Well, first year is more or less over. Exams all done with. Ah, hopefully anyway. Anyhow, a year here IS over and no number of repeats and carries can change that bit at least! Wow, a whole entire year. It seems strange. In one way, there seems no way that a whole year could have gone by, but then again, when I look back at Spiritus, Strawberry Fields, even the New Year Party... it seems like I've been here for centuries... like I've been here forever...

So, now that an entire year is over... How do I feel? I feel... strange. It seems weird that there was actually a time when life didn't revolve around projects, exams, Zero days, Pubs, Drinking and well... all the things that meant absolutely nothing a year ago. It actually hit me today how much we've gotten used to this sort of life when one of my friends happened to remark, and rather gladly may I add, "Dude!!! No exams for a month!!!" A month??? Since when is that something to be so happy about?... but that's just it. It has really become that way. A year ago, words like "Locus", "Per se", "Stunning" were not everyday words. A year ago we didn't start talkin about "personal capacity" over dinner when someone wanted to order something no one else at the table wanted...

Have I really been swallowed up that completely by this place? I don't know. In a way, I guess I have. And, honestly, it is rather comforting. I don't really mind most days. It's... distracting. Not always in a good way, but still...

Have I changed? I don't really know, but Mave says I have... and she's the only one from school I still talk to, so I guess she has her reasons for saying so. She says that before I came here, It seemed like I at least tried to hold on to some semblance of sanity... but now, its like I don't give a fuck anymore. Is that true? I don't know...

My first trimester here was just insane. It was like a drive in a really fast car. When you don't really know where you're going, but you love the wind in your hair so much, you don't really care. The second trimester was a complete blur. I did so much, but nothing at all at the same time... The third trimester is when I actually started thinking again. Once again, I don't know if that's a good thing or not...

Its just that... I guess, up until now every time my thoughts started to bother me, I'd just pick up a bottle and then nothing really mattered. Its gotten me into a lot of trouble, but I think I needed that. What scares me is that this phase seems like the calm before the storm...

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Well, I thought I actually may get some studying done today, but ak jus called. She's free now. *giggles* Ahem, sorry. Anyway, she's free now and poor thing's wanderin about alone in town. Hmmm, I think Naxalism will have to wait for yet another day.

So, I'm off to town. Got perm, so have till about 10 pm. I dunno... Half of me wants this lazy Sunday, but I know if I spend too much time in the room, I'll jus go from melancholy-content to downright depressed. I''ll just go take a quick shower, throw on some clothes and hit town. Today, I want to do something different. Something fun.

Oh well, it is Ak n I. I'm sure we'll come up with something brilliant.

Till I return, I bid thee
Farewell...

P.S. Oh boy! I am gonna die tonight am I not? *laughs* In case I do, Mave you know what to do. Start with somehow getting my room cleared of all substances please? Lol. Lotsa luv to all.

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He's mad at me again. We keep running in the same predictable little circles, never getting anywhere. It scares me. The whole situation. So much so, that every bone in my body is screaming at me to turn and run. As fast as possible and as far as possible. yet for some strange twisted inconceivable reason, I just don't. As I was walkin behind him today, wanting to explain, to try and make sense of this whole mess, I kept trying to say something, but the words just wouldn't come. They got twisted and lost inside. No, in fact, they simply disappeared. Burned up so completely that I didn't even have any ashes to show for my thoughts.

And I would have followed. But then what? I don't know what the point of all this is. I really really honestly don't understand. We're just causing each other and ourselves so much pain. But I can't leave. I'm tired of not understanding. I just want someone to explain to me what in the world is going on.

Sometimes, I want to pick up a rock and hit him on the head, really hard! Or just shake him till his teeth rattle. I want him to tell me what it is thats bothering him. I hate him being mad at me. And he's always mad at me. I thought I'd just avoid him coz I thought that it was the right thing to do. I thought he'd be better off if I was just gone... but weirdly enough, its like being bound. He has to tell me I have to leave, and only then will I be able to. I don't want to, but if it makes everything ok, I will...

I just don't know what to do. I don't know what'll make everything better... I don't know if anything ever will...

But last night, I was sitting there, with those shards of glass spread out before me. It was almost 5 in the morning, and then he messaged saying he had jus woken up for some strange reason... and I was so scared. I don't understand this.

I'm tired of being glass. And I'm tired of shattering...

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*laughs*
Am back to this song...
Well, it has been a while...
Has anything changed?
...

