18 posts tagged “pain”

As soon as I belong... its time I disappeared.

I'm digging my way to something better...
And I have no time to pick up the pieces of me that keep falling.

Brittle.
And cold.

And to think I was born of fire...

Will I ever be able to atone for everything?
I don't think so... not at the rate at which I attract and gather pain.

Guilt has become me...
Pain, Guilt, Lies and Disillusionment.

To something better?
.
Lets just keep digging....

Why do we fight?
Why do we dream?
Why do we hope?
Why do we continue?
Why do we look to the heavens when we don't believe in God?
Why do we smoke?
Why do we drink?
Why do we love?
Why do we chase?
Why do we desire?
Why do we die?
Why don't we know when to stop?
Why do we regret?
Why do we think?
Why do we do all those things that we know will haunt us?
Why do things bother us?
Why do we question?
Why do we live?
Why do we die?
Why do we dream?
Why do we wake?...

"I hate you"
In nineteen years of existence, only one person has ever said those words to me.
Now, this may sound like its a rant, but it really isn't. This person told me it was pitiable that I seemed to be stuck, that it had been a year and I had not changed one bit. I was static and stagnant... and seemed unwilling to move on to the next level...
 

I’ve been thinking about that. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things lately.

A path of “slow and steady chaotic self destruction”

Those were my exact words I believe… Why did I choose this path? Why did I ever make such a decision? Looking back now, I guess I’m far away enough from the choice to try and understand it…

I guess I made that choice because I couldn’t exist in this world the way I am… and I know no other way to be...

There’s only so much one can change… and only so many times…

I can’t change…

I wish I could, but I know I never will be able to… and that’s why I chose this way…

Instead of waiting for the world to destroy me, I decided I would. If I had to be destroyed, it would be on my terms... no one else's.

But now…

Now, I know that though the reason may have been powerful enough, the choice I made may not have been the right one. I may have been wrong. I think I should try and change the path I’m walkin on even if I can not change who I am… There is no purpose to my path.

Destruction is not an end in itself. It is only a path... And a path without a purpose is meaningless. Even when we walk on paths without knowing where we are going, we always have our reasons.

Sometimes it is to escape...

Sometimes it is to get lost...

And sometimes... we are just hoping to be found...

I am tired of running around in tiny circles. I used to have a purpose... But somewhere along the way, it ceased to matter... and I have nothing left to believe in or hope for. I can not change that, but.. I can change how I spend my time waiting...

He's right...
But... does that mean I am wrong?
I don't know...
I could change... but is it worth it?
Do I want to?
Yes...
But do I want this to be the reason?
No...

What do I do?

Take away my pride and my pain... and what's left behind?
Nothing...
I was wrong...
I didn't keep me with me...
I became whiskey, vodka, weed...
There's nothing left of me anymore...
The pieces are ground so finely, all they are anymore is stardust...
Fine, shining, and utterly useless... even for a reflection...
All they do is provide good entertainment...

And you can only watch fragmented shards for this long...

Reality. Its always been the most important thing to me. More than love or happiness or kindness. And all my life, all I've been doin is running away from reality... You don't understand... I can't take reality right now. As long as I live by the fundamental principle, that deluded is better than dead, I'm safe... but every once in a while, this block falls... and everything else comes crashing down... When this happens, I look at every piece and try to ascertain where it fits... and I can't do that...

Maybe the reason reality is so important to me is because I know its something I can never really have...

Why do I end up so restless and eager to escape from wherever I go? Maybe I just got too used to travelling... but I can't stand staying anywhere for too long. I just can't. Like I said in my last post, familiarity breeds contempt... and for me thats always been the case. People, things, places, it doesn't matter. Long enough, and I have to get away...

So anyhow, Zach called. Turns out that some people told him that I've been drinkin too much and I'm cutting again. Brilliant... But I'm not drinkin too much... I've been sober for 72 hours. And I hadn't cut since January...

That's another thing. Why intoxicants? They make the line between real and not easier to deal with. Its like being on a tightrope. I can fall on either side, and the only reason I'm not making that decision is that I'm scared... but I don't know whether I'm scared of missing the world I finally give up... or not being able to stand the one I finally choose. But God, if he/she does exist, is making sure I don't fall. That I stay on the damned high wire... and that in the end, it is finally my decision and mine alone...

S.S, Ak n I were talkin about authority and how we've always dealt with it and the discussion ended with me grinning and stating that I always get what I want. Always. (What can I say? its true! *grins*) And S.S turns to me and says "Jade, there's just one thing I'm really scared about, you know? One day you're going to meet someone whose goin to give it back to you so bad... you'll never recover from it"

Well S.S darlin, when that day comes, I'll deal with it... And if its already here... I think I'm doin just fine...

