14 posts tagged “rain”

She ducked under the cold steel railing, stepped over the rusty old pipes and suddenly she was there... It was all just the same as when she had left it... but it was so much more. Wonderland... would not do justice to the magical place she had suddenly discovered. And magical it was. Like a kingdom.
No.
An entire world...

The birds flew peacefully overhead, stopping by every once in a while to dip their beaks in the warm water the oasis provided. The sky was as blue as peace and the sun shone warmly through scattered white clouds. And the trees... the trees swayed in welcome as she walked through this land.

A kingdom. Her kingdom, she thought amazed at the sheer joy that ran through her veins. Twirling around happily, she was seven again. And everything was alright with the world. But there were clouds of gloom gathering and whilst she was busy admiring this island, the first drops of sorrow rained upon her land...

She looked upward in disbelief, frozen even as the rain fell about her. And then she ran for shelter. A little cave called out to her... She would be safe here. She looked out at her once peaceful land, now screaming, alone and cold.

to be continued>>>

It was too pretty a day to be sad
So she tied a red ribbon in her hair

and she laughed

Even though the walls kept shrinking
and the roof kept crumbling

She laughed

Even as the cold rain fell
and as the darkness grew

She laughed

Even as the world began to fade
and the snow began to fall

And then
When the last one was gone
She turned
put the chairs on the tables
Locked the doors
and sat down to cry

But she could not remember how to...

She didn't know why she had to torture herself so.
'Torture' she mused, a faint smile tugging at her lips. How dramatic. But it would be the apt word. What else could you call it?
It was like watchin the cooking special on TV the night you were dying of hunger and it was too late to buy anything to eat... or like reading your ex-boyfriend's letters, or even worse, reading your own diary's account of the most painful day of your life.
Yep, she thought, combing her rain-drenched hair. Torture was the perfect word...

She wondered if he had noticed though.
She frowned slightly, hoping that was not the case. It would be terrible if he had...
After all the work she had put into this facade, it would kill her knowing one tiny gesture of comfort made it all crash to the ground...
But he had been so upset...
She shook her head, and glared at herself in the mirror.
It was all for good.
Hers and his.
She was just glad she pulled her hand away before it rested on his shoulder...
Jus glad that she pulled it away before he raised his bowed head...
Just relieved that when he looked up at her, the pain had not made the hate vanish, just dimmed it for a while...
So relieved...
and so...

Thunder sounded in the distance, shaking her out of her reverie...
She smiled at her dismal reflection and ran the brush through her hair again.
Torture....

48 hours of complete sobriety

To be broken tomorrow

4 cigarettes

Only...

Less than 2 hours in the library

And a weird dream when I dozed off there

Net in the room

Finally!

Drinkin plans for tomorrow

Shady local bar it is

A single credit course

On European Constitution

R & R head

A surprise

A random conversation at lunch

And for once, with someone from the same sex!

Complete notes in Consti

Thats a total 'yay'

Talk of SF

already!!! ^_^

148 pages of a case read

And about as much left...

A cut class of Landlaw

Nothing new there

Good coffee

Carried all the way from outside to our roof

Chaat at tea time (free!!!)

Go mess comm

New music

The Indelicates...

Birthday wishes

Unexpected... *smiles*

A cigarette in the rain

The best kind...

A new idea for posts when I can't think...

Thank you Mave

I think I've stabilized now... at least for a bit. The last few days have been... insane. The intensity of my thoughts during that time scares me till now... I don't know what came over me. I don't know what I was doing, or saying. And then for a while... everything shut down...

To be honest, I don't know if this state is stability... or just numbness. I feel calmer than before... but I also feel like I will be okay with whatever happens now. I don't know... The last few days were painful, undoubtedly... but everything was just so much more... real... in a very twisted way... The last few days have also been the most dreamlike days I've ever had. If I had to try and explain... I'd say they were like a reality of another world.

The weather, my thoughts... nothing was real... yet it was so important... and it made me feel... alive. but it hurt.

*laughs*

This is the worst job of putting together a post I could have ever done! But... I just can't explain what I've felt like recently... because... there has been no precedent. It's just... really strange. And unsettling. And I don't understand it one bit. It confuses me.

*shakes head*

What's wrong with me?

Tonight's going to be my 'alone time' night. A bottle of water, a bar of chocolate and music... and I'm all set for the night. It translates to a lot of thinking and a lot of writing, which means a LOT of posts. Should be a good thing considering I haven't done much of the former for a while now...

J canceled vivas but I had mine today. I told proff. that my dad was coming to town on Monday and that it would be nice if he could hold the viva today. How did it go? I dunno. And right now, the important part is that its over. Heh. -_- This sort of thinking is so gonna get me KILLED!!!