Ecstacy is now really all I need...
Literally...
And it's all I have...
Vain? Am I vain?... I dunno...
Now my world IS way too fast...
I don't even know where its going. Which direction... if there's any direction at all.
It's all just a haze... a blur...
None of it is real... and it doesn't matter whether it is or not, coz either way... none of it is going to last...

In love?
Why would you be in love with me?
*shakes head*
It's a mistake.
And its not true that I don't care...
*smiles sadly*
That's why I run away...
I don't wanna hurt you...

My anger into lust?
I don't even think thats possible... and even if it is.. I don't know how to...
I do trust you...
With my life... just not with my soul...

Don't wait for me...
Love?
Isn't there...
Sex
Can't be there unless there's love...
loneliness
...
Why would I take that from you?
...

Don't ask me to take what I want...
I don't know what I want...
GO AWAY!

You can't be in love with sins...
Not mine.
Not anyone's...
Stop waiting...
...

I don't fear desire... Do I?
*shakes head*
I do...
It'll consume us all...
I must leave...
Don't love me...
I can't take this anymore...
I am drowning...
I WON'T take you down with me...
My bitter pills are all that stay... all that I allow to stay...

Am I all or not?
I don't think I know the difference anymore..
...
...

*smiles*
Yeah, you're right...
The only reason you would stay is if you were blind...
Don't wait darling...
I'm long gone..
and even if I was to stay...
you'd leave, ne?

Then...
I guess there really is no point...
...
...
...

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2042
It's an experiment...
Always wanted to do this...
Will record statements every 15/20 mins...
Wanna note 'progress'
*grins*
Let's see...

2054
When did things changfe so much?
I can't even remember...

2128
Room mate's on the phone...
Am afraid of the things am sayin...
I hav to stop...
Under oath,,,
Stil in the process
Gettin hiugh...
I LOVE this!!!
^_^

2140
^_^
Who said happiness was hard?
...
Oh wait. -_-
That was me.
-_-

2204
Almost out of substance...
And am still in complete control...
Dunno how much of agood thing that is anymore...

Well...
lets see...

22213
Pardon me...
While I burst into flames....
Pardom me s I burn
and rise abive the flame...
*smiles*

Forgve me?...

2220
I dunno wat makes sense anymire...
*laughs*'
Not that anythings; new thre
Been like that for a while now...
At leats now...
Instead of jus bein ok with it as I've been for a while...
I'm back to lookin...'
to searchin...
and I knw I'll find the answer...
No matter what they say...

2234
I know I'll never be the same...
but you know what?
THAT... I'm okay with...

250
Each broken heart eventually mends...?
Each and every?...
I just am not that sure anymore...

2255
I tried you know...
To forget...
But I jus can't seem to...
There's too much that a blank anyway...

2300
WaS it wirth it?
All of this?...
I dunno...
but I WILL find out...
Till then...
Jade here...
Signin out...
*smiles*

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*click*
*light*
*drag*

heh...

At least the day dosn't begin that way...
The first of the day is usually in the second break...
even on the days I decide I won't smoke today... well, someone always wants to go..
and you go along...
company's sake...

But then, you're there so may as well, ne?
After all, there's always tmrw, right?
Except...
every tmrw is an exact repetition of today...

You know...
it wasn't supposed to be this way
*laughs*
But I guess that's what you always say, no matter how things turn out...

Is it a good thing?
That I'm really here?
I dunno...
I really don't...

It doesn't really matter, does it?,,,
Does it?,..

I dunno... too tired to think now...
Too tired...
It's been a while...
I love this...
Love everything shuttin down one by one...
Yeah, so my lungs are goin to die, but well, my liver's keepin it company...
lol, and as my 'friends' say, so is my life...
Doesn't matter...

Why though?
Most of the times, I'm ok with it...
In fact, I'm glad its this way...
I wanted this, no?
A life where I was in total control...
except...
am I?

Yeah, I'm free of people...
and the only place these thoughts find existence (other than in my head) is here...
And no one I know in real life reads themmm...
Jus online 'friends'... too far away to anythin bout it...
Exactly the way I wanted it...

So much more...
I could've had it all...
but then again in a way I guess I do...
Projects? Don't really matter, right?
Marks?
Well, not bankin too much on gettin by five yeas anyhow...
Why do I care now then?
Coz... well... No matter what...
I'll fight as long as I have to.
As long as there's an option..
It may seem like I'm losing...
but right now... stayin alive takes top priority...
and well... whatever helps me make sure I do... it's ok...
Long run?
Honestly speakin, am too worked up bout short run to care...

