She leaned over the gray stone sink, her dark eyes empty and unfocussed, seemingly staring at a point beyond her own distorted reflection. A sad lonely song played on in the background, but she seemed oblivious to it. Someone was banging on the fragile bathroom door. The girl didn't move. She did not even seem to hear. Silence filled the air. She kept gazing at whatever it was that only she could see. The song ended and another began... Her eyes filled up with tears...

For a while, she let them swim there and then... she blinked, a confused look flitting across her face. Suddenly, she reached up and angrily wiped away the forming tears with the sleeve of her white too-big T-shirt. As she accidentally dragged the sleeve down her face, the frown changed to a grimace. Her head snapped up to attention and she stared at the girl in the mirror as if seeing her there for the first time. Her eyes drifted over the straggly dark hair that fell over the pale face, down to the dark blank eyes. Her gaze stopped at the red line drawn across her left cheek. She reached up slowly and winced as her fingers brushed against the mark.

Her eyes widened as the screams filled her head once again. The dark kohl had smeared across her pale face and for a moment the girl in the mirror frightened her. The empty lifeless eyes, the lack of expression on her face, the detached pain the bruise was giving her. For a moment, it wasn't her reflection she was staring at, it was her ghost. The banging began again, but she paid no attention. The words in her head drowned out everything else. The song changed again. People began to shout, in worry, in fear, in panic... but the girl was too busy listenin to the voices in her head, staring into the mirror, afraid to reach out and touch it because she didn't know whether it was the glass that lay shattered or if it was just her reflection. Either way would hurt her... either way she would break. Either way, it didn't matter, because... there was no real difference between her and her reflection.

A faint smile played upon her lips as the blackness swallowed her. A little longer and she wouldn't have to bleed anymore...

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He's mad at me again. We keep running in the same predictable little circles, never getting anywhere. It scares me. The whole situation. So much so, that every bone in my body is screaming at me to turn and run. As fast as possible and as far as possible. yet for some strange twisted inconceivable reason, I just don't. As I was walkin behind him today, wanting to explain, to try and make sense of this whole mess, I kept trying to say something, but the words just wouldn't come. They got twisted and lost inside. No, in fact, they simply disappeared. Burned up so completely that I didn't even have any ashes to show for my thoughts.

And I would have followed. But then what? I don't know what the point of all this is. I really really honestly don't understand. We're just causing each other and ourselves so much pain. But I can't leave. I'm tired of not understanding. I just want someone to explain to me what in the world is going on.

Sometimes, I want to pick up a rock and hit him on the head, really hard! Or just shake him till his teeth rattle. I want him to tell me what it is thats bothering him. I hate him being mad at me. And he's always mad at me. I thought I'd just avoid him coz I thought that it was the right thing to do. I thought he'd be better off if I was just gone... but weirdly enough, its like being bound. He has to tell me I have to leave, and only then will I be able to. I don't want to, but if it makes everything ok, I will...

I just don't know what to do. I don't know what'll make everything better... I don't know if anything ever will...

But last night, I was sitting there, with those shards of glass spread out before me. It was almost 5 in the morning, and then he messaged saying he had jus woken up for some strange reason... and I was so scared. I don't understand this.

I'm tired of being glass. And I'm tired of shattering...

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What goes around does come around, ne?
I don't know if I can do this anymore... except I don't think I really have a choice...
I'll survive...
I will NOT be weak...
...
...
...

Why do you think I'm strong?
I'm not...
I can't be...
I don't want to feel...
I was better off before...
I'll go back to it... if I can...
I don't know anymore...
I'm just so very tired...
Friends?
I have enough of those...
They can't make the rain stop...
and they can't stop night from falling...
Its okay...
I don't mind...
I love the rain...
And the night is the only time I can breathe...
So...
I guess I will stand...
Things will get better...
if not today... then tomorrow...
and if not then...
well... someday they will...
I'll live for that day... whenever it may come...
*smiles*
I'm okay...
I deserve this...
For all the lies I've ever said...
for all the tears I've caused...
Don't feel sorry for me...
I don't want pity...
I just want... all this to stop...
And I'll manage it on my own...
I don't need your help... and even if I do...
I sure don't want it...
So go away...
live your life...
I don't mind... and I don't blame you...
after all...
What goes around comes around...

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I love this song...

It's... perfect...

You can make that out just from the opening itself...

Moth... by Audioslave.

12 - Moth

Thought I was different, it seems I'm just the same

As again I put my hand over the flame...

Explains everythin you ever felt but couldn't put in words...

Every single time, you think that this time, it'll be different...

This time, you won't fall...

that you won't let the same thing happen ever again...

but it always does...

Thought I was smarter as I flew into the sun

...

I don't fly around your fire anymore...

It's what you keep tellin yourself... but no matter how many times you burn, and how many times you fall, you always crawl back to the light...

Over and over...

Like a dying moth...

I love the heat, I love the things that I forgot

I love the strings that tie me down and cut me off

And it's true...

