purpose... But somewhere along the way, it ceased to matter... and I have nothing left to believe in or hope for. I can not change that, but.. I can change how I spend my time waiting...

He's right...
But... does that mean I am wrong?
I don't know...
I could change... but is it worth it?
Do I want to?
Yes...
But do I want this to be the reason?
No...

What do I do?

Take away my pride and my pain... and what's left behind?
Nothing...
I was wrong...
I didn't keep me with me...
I became whiskey, vodka, weed...
There's nothing left of me anymore...
The pieces are ground so finely, all they are anymore is stardust...
Fine, shining, and utterly useless... even for a reflection...
All they do is provide good entertainment...

And you can only watch fragmented shards for this long...

For the last week, I've been logging in here every day... but even after an hour of staring at the screen... I can't type out what I'm thinkin of... Maybe because I've been so blank... or is it because there are too many thoughts runnin around in my head? I don't know...

I know I was sober as I turned 19. But also that it didn't last even an hour into my birthday...
I know on my b'day, I went to Mojos with my room-mate and a senior who shares the same b'day... And that I smoked over a pack in a matter of hours...
I know I've been randomly bonding with first years... and hoping they hear at least a few words of what I say...
I know I'm carrying letters that hurt every time I look at them... but its a...proud kind of pain... *smiles* You shan't say I'm weak all that too soon next time around...
I know I have to spend three hours in the library everyday... yet I haven't started projects...
I know the alternate day plan is more or less working... but I know it isn't good enough...
I know I'm too proud to cry... but I'm scared that maybe its just that I'm too tired...

Well, first year is more or less over. Exams all done with. Ah, hopefully anyway. Anyhow, a year here IS over and no number of repeats and carries can change that bit at least! Wow, a whole entire year. It seems strange. In one way, there seems no way that a whole year could have gone by, but then again, when I look back at Spiritus, Strawberry Fields, even the New Year Party... it seems like I've been here for centuries... like I've been here forever...

So, now that an entire year is over... How do I feel? I feel... strange. It seems weird that there was actually a time when life didn't revolve around projects, exams, Zero days, Pubs, Drinking and well... all the things that meant absolutely nothing a year ago. It actually hit me today how much we've gotten used to this sort of life when one of my friends happened to remark, and rather gladly may I add, "Dude!!! No exams for a month!!!" A month??? Since when is that something to be so happy about?... but that's just it. It has really become that way. A year ago, words like "Locus", "Per se", "Stunning" were not everyday words. A year ago we didn't start talkin about "personal capacity" over dinner when someone wanted to order something no one else at the table wanted...

Have I really been swallowed up that completely by this place? I don't know. In a way, I guess I have. And, honestly, it is rather comforting. I don't really mind most days. It's... distracting. Not always in a good way, but still...

Have I changed? I don't really know, but Mave says I have... and she's the only one from school I still talk to, so I guess she has her reasons for saying so. She says that before I came here, It seemed like I at least tried to hold on to some semblance of sanity... but now, its like I don't give a fuck anymore. Is that true? I don't know...

My first trimester here was just insane. It was like a drive in a really fast car. When you don't really know where you're going, but you love the wind in your hair so much, you don't really care. The second trimester was a complete blur. I did so much, but nothing at all at the same time... The third trimester is when I actually started thinking again. Once again, I don't know if that's a good thing or not...

Its just that... I guess, up until now every time my thoughts started to bother me, I'd just pick up a bottle and then nothing really mattered. Its gotten me into a lot of trouble, but I think I needed that. What scares me is that this phase seems like the calm before the storm...

Well, I thought I actually may get some studying done today, but ak jus called. She's free now. *giggles* Ahem, sorry. Anyway, she's free now and poor thing's wanderin about alone in town. Hmmm, I think Naxalism will have to wait for yet another day.

So, I'm off to town. Got perm, so have till about 10 pm. I dunno... Half of me wants this lazy Sunday, but I know if I spend too much time in the room, I'll jus go from melancholy-content to downright depressed. I''ll just go take a quick shower, throw on some clothes and hit town. Today, I want to do something different. Something fun.

Oh well, it is Ak n I. I'm sure we'll come up with something brilliant.

Till I return, I bid thee
Farewell...

P.S. Oh boy! I am gonna die tonight am I not? *laughs* In case I do, Mave you know what to do. Start with somehow getting my room cleared of all substances please? Lol. Lotsa luv to all.