Someday, I'll leave it all behind...
And be everything I wanted to be...
but for now...
*click*
*light*
*drag*
I'm goin to concentrate on stayin alive...

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I love this song...

It's... perfect...

You can make that out just from the opening itself...

Moth... by Audioslave.

12 - Moth

Thought I was different, it seems I'm just the same

As again I put my hand over the flame...

Explains everythin you ever felt but couldn't put in words...

Every single time, you think that this time, it'll be different...

This time, you won't fall...

that you won't let the same thing happen ever again...

but it always does...

Thought I was smarter as I flew into the sun

...

I don't fly around your fire anymore...

It's what you keep tellin yourself... but no matter how many times you burn, and how many times you fall, you always crawl back to the light...

Over and over...

Like a dying moth...

I love the heat, I love the things that I forgot

I love the strings that tie me down and cut me off

And it's true...

You really do...

Just like dreams you can't remember...

no matter the pain they cause...

you love them, because you know they mean that there IS an answer...

and it's not just the darkness out there...

When did the flame burn so high and get so hot...

And how didn't you notice?

The flames creeping higher and higher...

Maybe because that also meant it was getting so much brighter...

and sometimes,... chasing away the dark is worth getting burned...

Why do you stay?

Every time...

Why?

You know what happens when you get too close to the flames...

when you stay too long...

You know exactly what happens...

and yet you stay...

Why?

I wouldn't really know...

but in the end... I guess... isn't it better to burn brightly for a while than fade away slowly into the cold night?

Maybe...

just maybe...

that's why...

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I hate bein alone...

and I absolutely LOVE it at the same time...

It's the only time I can really think... and I hate doin that... but I need to...

Does that make any sense?

It doesn't really to me...

You know, Iw as jus lookin at some old pictures... and It felt so weird...

it was like I was lookin at someone else's life... n I guess in a way I am...
I dunno..

I must get everythin back togethr.. but I can't seem to...

Doesn't matter... at least not right now...

I love this...

if it was up tp me... I would be like this every single wakin moment of my existence...

it's better than bein asleep... n Havin the same dream every night...

the one I can never remember...

I hate wakin up after that,,,

Just for once,... I want to go to sleep without really worryin bout it... I don't think it'll happen...

Not after my stupid vow...

I hate it when ppl swear to god... someone who they've never really seen in their lives...

i know that sometimes the most real things are the ones you can't believe... but... I dunno....

I just want all this to make sense someday...

Not today though...

Today. I am happy lost in this maze of disillusionment. Oh my, is that even how it's spelt?

I dunno....

I love it when none of this triviality matters....

"And one day we will die

And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea...

but for now, we are young

Let us play in the sun

and count all the beautiful things we can see,,,"

There always seem to be so many more of those when I feel this way...

and I love it...

I do NOT care if ppl think it's nasty of me, or horrible or whatever that I end up this way...

thois is the closest to happy memories that I have...

Everythin else is too distant....

It'll never matter... n that's what I love...

I don't know if 37 and a half is what I'll reach/cross... but for now... that's good enough...

Am I good enough yet??

I dunno...

and it doesn't matter....

Never mind this randomness...

I'll see you later, kay?....

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I shouldn't even be writin right now... especially not directly...

Am so high...

It's jus so sad, that all we seem to be livin on are pictures of each other... whether real or the ones in our head...

I jus miss reality you know?

I guess all of us try so hard to escape it, that when we finally do, we're jus too glad to really care bout what we've given up...

But I do...

I'd rather live in total fear of the real tmrw... than safe in a fake today...

I miss everythin that kept me going... before it turne out to be just these substitutions...

But that's all any of us do, no?

Replace reality with somethin fake... because artificialty is so much more perfect than reality...

There's nothin I've ever wanted more... but I guess you always feel like that bout even the substitutions...

I guess, in the end, all you can do is stop wondering what you've traded in for where you are... because this is where you are... and this is what you now are...

You can never go back... so there's no real use of regret...

Front porches... I just miss swinging... the moment of weightlessness, when nothin matters... not the ground nor the fact that you'll always only be there... stuck to the pkace you've carved out for yourself...

You can miss the ppl you got used to... but thats all you can do... you can't wish em back... not the moments... and not the people...

Who we were, will always mean so much... but it can never defeat what we are now... all we can do is get used to it... and stop complaining...

"Swing life away"

I suggest you hear this song... Thanks for the song link Mave-chan...

Thats pretty miuch all the junk I have to spew this time...

Cya later...

*smiles*

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