JadeMidori’s blog

JadeMidori - 15 June 2008 00:03:56

nobody@vox.com(JadeMidori) — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 00:04:19 +0530

Yay! My 'social life' LIVES again!!! Muhahahahaha!! ^^

Today, Lin, An.K and I had gone shopping, and for once in my life I wasn't just the bag-holder, clothes-picking helper; I actually bought a lot of stuff myself! Now THAT is news! Lol. Other than that, today was fun. We had momos for lunch (finally) along with Thupka. Both veg since An.K's veg, but it was too hot to eat meat anyway. Also, I finally smoked today. Oh my GOD, I can't even describe what a relief it was! Ooooh, separate post about that comin up! ^_^

Lin's cousin brother picked us up and dropped us. She met my parents and now I'm hoping they'll let me go out tmrw. Cafe Morisson. It'll be soooooooooo much fun!!! C.R will be dropping us back at nite. (He was supposed to show up today as well, but didn't.) E-san will be there too! ^_^

Anyhow, after spendin a lil bit of time here, Lin and I went to 'Spice mall' where we met E-san and V.V. Had lotsa coffee, after which E-san and I dropped Lin home. It's not that bad meetin Law-schoolites outside college. I honestly don't see why everyone makes so big a deal about it! Ah well, I guess its annoying if you have plans with non-law schoolites and you keep runnin into em. I dunno...

Anyhow, I shall now return to ODing on chocolates! ^_^

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JadeMidori - 11 June 2008 02:01:11

nobody@vox.com(JadeMidori) — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 02:01:20 +0530

It really is quite funny. Swore I wouldn't go buy vegetables these hols. Had to do that already. Swore I wouldn't meet a single law-schoolite, especially not a first year. Already met lin.

So how do I like this place? Well, I've been out the whole day. Mum, Dad and I left at around 10 in the mornin. Went to a whole lotta banks, K's school and then the mall. I HATE banks almost as much as I hate buying vegetables!!!, I'm freaked out bout K coz I can't stop thinkin about the line of ppl in Law School from his school. err... They're all really nice, but still... -_-... oooh, Hi Robert-san. err... No, I never said you were strange. heh. *nervous laugh*

Anyhow, yes, the mall! *desperately tryin to change the subject* I did buy a lot of food and clothes. *nods* I bought many tops, a shirt, a skirt and this really nice green dress. I love it. Mother did not want me to buy it, but then again, neither did she want me to buy the skirt. I guess that's what the problem is with being a don't-give-a-fuck kid. I wore whatever they got me for so long, they just can't see the fact that I AM almost 19, and once in a while, I like wearing something that isn't from their century. *shakes head* Never mind. I guess I'll always be 7 in their eyes...

Lets see. What else did I buy? Well, Pringles must be mentioned! The rest of it is just general stuff I guess. We got back at bout 1900. Oooh, I finally did have a hot dog today. *sighs dreamily* Finally!

Anyhow, the rest of the day was ok... There was a little yelling in the middle. I ran out though. Met Lin and then as I was supposed to buy vegetables and yoghurt, set off to find 'Mother Dairy'. I got lost on my way though... But to be honest, It was kinda nice. I like being lost. No... I guess... I like looking for the way. It isn't very essential that I find it, but I do love looking for it...

Am having the weird sort of sweet yoghurt that I got. Hmm... It's kinda strange, but it is yoghurt, so ^_^
Anyhow, I need a cigarette. Am goin crazy livin here. I'd say I can't wait for college to begin, but i'm not done recharging yet...

Cya later...

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JadeMidori - 06 June 2008 20:16:44

nobody@vox.com(JadeMidori) — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 20:12:36 +0530

Lin, Amy Winehouse, two quarts of whiskey, lot of coke, chips and I. It's gonna be a fun night. Or a really whiny night. *laughs* But fun nevertheless.

Cya when I'm gone.

Been a while since I wrote here like that...

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JadeMidori - 06 June 2008 05:47:28

nobody@vox.com(JadeMidori) — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 05:41:55 +0530

I.M is such a spaz. Its so much fun annoyin him! *laughs* Its a little too easy though. *grins* He'd kill me if he could read this. I was just talkin to him on gtalk. I wont be surprised if no one else on campus is awake!!! Then again, I won't be surprised if almost every one is either.

