Well, I thought I actually may get some studying done today, but ak jus called. She's free now. *giggles* Ahem, sorry. Anyway, she's free now and poor thing's wanderin about alone in town. Hmmm, I think Naxalism will have to wait for yet another day.
So, I'm off to town. Got perm, so have till about 10 pm. I dunno... Half of me wants this lazy Sunday, but I know if I spend too much time in the room, I'll jus go from melancholy-content to downright depressed. I''ll just go take a quick shower, throw on some clothes and hit town. Today, I want to do something different. Something fun.
Oh well, it is Ak n I. I'm sure we'll come up with something brilliant.
Till I return, I bid thee
Farewell...
P.S. Oh boy! I am gonna die tonight am I not? *laughs* In case I do, Mave you know what to do. Start with somehow getting my room cleared of all substances please? Lol. Lotsa luv to all.
What goes around does come around, ne?
I don't know if I can do this anymore... except I don't think I really have a choice...
I'll survive...
I will NOT be weak...
...
...
...
Why do you think I'm strong?
I'm not...
I can't be...
I don't want to feel...
I was better off before...
I'll go back to it... if I can...
I don't know anymore...
I'm just so very tired...
Friends?
I have enough of those...
They can't make the rain stop...
and they can't stop night from falling...
Its okay...
I don't mind...
I love the rain...
And the night is the only time I can breathe...
So...
I guess I will stand...
Things will get better...
if not today... then tomorrow...
and if not then...
well... someday they will...
I'll live for that day... whenever it may come...
*smiles*
I'm okay...
I deserve this...
For all the lies I've ever said...
for all the tears I've caused...
Don't feel sorry for me...
I don't want pity...
I just want... all this to stop...
And I'll manage it on my own...
I don't need your help... and even if I do...
I sure don't want it...
So go away...
live your life...
I don't mind... and I don't blame you...
after all...
What goes around comes around...
*laughs*
Am back to this song...
Well, it has been a while...
Has anything changed?
...
Ecstacy is now really all I need...
Literally...
And it's all I have...
Vain? Am I vain?... I dunno...
Now my world IS way too fast...
I don't even know where its going. Which direction... if there's any direction at all.
It's all just a haze... a blur...
None of it is real... and it doesn't matter whether it is or not, coz either way... none of it is going to last...
In love?
Why would you be in love with me?
*shakes head*
It's a mistake.
And its not true that I don't care...
*smiles sadly*
That's why I run away...
I don't wanna hurt you...
My anger into lust?
I don't even think thats possible... and even if it is.. I don't know how to...
I do trust you...
With my life... just not with my soul...
Don't wait for me...
Love?
Isn't there...
Sex
Can't be there unless there's love...
loneliness
...
Why would I take that from you?
...
Don't ask me to take what I want...
I don't know what I want...
GO AWAY!
You can't be in love with sins...
Not mine.
Not anyone's...
Stop waiting...
...
I don't fear desire... Do I?
*shakes head*
I do...
It'll consume us all...
I must leave...
Don't love me...
I can't take this anymore...
I am drowning...
I WON'T take you down with me...
My bitter pills are all that stay... all that I allow to stay...
Am I all or not?
I don't think I know the difference anymore..
...
...
*smiles*
Yeah, you're right...
The only reason you would stay is if you were blind...
Don't wait darling...
I'm long gone..
and even if I was to stay...
you'd leave, ne?
Then...
I guess there really is no point...
...
...
...
I don’t love you when I’m sober
And I don’t care when I’m high
You can say what you want
I’m not goin to sit here and cry
I promise not to follow
You can go your own way
But don’t expect me to be here waiting
I don’t intend to stay
]]>Strawberry Fields.
No, not the song. (Though I love it completely too)
Those of you who know what I’m talking about deserve to live; the others may please jump off the nearest roof or into the nearest well.
Now that that’s out of the way, and I have absolutely nothing to do but go to a class I’m already late for and I seem to have lost the last of my smokes (@##%!^@%@), I shall attempt to describe what these last three days have been like.
Heaven.
Hmm… that was easy.
But seriously…
I was there. All that stuff bout pretty little children in puffy white clouds who play harps and have beautiful wings… is utter NONSENSE.
Heaven is a rock concert. And not just any, Heaven is strawberry fields.
Why is it such a big deal?
Is it the incredible music? The good food? The free booze? The hope of running into a hot guitarist?
Nah, those things happen in all rock concerts. Normal, ordinary ones (if I dare call a concert that!).
The reason it’s such a big deal is hard to put down in words. Or maybe I jus ended up with too many dead brain cells which used to control the grammar section of my brain!
Either way, the things that make it a big deal start from the minute you step into law school… Actually, back up, they start from before that…
Strawberry Fields is why I got into NLS.
Three days of waking up and reporting to a dry, scorched field, clearing it of all sorts of substances, listenin to people play music you love, running around getting food from everyone for everyone, the occasional stray can of beer, the cigarettes someone always manages to have, the kind of people you meet, the interesting conversations you’re part of, the fence hopping, the headbanging…
These and so many more random little things make Strawberry Fields so special…
*sigh*
I would love to go on… and believe me I can! (Ask my poor room mate, I just can’t shut up about how much I miss SF)
I must go now...
Or I’ll miss the next hour as well!!! More importantly… I have to find my smokes.
Rock on.
Strawberry Fields FOREVER!!!
]]>Finally spoke to Seth... Its been such a long while... I miss the boy so much... He's hurt again... n I havn't even been there for him... But how could I have been? How can I try and keep him together when I can't do that much for me... I'm losing the pieces.. and I've ceased to care...
I'm glad Mave's around...
She takes care of him.
Talks to him
Tells him she loves him
I hate myself for stayin away so often
But there's nothin I can do...
I don't even dare ask him if he's cut again...
Why?
Coz I'm afraid of the answer
"Yeah"
And more importantly, the question that's sure to follow...
"Have you?"
]]>