You really do...

Just like dreams you can't remember...

no matter the pain they cause...

you love them, because you know they mean that there IS an answer...

and it's not just the darkness out there...

When did the flame burn so high and get so hot...

And how didn't you notice?

The flames creeping higher and higher...

Maybe because that also meant it was getting so much brighter...

and sometimes,... chasing away the dark is worth getting burned...

Why do you stay?

Every time...

Why?

You know what happens when you get too close to the flames...

when you stay too long...

You know exactly what happens...

and yet you stay...

Why?

I wouldn't really know...

but in the end... I guess... isn't it better to burn brightly for a while than fade away slowly into the cold night?

Maybe...

just maybe...

that's why...

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Fallen and shattered
Broken once again
At my feet it lays tattered
Screamin in silent pain
It doesn't seem to mend
No matter how hard I try
I guess its coz the glue
is the tears I can't seem to cry
Its been breaking for so long
It's better gone away...
Maybe I should have used a sad song
and hoped that it stayed
Or maybe a ribbon of pain
That tied it all together
Or maybe a walk in the rain
And a promise of forever
Should I piece it back together?
All those tiny little shards
Even though I know it'll break again
Should I put back my heart?
Perhaps a dash of darkness
and a dying breath of hope
Or maybe its jus too late
and it'll stay broken forever more...

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I was wonderin why I really did cut... and well, these are all the reasons I came up with... will keep updating...

Coz I need to feel. Pain is a feeling, and I need it to tell me I'm still alive

Coz it feels like I've been havin a dream... and I jus' can't wake from it...

Coz it bothers me to see my outer skin look so whole and unbroken while I feel jus' so torn...

To bring myself back, coz I go so far away that I'm afraid that someday, I won't be able to return...

To remind myself.

Coz I can't cry

Coz its a habit

Coz I wonder how much I can really take

Coz I loathe the person I'm turnin into... or maybe hav already become...

Coz I'm afraid of losing control

Coz I prefer pain to nothingness

Coz nothin matters

To watch me heal,... even if it IS jus' on the outside...

Coz I want to remember

Coz I need to forget...

Coz I need to hurt, before rage consumes me... I'm afraid if not me, I'll jus' hurt someone else...

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Nothins okay...
And Im tired of hearin that one day it will be...
Coz that days not today
And Im tired of waiting...

Its no big deal...
I can see the moon in the distance...
If I leav soon enough I can still make it...
I dont want to look back...
Dont hold me back with your words...
Let me go...
I'll find my own way...
I dont know where im goin...
All I know is I need to get away...

I amnt goin to anyplace
I am goin away from here
I have to...
Maybe I'm headin to hell
Maybe there's nothin but pain waitin for me...
It doesnt matter
Anything is better than this nothingness
Anythin at all...
Hurt me, I beg you
Let me feel the pain...
Dont try n take the pain away
I hav nothin else with me...
Dont try to make me feel better...
Pain doesnt hurt when its all you'ver ever felt
And it feels better than nothingness...
It feels...
And I need to feel...

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.........

I dont want it.
Any of it.
This world and everythin in it.
Maybe it means I lose, but I dont really care.
Keep your world, I dont need it.

I dont want tomorrow.
I dont want yesterday.
Today's long enough by itself.
I dont want anything to do with this world.

Im so very selfish... Coz I know Im leavin soon. So very soon... yet Im lettin you stay so close...
I dont want anything...
I jus want to sleep and never wake up...
Or maybe I want to wake up from this dream thats jus gone on for too long...
Either way Im tired of dreamin...
Nothin can save me...
And I dont want saving...
Jus lemme fall...
To the very bottom
Til the very end...
Let me fall...
And I'll fade away before I hit the ground....

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Accusatory reverberations still playin in my head

All the angry harsh words u wish you’d never said

What pricks your conscience is slow certain death to me

Coz you just said them once, but I hear them echo constantly

A failure, a loser, someone you wish was gone

Good for nothin, miserable, the list goes on and on

All the names u called me by, all the things you said

I hear them over and over deep inside my head

My empty eyes mock you for they hold no fear

Maybe if u looked deep enough, you’d see the unshed tears

I guess it must be true that I’m hurting somewhere deep inside

And all I can do is hide the pain behind my empty eyes

Accusations pour forward like the stinging rain

You won’t stop till you’re sure I can feel the pain

I’ll never let you know, I’ll never let you see

Just how long your cruel words echo inside of me…

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Crystal Tears

Innocent blood, spilled again

Pure white snow forever stained

Crystal tears shatter as they fall

Drop by drop from lives so small

Silent haunting endless screams

Penetrating childish dreams

Silent crystal tears fall

Drop by drop from us all

A whispered word might be the last

Another memory in a forgotten past

No one to follow, no hand to hold

No one around in the quiet cold

Frozen memories are all that remain

As once again innocence is slain

Terrified eyes looking for someone they’ve lost

Till they too are just wandering memories in the frost…

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