Ak, A.M and Aq have gone to Gokarna. I really wanted to go, and it kinda kills me coz B.S and I spent so much time obsessin over it... and then finally both of us didn't go. Why didn't I go? Ah, a long story... Quite simply put, I just felt like I shouldn't. At all. I don't know if its because I MUST stay here, or because I MUST not go there. I jus hope I know by the end of these two days... though I seriously do doubt it.

Today, Meg-chan, L.B and R.A went out for dinner to NSS. Then spent a lot of time (and cigarettes) at CCD. Was fun. But too many days like this, and I'll end up dying of lung cancer. She makes me want to smoke. -_-. A LOT. *sigh* But it was still fun.

Anyhow, I shall go now. Maybe watch Death Note. Hmm, lets see.

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JadeMidori - 06 June 2008 00:42:35

nobody@vox.com(JadeMidori) — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 00:37:04 +0530

Well, first year is more or less over. Exams all done with. Ah, hopefully anyway. Anyhow, a year here IS over and no number of repeats and carries can change that bit at least! Wow, a whole entire year. It seems strange. In one way, there seems no way that a whole year could have gone by, but then again, when I look back at Spiritus, Strawberry Fields, even the New Year Party... it seems like I've been here for centuries... like I've been here forever...

So, now that an entire year is over... How do I feel? I feel... strange. It seems weird that there was actually a time when life didn't revolve around projects, exams, Zero days, Pubs, Drinking and well... all the things that meant absolutely nothing a year ago. It actually hit me today how much we've gotten used to this sort of life when one of my friends happened to remark, and rather gladly may I add, "Dude!!! No exams for a month!!!" A month??? Since when is that something to be so happy about?... but that's just it. It has really become that way. A year ago, words like "Locus", "Per se", "Stunning" were not everyday words. A year ago we didn't start talkin about "personal capacity" over dinner when someone wanted to order something no one else at the table wanted...

Have I really been swallowed up that completely by this place? I don't know. In a way, I guess I have. And, honestly, it is rather comforting. I don't really mind most days. It's... distracting. Not always in a good way, but still...

Have I changed? I don't really know, but Mave says I have... and she's the only one from school I still talk to, so I guess she has her reasons for saying so. She says that before I came here, It seemed like I at least tried to hold on to some semblance of sanity... but now, its like I don't give a fuck anymore. Is that true? I don't know...

My first trimester here was just insane. It was like a drive in a really fast car. When you don't really know where you're going, but you love the wind in your hair so much, you don't really care. The second trimester was a complete blur. I did so much, but nothing at all at the same time... The third trimester is when I actually started thinking again. Once again, I don't know if that's a good thing or not...

Its just that... I guess, up until now every time my thoughts started to bother me, I'd just pick up a bottle and then nothing really mattered. Its gotten me into a lot of trouble, but I think I needed that. What scares me is that this phase seems like the calm before the storm...

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JadeMidori - 02 June 2008 01:35:05

nobody@vox.com(JadeMidori) — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 01:29:23 +0530

I think I've stabilized now... at least for a bit. The last few days have been... insane. The intensity of my thoughts during that time scares me till now... I don't know what came over me. I don't know what I was doing, or saying. And then for a while... everything shut down...

To be honest, I don't know if this state is stability... or just numbness. I feel calmer than before... but I also feel like I will be okay with whatever happens now. I don't know... The last few days were painful, undoubtedly... but everything was just so much more... real... in a very twisted way... The last few days have also been the most dreamlike days I've ever had. If I had to try and explain... I'd say they were like a reality of another world.

The weather, my thoughts... nothing was real... yet it was so important... and it made me feel... alive. but it hurt.

*laughs*

This is the worst job of putting together a post I could have ever done! But... I just can't explain what I've felt like recently... because... there has been no precedent. It's just... really strange. And unsettling. And I don't understand it one bit. It confuses me.

*shakes head*

What's wrong with me?

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JadeMidori - 01 June 2008 00:52:27

nobody@vox.com(JadeMidori) — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 00:46:49 +0530

Spent all evenin watchin Lion King videos on Youtube. Wow, I love Lion King.

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JadeMidori - 31 May 2008 21:09:44

nobody@vox.com(JadeMidori) — Sat, 31 May 2008 21:03:58 +0530

Tonight's going to be my 'alone time' night. A bottle of water, a bar of chocolate and music... and I'm all set for the night. It translates to a lot of thinking and a lot of writing, which means a LOT of posts. Should be a good thing considering I haven't done much of the former for a while now...

