4 posts tagged “over”

She poured out another shot and downed it. After an entire week of agonizing, she had made up her mind. She was going to go talk to him tonight, no matter what. She slipped out of the dim bar determinedly. She even had the entire conversation planned out in her head. What she would say in response to every thing he could say. She had even decided where they would talk and how she would bring about the topic. She was sick of the thoughts rattling in her head. And tired of trying to guess what he was thinking.

He stood outside on the balcony, a half forgotten cigarette dangling loosely from his lips. It was a nice night. He looked back into the house and saw the file lying on the table. An odd expression flitted across his face, and then he smiled, taking a deep drag and exhaling slowly into the cold night air. It was going to be a long night.

So, after a couple of shots of vodka, for the strength, she made her way across the busy streets towards his house. It was a pretty night. The city lights drowned out most of the stars, but the ones that she could still see were beautiful enough. She was wearing her black dress. The one she was wearing the first time they had met. She wondered if he would notice, or remember... She didn't think so... She didn't know if she wanted him to... It would be less painful if he had forgotten. She didn't know why but she wanted to see him in it, considering it was the last time she was going to see him, at least for a while.

He made his way into the house and sat down in the dimly lit room. He glanced up at the file and muttered to himself. A short laugh followed by a frown. He looked away from the table and his gaze fell upon the small box lying under a chair. Standing up, he made his way towards it, a strange look upon his face. Kneeling by the chair, he pulled out the box with slightly trembling hands. It fit in his palm, and he stared at it for a long while.

It wasn't like she wanted him back, she reminded herself. It was just that this needed to be over, and the only way she could do that was talk to him, get it out of her system. She wasn't going to cry. No matter what, she was not going to cry. A wave of dizziness washed over her and she made her way to the sidewalk where she sat down at the edge of the road, resting her head against a cool metal pole. She knew she shouldn't be drinking. Not tonight. She pulled out a cigarette and a matchbox. Unable to light it because of the way her hands were shaking, she rummaged around in her bag until she found the lighter. Click. Light. Drag. Something fluttered to the ground, and as she picked up the faded photograph, a tear finally found its way down her pale face.

It seemed like he hadn't moved for hours. He knew he shouldn't open the box. God knows he wanted to, but he couldn't. Not now. It would surely destroy him. Turning it around he traced the crack along the side of it with his thumb. He closed his eyes as if something had just stabbed him in the heart. Why tonight? Why did he have to find it tonight?? Pictures ran through his mind and his eyes shot open. No. He couldn't close his eyes right now. It made him remember. He didn't want to. Not now.

She looked up at the house. The address seemed right, though it looked as if no one was home. She walked up to the door... and suddenly, it all seemed too pointless. What was the use? She was kidding herself if she thought one conversation would actually help her. But this wasn't about her. She owed him an apology... No... She owed him an explanation. She stared at the door bell for a while, and shook her head. A rain drop fell from the skies and she turned to leave...

He stared at the box for what seemed like eternity. The cool wind told him it was about to rain. Rain. He hated the rain. He hated it because it reminded him of strawberries and long sad conversations... and because it reminded him of the last time he had seen her. Had she been crying? It was impossible to tell because of that rain... Standing up suddenly, he made his way unsteadily to the phone. Holding the receiver up to his ear, he dialed the all-to-familiar number. It had been so long, yet every digit was engraved in his memory.

She walked away quickly from the house, suddenly afraid of running into him. Her flight out of the country was in a few hours. A few more hours and she would never see him again. No, that moment passed by the last time it rained. As the water started falling faster from the skies, she looked up and smiled, glad it was raining. But, it didn't really matter anymore... This time there was no one around to hide the tears from. Making her way onto the porch of an empty house, she leaned against the pillar and slid to the ground. There was no point. None.

 An image of her in her long black dress made its way into his mind and he hung up before it connected. What could he say? There was nothing he could offer as way of explanation. The truth would only hurt more than the silence did. She couldn't know. He couldn't let her find out. The file on the table seemed to mock him. Leaning against the wall, he raised his eyes to the ceiling. There was no point. It was over.

And so the door was never opened, and the phone never answered. Simply because she never knocked... and he never called. And the faded photograph continued to fade away in a corner of the bag while the broken box continued to stay broken. And the rain continued to fall on two people halfway across the world from one another... and even though it shouldn't have mattered because there was no point... it continued to matter.

Well, first year is more or less over. Exams all done with. Ah, hopefully anyway. Anyhow, a year here IS over and no number of repeats and carries can change that bit at least! Wow, a whole entire year. It seems strange. In one way, there seems no way that a whole year could have gone by, but then again, when I look back at Spiritus, Strawberry Fields, even the New Year Party... it seems like I've been here for centuries... like I've been here forever...

