10 posts tagged “rain”

48 hours of complete sobriety

To be broken tomorrow

4 cigarettes

Only...

Less than 2 hours in the library

And a weird dream when I dozed off there

Net in the room

Finally!

Drinkin plans for tomorrow

Shady local bar it is

A single credit course

On European Constitution

R & R head

A surprise

A random conversation at lunch

And for once, with someone from the same sex!

Complete notes in Consti

Thats a total 'yay'

Talk of SF

already!!! ^_^

148 pages of a case read

And about as much left...

A cut class of Landlaw

Nothing new there

Good coffee

Carried all the way from outside to our roof

Chaat at tea time (free!!!)

Go mess comm

New music

The Indelicates...

Birthday wishes

Unexpected... *smiles*

A cigarette in the rain

The best kind...

A new idea for posts when I can't think...

Thank you Mave

I think I've stabilized now... at least for a bit. The last few days have been... insane. The intensity of my thoughts during that time scares me till now... I don't know what came over me. I don't know what I was doing, or saying. And then for a while... everything shut down...

To be honest, I don't know if this state is stability... or just numbness. I feel calmer than before... but I also feel like I will be okay with whatever happens now. I don't know... The last few days were painful, undoubtedly... but everything was just so much more... real... in a very twisted way... The last few days have also been the most dreamlike days I've ever had. If I had to try and explain... I'd say they were like a reality of another world.

The weather, my thoughts... nothing was real... yet it was so important... and it made me feel... alive. but it hurt.

*laughs*

This is the worst job of putting together a post I could have ever done! But... I just can't explain what I've felt like recently... because... there has been no precedent. It's just... really strange. And unsettling. And I don't understand it one bit. It confuses me.

*shakes head*

What's wrong with me?

Tonight's going to be my 'alone time' night. A bottle of water, a bar of chocolate and music... and I'm all set for the night. It translates to a lot of thinking and a lot of writing, which means a LOT of posts. Should be a good thing considering I haven't done much of the former for a while now...

J canceled vivas but I had mine today. I told proff. that my dad was coming to town on Monday and that it would be nice if he could hold the viva today. How did it go? I dunno. And right now, the important part is that its over. Heh. -_- This sort of thinking is so gonna get me KILLED!!!

Then G.B, A.M and I went out to nags in the pouring rain in A.M's car and drank coffee. Smoked a cigarette and then came back and waited in the parkin lot for the rain to stop. Listenin to music, watching the rain, smoking... was very calming... Of course then we had to run through the rain coz A.M's sister needed the car. Lol...

I didn't smoke up. Am I proud? Glad? Retarded? lol, I dunno. Didn't feel like yesterday when I crushed that cigarette... but it still felt kinda nice. Is this a new phase? I sure hope so... I'm gettin tired of the old one. Oh, on that note, lemme type out a msg I sent to a friend today.

"You know what? I loathe what life's become. I loathe that smoking, drinking and drugs is wat everything seems to revolve around. I hate that I've now really become someone I was sure I'd never be. And I'm scared that once I stop.. I'll have nothing to replace it with. Lol, but trying's what life's all about, no? I succeeded at gettin into it. Will I make it out? That's something I'm too afraid to try now. And I dunno if its because I may fail.. Or because I may succeed"...

I walked around in the rain for a while. I love the rain. *laughs* I know, I know, I say it too many times... but I do... Like I said today... Give me endless rain and I'll give up everything else. Everything.

Today was a very sadly beautiful day. Ak and I  went to NSS for lunch. Took an auto there. Sang throughout the way (as usual). Had a Paper Masala Dosa each. Laughed at our lives. And then decided to embark upon the hunt for a rubik's cube. After a million shops and a thousand streets (pardon the exaggeration), we found one. I bought one for myself as well.

We then went to CCD, picked up an iced eskimo and a tropical iceberg and started to walk back. On the way, we bought water. I hate doing that by the way. When we were near the circle, I saw this path into the grass and turned. Ak tried to remind me about my impending viva, but I wasn't really in the mood for caring. So we walked... and walked and walked. It was beautiful. it felt great. So what if it was escapism? So what if all the beautiful things made me feel sadder? The walk was great, the path was brilliant, and we had fun!

We walked on the new flyover, cut through some weird forest and reached ammas! It was nice. Very Heidi like.

In the evening, we went to Juice junction. I bought two cigarettes. Smoked the first, lit the second and after twor drags... crushed it. It was the greatest way I've spent 4 bucks in a long time. It felt... liberating.

He's mad at me again. We keep running in the same predictable little circles, never getting anywhere. It scares me. The whole situation. So much so, that every bone in my body is screaming at me to turn and run. As fast as possible and as far as possible. yet for some strange twisted inconceivable reason, I just don't. As I was walkin behind him today, wanting to explain, to try and make sense of this whole mess, I kept trying to say something, but the words just wouldn't come. They got twisted and lost inside. No, in fact, they simply disappeared. Burned up so completely that I didn't even have any ashes to show for my thoughts.