I think in a way, the reason I can stay sober for long (well, kinda long anyway) periods of time is coz of the whole Japan thing. At the end of the day, I'm not THAT deluded to actually believe its an inherent dream. Its somethin I've made up. It helps. Its the reason I can stand most things. Its the reason I'm not failing miserably (not all the time anyhow), turning into a complete alcoholic and basically not giving a fuck... Coz if I want to get to Japan- If I want us to get to Japan- I have to be sober. I have to at least submit projects sometime. And I have to finally pass. Its a conjured up dream... but it is still a dream...

Also I may repeatedly say "its all I have". But thats not really true either. I have a lot of things... However, this dream is all I have thats keeping me sober, if not sane. And like I've said repeatedly, Sanity is fuckin over-rated anyhow.

What people don't understand is that there is actually no reason to be worried about me. Concern is well and good, so is care. But frankly, it doesn't change a thing. I'm still goin to be fucked in the head or not no matter how many times you hug me or hold my hand. And I'm always going to be in it alone. You can't share it. Not my pain, not my fears. and thats true for everyone... Everyone always deals with stuff alone. Its jus that they've been brought up to accept that sorrow, suffering and all that can be shared. Heh. And they call me deluded.

She leaned over the gray stone sink, her dark eyes empty and unfocussed, seemingly staring at a point beyond her own distorted reflection. A sad lonely song played on in the background, but she seemed oblivious to it. Someone was banging on the fragile bathroom door. The girl didn't move. She did not even seem to hear. Silence filled the air. She kept gazing at whatever it was that only she could see. The song ended and another began... Her eyes filled up with tears...

For a while, she let them swim there and then... she blinked, a confused look flitting across her face. Suddenly, she reached up and angrily wiped away the forming tears with the sleeve of her white too-big T-shirt. As she accidentally dragged the sleeve down her face, the frown changed to a grimace. Her head snapped up to attention and she stared at the girl in the mirror as if seeing her there for the first time. Her eyes drifted over the straggly dark hair that fell over the pale face, down to the dark blank eyes. Her gaze stopped at the red line drawn across her left cheek. She reached up slowly and winced as her fingers brushed against the mark.

Her eyes widened as the screams filled her head once again. The dark kohl had smeared across her pale face and for a moment the girl in the mirror frightened her. The empty lifeless eyes, the lack of expression on her face, the detached pain the bruise was giving her. For a moment, it wasn't her reflection she was staring at, it was her ghost. The banging began again, but she paid no attention. The words in her head drowned out everything else. The song changed again. People began to shout, in worry, in fear, in panic... but the girl was too busy listenin to the voices in her head, staring into the mirror, afraid to reach out and touch it because she didn't know whether it was the glass that lay shattered or if it was just her reflection. Either way would hurt her... either way she would break. Either way, it didn't matter, because... there was no real difference between her and her reflection.

A faint smile played upon her lips as the blackness swallowed her. A little longer and she wouldn't have to bleed anymore...

He's mad at me again. We keep running in the same predictable little circles, never getting anywhere. It scares me. The whole situation. So much so, that every bone in my body is screaming at me to turn and run. As fast as possible and as far as possible. yet for some strange twisted inconceivable reason, I just don't. As I was walkin behind him today, wanting to explain, to try and make sense of this whole mess, I kept trying to say something, but the words just wouldn't come. They got twisted and lost inside. No, in fact, they simply disappeared. Burned up so completely that I didn't even have any ashes to show for my thoughts.

And I would have followed. But then what? I don't know what the point of all this is. I really really honestly don't understand. We're just causing each other and ourselves so much pain. But I can't leave. I'm tired of not understanding. I just want someone to explain to me what in the world is going on.

Sometimes, I want to pick up a rock and hit him on the head, really hard! Or just shake him till his teeth rattle. I want him to tell me what it is thats bothering him. I hate him being mad at me. And he's always mad at me. I thought I'd just avoid him coz I thought that it was the right thing to do. I thought he'd be better off if I was just gone... but weirdly enough, its like being bound. He has to tell me I have to leave, and only then will I be able to. I don't want to, but if it makes everything ok, I will...

I just don't know what to do. I don't know what'll make everything better... I don't know if anything ever will...

But last night, I was sitting there, with those shards of glass spread out before me. It was almost 5 in the morning, and then he messaged saying he had jus woken up for some strange reason... and I was so scared. I don't understand this.

I'm tired of being glass. And I'm tired of shattering...