So, now that an entire year is over... How do I feel? I feel... strange. It seems weird that there was actually a time when life didn't revolve around projects, exams, Zero days, Pubs, Drinking and well... all the things that meant absolutely nothing a year ago. It actually hit me today how much we've gotten used to this sort of life when one of my friends happened to remark, and rather gladly may I add, "Dude!!! No exams for a month!!!" A month??? Since when is that something to be so happy about?... but that's just it. It has really become that way. A year ago, words like "Locus", "Per se", "Stunning" were not everyday words. A year ago we didn't start talkin about "personal capacity" over dinner when someone wanted to order something no one else at the table wanted...

Have I really been swallowed up that completely by this place? I don't know. In a way, I guess I have. And, honestly, it is rather comforting. I don't really mind most days. It's... distracting. Not always in a good way, but still...

Have I changed? I don't really know, but Mave says I have... and she's the only one from school I still talk to, so I guess she has her reasons for saying so. She says that before I came here, It seemed like I at least tried to hold on to some semblance of sanity... but now, its like I don't give a fuck anymore. Is that true? I don't know...

My first trimester here was just insane. It was like a drive in a really fast car. When you don't really know where you're going, but you love the wind in your hair so much, you don't really care. The second trimester was a complete blur. I did so much, but nothing at all at the same time... The third trimester is when I actually started thinking again. Once again, I don't know if that's a good thing or not...

Its just that... I guess, up until now every time my thoughts started to bother me, I'd just pick up a bottle and then nothing really mattered. Its gotten me into a lot of trouble, but I think I needed that. What scares me is that this phase seems like the calm before the storm...

I hate bein alone...

and I absolutely LOVE it at the same time...

It's the only time I can really think... and I hate doin that... but I need to...

Does that make any sense?

It doesn't really to me...

You know, Iw as jus lookin at some old pictures... and It felt so weird...

it was like I was lookin at someone else's life... n I guess in a way I am...
I dunno..

I must get everythin back togethr.. but I can't seem to...

Doesn't matter... at least not right now...

I love this...

if it was up tp me... I would be like this every single wakin moment of my existence...

it's better than bein asleep... n Havin the same dream every night...

the one I can never remember...

I hate wakin up after that,,,

Just for once,... I want to go to sleep without really worryin bout it... I don't think it'll happen...

Not after my stupid vow...

I hate it when ppl swear to god... someone who they've never really seen in their lives...

i know that sometimes the most real things are the ones you can't believe... but... I dunno....

I just want all this to make sense someday...

Not today though...

Today. I am happy lost in this maze of disillusionment. Oh my, is that even how it's spelt?

I dunno....

I love it when none of this triviality matters....

"And one day we will die

And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea...

but for now, we are young

Let us play in the sun

and count all the beautiful things we can see,,,"

There always seem to be so many more of those when I feel this way...

and I love it...

I do NOT care if ppl think it's nasty of me, or horrible or whatever that I end up this way...

thois is the closest to happy memories that I have...

Everythin else is too distant....

It'll never matter... n that's what I love...

I don't know if 37 and a half is what I'll reach/cross... but for now... that's good enough...

Am I good enough yet??

I dunno...

and it doesn't matter....

Never mind this randomness...

I'll see you later, kay?....

I never intended it to be this way...
Or maybe thats a lie
Maybe this is exactly where I knew I would be...
But there was nowhere to turn
Nowhere at all

I hate this place
and hate kills me...
I hate them all
Everyone in this world...
Im sorry...

I shouldnt hav come this far
I knew
I knew all along
That in the end, there was nothin but the sheer drop
Yet I kept climbin
And now Im at the top
And it feels like the end
The sun shines on, clueless
Not knowin that here Im ending, dying, fadin away
Or maybe its jus tryin to warm the last few minutes of my life...
Either way, it doesnt matter...
Nothin really does...
Im so high up,
my life lies below me
On the endless twistin and turnin road that led me here
And I see nothin but a story of uselessness
I've come too far to go back...
and I dont think I remember where to go back to anyway
And there is nothin ahead of me...
Except more of this nothingness
And Im tired of nothingness...

So I stand at the very edge
and watch as the sun rises as I begin to end...
It would hav been nice if I could hav felt its warmth one last time...
One first time...
Tel me what its like
To not be so cold...
I do not know...
and Im tired of tryin to find out...
I want nothin now...
The wind plays with my hair...
tellin me not to give up yet...
a message from the sun perhaps...
"I amnt givin up" I whisper back
"Im gettin out"
"Gettin away"...
The wind rages now "You're runnin away"
"Coward"
"Weak"
...
I smile at the sun
"No, Not runnin away..."
Walkin away...