I look into your eyes
waiting for a sign...
for a trace, a shred of memory
of what you'd left behind

Instead I see just darkness
Staring out at us all
A smile that reveals just as much
as an empty dilapidated wall

Where did your laugh go?
That never failed to make me smile
Where did your strength go?
That kept us going all this while

I turn away, tired of waiting
and I want to walk away
I don't know how to tell you
you haunt me night and day

But a step is all I can take
Before you quietly say my name
and suddenly I'm back to the day we met
and everything is the same

I tried so hard to catch you
But all I could do was watch you fall
Now I turn around again
How can I walk away when my name you call?

So do you hide your pictures of me?
Stuff them in the middle of your books
In old forgotten cartons,
And all the places she never looks?

Do you smile every time they play our song?
Or do you just close your eyes?
Do you think of farmhouses and laughter?
And cold darkening November skies?

Do you ever think of me?
And all the times that we had?
Do memories of me make you laugh?
Or do they only make you sad?

Did you ever read my letter?
The one I wrote right after we fought
I wanted you to know I was sorry
but in my pride I was caught...

Do you wonder if I still love you?
But I don't think that can be
I jus wrote this song coz, darling,
I was going through some old books you see...

I just saw "What happens in Vegas"...
No, this isn't goin to be a review... nor is this goin to be an account of what I did today... Simply because it would be impossible. The first, coz of holes in my memory and trips in and out of the whole. The second, because it would all be a series of un-relatable giggling moments...
[chuckling for the boys if they prefer ;)]

Anyhow, today was... simply so much FUN!!! I had more fun today than I have had this whole trimester! And I mean that totally!!! There have been moments when I think every thing's perfect... but then the world crashes down on me... However, today, I got away for long enough... The world crashed, but I wasn't there anymore...

*smiles*

Room solidarity...
Must remember that...

So...
Am waitin for my contracts viva. Really bored. I was supposed to read last night, but slept off sharing my bed with my laptop, a pile of clothes, my bag and well, you get the point. My back hurts. :(

How do I feel today?
Better actually. These days are just too pretty to be depressed... It was rainin yesterday... For quite a while too... It was so beautiful. If it was up to me, It would never stop raining. Then everything would be washed away.

"Here comes the rain
Washing away all the pain"

*smiles*

I think too much for my own good...

If I ever do forget, and somehow make my way back here, I just want myself to know...

"I never chose it... and if something happened to actually make me wish for such a thing... then it may have been painful enough, but I still want to remember... so don't stop looking just because you're afraid of the pain. You're stronger than that."

*laughs*

Like it wasn't bad enough talkin to myself. I'm now talking to myself in other dimensions of space and time!!!

Ah well...
May as well get back to escrow...

Cya later...

Note- A letter to a friend. Hey, you wanted me to put this up here right? Even though you're probably never gonna read it...

Let’s talk tonight.

I know we should have done it long ago… while you were still around… but we were always so caught up in everything else…

And now you’ve gone so far away…

So, I guess I’ll just have to do with talking to the wall, hoping that somehow you can hear the words I always meant to say…

I never lied to you.

I always said, that this couldn’t go on forever, and that sooner or later, I meant to leave… and you agreed saying if I didn’t leave you surely would…

If both of us were so sure that this was all a mistake, then why do I feel so lost right now?

I keep wondering how you’re doing.

You seem fine…

And so I pretend I am too…

But every time you see right through me, I feel… horrible… as if I really am invisible, floating through this foreign world like some sort of ghost.

And I feel alone…

You told me that you were finally content… and that everything finally seemed like it was under control…

I don’t wanna mess that up.

I can’t… but I know that if I stick around for a while, I will…

So you’ll never see the scars, and you’ll never really hear what I‘m trying to say…

I guess it’s not really us talking tonight…

It’s just me…

And no one’s listening…

Good night darling.

For what its worth, thank you…

2330

Be strong?

Gentle?

Proud?

Of what?

Explain to me…

I always thought that there would be something we would all look forward to… and some memory that we’d always keep with us forever…

And every time things got too hard to bear, I could just shut my eyes and think of that one day… and everything would be fine… but…

I can’t remember…

I can’t remember any part of that…
Who I was… What it meant… Nothing…

It’s hurtful… to think that there was a time when everythin mattered so much… and when a single word could brighten up the day… and make even the darkest skies seem beautiful…

There must have been a day like that… right?...

Then… Why can’t I remember?

Why is it so far away?

I remember… when it rained… and I’d sit outside waiting… for something to make it all better… but nothing ever did…

No matter how long I waited…

I know there was a time when all that mattered was everyone close to me being happy…

When did I settle for safe?

When did I decide that was more important?

Why can’t I remember?

I want to…

But I’m so afraid… of remembering… because I’ve tried so hard to forget…

I must have my reasons right?

We all do…

Always…

But still, some days… when it rains… I find myself waiting…

And I still don’t know for what…

A recurring nightmare

A recurring nightmare, A forgotten past

An unshed tear falls at last

Haunted by faceless names & nameless faces

Of sanity within me, I find no traces

Fragile bonds, slowly grow stronger

A wailing cry seeming so much longer

A burden so tiresome, a load so heavy

A path unwalked, footsteps so lonely

A wound unhealing haunting my soul

Blood that falls as rain, so numbing cold

A strong rebellion, a silent plea

A hand outstretched waiting to feel

A threat so great, a fear so strong

A slipping grasp, tired of holding on

Nothin to rely on, No one to trust

Long forgotten memories gathering dust

A fate unaccepted, a cry so silent

A destiny so lonesome, an end so violent

Hidden signs, cryptic dreams

Silent cries & shattering screams

A tear stained face, a soul so broken

Whispers words that remain forever unspoken

A bleeding soul, needing to heal

An outstretched hand waiting to feel

An unshed tear falls at last

A recurring nightmare, a forgotten past…