And I would have followed. But then what? I don't know what the point of all this is. I really really honestly don't understand. We're just causing each other and ourselves so much pain. But I can't leave. I'm tired of not understanding. I just want someone to explain to me what in the world is going on.

Sometimes, I want to pick up a rock and hit him on the head, really hard! Or just shake him till his teeth rattle. I want him to tell me what it is thats bothering him. I hate him being mad at me. And he's always mad at me. I thought I'd just avoid him coz I thought that it was the right thing to do. I thought he'd be better off if I was just gone... but weirdly enough, its like being bound. He has to tell me I have to leave, and only then will I be able to. I don't want to, but if it makes everything ok, I will...

I just don't know what to do. I don't know what'll make everything better... I don't know if anything ever will...

But last night, I was sitting there, with those shards of glass spread out before me. It was almost 5 in the morning, and then he messaged saying he had jus woken up for some strange reason... and I was so scared. I don't understand this.

I'm tired of being glass. And I'm tired of shattering...

So its almost time to go home again. Home. Where is home? For the last 4 odd years, it's been the house at the end of the road. The one with the mango tree in the front yard. Opposite where the buses stop for the school... and where the children play football in the evening. Its been the house I felt relieved seeing when my fourth round of running was up... and the one I hated returning to every once in a while. It was the place where I could stand in the garden and hear my dog bark... and the place from where the arguing voices somehow reached everywhere.

Wow, in this one para, I've listed so many things I love. I'm goin to miss that place. I'm going to miss the rain falling and the water filling up in our front yard to the point where we had to wade through it all. I'm going to miss sitting outside during storms and watch lightning flash across the sky. I'm going to miss the two weird doors, where one closed on its own and the other just refused to.

I'll miss the chair my dog used to sit on and look out from dolefully when we'd be leaving to anyplace... and where she'd be sitting and barking happily as we drove back. I'll miss Estel's grave... I'll miss the flowers and the smell of real earth early in the morning.

I'm going to miss waking up early in the morning coz its my turn to walk sparky, feeling miserable about it, and just stepping outside and realizing I'd give up all my sleep to just watch the sky like that a few more times...

Yeah, I'm going to miss that place. Was it home? I don't know... but its not where I'll be going... and I'm going to miss it... a lot...

So...
Am waitin for my contracts viva. Really bored. I was supposed to read last night, but slept off sharing my bed with my laptop, a pile of clothes, my bag and well, you get the point. My back hurts. :(

How do I feel today?
Better actually. These days are just too pretty to be depressed... It was rainin yesterday... For quite a while too... It was so beautiful. If it was up to me, It would never stop raining. Then everything would be washed away.

"Here comes the rain
Washing away all the pain"

*smiles*

I think too much for my own good...

If I ever do forget, and somehow make my way back here, I just want myself to know...

"I never chose it... and if something happened to actually make me wish for such a thing... then it may have been painful enough, but I still want to remember... so don't stop looking just because you're afraid of the pain. You're stronger than that."

*laughs*

Like it wasn't bad enough talkin to myself. I'm now talking to myself in other dimensions of space and time!!!

Ah well...
May as well get back to escrow...

Cya later...

What goes around does come around, ne?
I don't know if I can do this anymore... except I don't think I really have a choice...
I'll survive...
I will NOT be weak...
...
...
...

Why do you think I'm strong?
I'm not...
I can't be...
I don't want to feel...
I was better off before...
I'll go back to it... if I can...
I don't know anymore...
I'm just so very tired...
Friends?
I have enough of those...
They can't make the rain stop...
and they can't stop night from falling...
Its okay...
I don't mind...
I love the rain...
And the night is the only time I can breathe...
So...
I guess I will stand...
Things will get better...
if not today... then tomorrow...
and if not then...
well... someday they will...
I'll live for that day... whenever it may come...
*smiles*
I'm okay...
I deserve this...
For all the lies I've ever said...
for all the tears I've caused...
Don't feel sorry for me...
I don't want pity...
I just want... all this to stop...
And I'll manage it on my own...
I don't need your help... and even if I do...
I sure don't want it...
So go away...
live your life...
I don't mind... and I don't blame you...
after all...
What goes around comes around...

And the flame asked the wind

"Is it time for me to die?"

The wind replied "Not yet my friend,

The sky is yet to cry"

"But I love the rain" said the flame,

shaking her fiery head

"Yes, Isn't that rather strange?"

the wind sadly said...

And they turned to face the sun again

But the gray clouds filled the skies

And as they stood in the fallin rain

It seemed to turn promised truth into certain lies...

Fallen and shattered
Broken once again
At my feet it lays tattered
Screamin in silent pain
It doesn't seem to mend
No matter how hard I try
I guess its coz the glue
is the tears I can't seem to cry
Its been breaking for so long
It's better gone away...
Maybe I should have used a sad song
and hoped that it stayed
Or maybe a ribbon of pain
That tied it all together
Or maybe a walk in the rain
And a promise of forever
Should I piece it back together?
All those tiny little shards
Even though I know it'll break again
Should I put back my heart?
Perhaps a dash of darkness
and a dying breath of hope
Or maybe its jus too late
and it'll stay broken forever more...