J canceled vivas but I had mine today. I told proff. that my dad was coming to town on Monday and that it would be nice if he could hold the viva today. How did it go? I dunno. And right now, the important part is that its over. Heh. -_- This sort of thinking is so gonna get me KILLED!!!

Then G.B, A.M and I went out to nags in the pouring rain in A.M's car and drank coffee. Smoked a cigarette and then came back and waited in the parkin lot for the rain to stop. Listenin to music, watching the rain, smoking... was very calming... Of course then we had to run through the rain coz A.M's sister needed the car. Lol...

I didn't smoke up. Am I proud? Glad? Retarded? lol, I dunno. Didn't feel like yesterday when I crushed that cigarette... but it still felt kinda nice. Is this a new phase? I sure hope so... I'm gettin tired of the old one. Oh, on that note, lemme type out a msg I sent to a friend today.

"You know what? I loathe what life's become. I loathe that smoking, drinking and drugs is wat everything seems to revolve around. I hate that I've now really become someone I was sure I'd never be. And I'm scared that once I stop.. I'll have nothing to replace it with. Lol, but trying's what life's all about, no? I succeeded at gettin into it. Will I make it out? That's something I'm too afraid to try now. And I dunno if its because I may fail.. Or because I may succeed"...

I walked around in the rain for a while. I love the rain. *laughs* I know, I know, I say it too many times... but I do... Like I said today... Give me endless rain and I'll give up everything else. Everything.

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JadeMidori - 31 May 2008 01:26:42

nobody@vox.com(JadeMidori) — Sat, 31 May 2008 01:21:07 +0530

He's mad at me again. We keep running in the same predictable little circles, never getting anywhere. It scares me. The whole situation. So much so, that every bone in my body is screaming at me to turn and run. As fast as possible and as far as possible. yet for some strange twisted inconceivable reason, I just don't. As I was walkin behind him today, wanting to explain, to try and make sense of this whole mess, I kept trying to say something, but the words just wouldn't come. They got twisted and lost inside. No, in fact, they simply disappeared. Burned up so completely that I didn't even have any ashes to show for my thoughts.

And I would have followed. But then what? I don't know what the point of all this is. I really really honestly don't understand. We're just causing each other and ourselves so much pain. But I can't leave. I'm tired of not understanding. I just want someone to explain to me what in the world is going on.

Sometimes, I want to pick up a rock and hit him on the head, really hard! Or just shake him till his teeth rattle. I want him to tell me what it is thats bothering him. I hate him being mad at me. And he's always mad at me. I thought I'd just avoid him coz I thought that it was the right thing to do. I thought he'd be better off if I was just gone... but weirdly enough, its like being bound. He has to tell me I have to leave, and only then will I be able to. I don't want to, but if it makes everything ok, I will...

I just don't know what to do. I don't know what'll make everything better... I don't know if anything ever will...

But last night, I was sitting there, with those shards of glass spread out before me. It was almost 5 in the morning, and then he messaged saying he had jus woken up for some strange reason... and I was so scared. I don't understand this.

I'm tired of being glass. And I'm tired of shattering...

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Home?

nobody@vox.com(JadeMidori) — Fri, 30 May 2008 05:50:13 +0530

So its almost time to go home again. Home. Where is home? For the last 4 odd years, it's been the house at the end of the road. The one with the mango tree in the front yard. Opposite where the buses stop for the school... and where the children play football in the evening. Its been the house I felt relieved seeing when my fourth round of running was up... and the one I hated returning to every once in a while. It was the place where I could stand in the garden and hear my dog bark... and the place from where the arguing voices somehow reached everywhere.

Wow, in this one para, I've listed so many things I love. I'm goin to miss that place. I'm going to miss the rain falling and the water filling up in our front yard to the point where we had to wade through it all. I'm going to miss sitting outside during storms and watch lightning flash across the sky. I'm going to miss the two weird doors, where one closed on its own and the other just refused to.

I'll miss the chair my dog used to sit on and look out from dolefully when we'd be leaving to anyplace... and where she'd be sitting and barking happily as we drove back. I'll miss Estel's grave... I'll miss the flowers and the smell of real earth early in the morning.

I'm going to miss waking up early in the morning coz its my turn to walk sparky, feeling miserable about it, and just stepping outside and realizing I'd give up all my sleep to just watch the sky like that a few more times...

Yeah, I'm going to miss that place. Was it home? I don't know... but its not where I'll be going... and I'm going to miss it... a lot...

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