Then G.B, A.M and I went out to nags in the pouring rain in A.M's car and drank coffee. Smoked a cigarette and then came back and waited in the parkin lot for the rain to stop. Listenin to music, watching the rain, smoking... was very calming... Of course then we had to run through the rain coz A.M's sister needed the car. Lol...

I didn't smoke up. Am I proud? Glad? Retarded? lol, I dunno. Didn't feel like yesterday when I crushed that cigarette... but it still felt kinda nice. Is this a new phase? I sure hope so... I'm gettin tired of the old one. Oh, on that note, lemme type out a msg I sent to a friend today.

"You know what? I loathe what life's become. I loathe that smoking, drinking and drugs is wat everything seems to revolve around. I hate that I've now really become someone I was sure I'd never be. And I'm scared that once I stop.. I'll have nothing to replace it with. Lol, but trying's what life's all about, no? I succeeded at gettin into it. Will I make it out? That's something I'm too afraid to try now. And I dunno if its because I may fail.. Or because I may succeed"...

I walked around in the rain for a while. I love the rain. *laughs* I know, I know, I say it too many times... but I do... Like I said today... Give me endless rain and I'll give up everything else. Everything.

Today was a very sadly beautiful day. Ak and I  went to NSS for lunch. Took an auto there. Sang throughout the way (as usual). Had a Paper Masala Dosa each. Laughed at our lives. And then decided to embark upon the hunt for a rubik's cube. After a million shops and a thousand streets (pardon the exaggeration), we found one. I bought one for myself as well.

We then went to CCD, picked up an iced eskimo and a tropical iceberg and started to walk back. On the way, we bought water. I hate doing that by the way. When we were near the circle, I saw this path into the grass and turned. Ak tried to remind me about my impending viva, but I wasn't really in the mood for caring. So we walked... and walked and walked. It was beautiful. it felt great. So what if it was escapism? So what if all the beautiful things made me feel sadder? The walk was great, the path was brilliant, and we had fun!

We walked on the new flyover, cut through some weird forest and reached ammas! It was nice. Very Heidi like.

In the evening, we went to Juice junction. I bought two cigarettes. Smoked the first, lit the second and after twor drags... crushed it. It was the greatest way I've spent 4 bucks in a long time. It felt... liberating.

He's mad at me again. We keep running in the same predictable little circles, never getting anywhere. It scares me. The whole situation. So much so, that every bone in my body is screaming at me to turn and run. As fast as possible and as far as possible. yet for some strange twisted inconceivable reason, I just don't. As I was walkin behind him today, wanting to explain, to try and make sense of this whole mess, I kept trying to say something, but the words just wouldn't come. They got twisted and lost inside. No, in fact, they simply disappeared. Burned up so completely that I didn't even have any ashes to show for my thoughts.

And I would have followed. But then what? I don't know what the point of all this is. I really really honestly don't understand. We're just causing each other and ourselves so much pain. But I can't leave. I'm tired of not understanding. I just want someone to explain to me what in the world is going on.

Sometimes, I want to pick up a rock and hit him on the head, really hard! Or just shake him till his teeth rattle. I want him to tell me what it is thats bothering him. I hate him being mad at me. And he's always mad at me. I thought I'd just avoid him coz I thought that it was the right thing to do. I thought he'd be better off if I was just gone... but weirdly enough, its like being bound. He has to tell me I have to leave, and only then will I be able to. I don't want to, but if it makes everything ok, I will...

I just don't know what to do. I don't know what'll make everything better... I don't know if anything ever will...

But last night, I was sitting there, with those shards of glass spread out before me. It was almost 5 in the morning, and then he messaged saying he had jus woken up for some strange reason... and I was so scared. I don't understand this.

I'm tired of being glass. And I'm tired of shattering...

So its almost time to go home again. Home. Where is home? For the last 4 odd years, it's been the house at the end of the road. The one with the mango tree in the front yard. Opposite where the buses stop for the school... and where the children play football in the evening. Its been the house I felt relieved seeing when my fourth round of running was up... and the one I hated returning to every once in a while. It was the place where I could stand in the garden and hear my dog bark... and the place from where the arguing voices somehow reached everywhere.

Wow, in this one para, I've listed so many things I love. I'm goin to miss that place. I'm going to miss the rain falling and the water filling up in our front yard to the point where we had to wade through it all. I'm going to miss sitting outside during storms and watch lightning flash across the sky. I'm going to miss the two weird doors, where one closed on its own and the other just refused to.

I'll miss the chair my dog used to sit on and look out from dolefully when we'd be leaving to anyplace... and where she'd be sitting and barking happily as we drove back. I'll miss Estel's grave... I'll miss the flowers and the smell of real earth early in the morning.

I'm going to miss waking up early in the morning coz its my turn to walk sparky, feeling miserable about it, and just stepping outside and realizing I'd give up all my sleep to just watch the sky like that a few more times...

Yeah, I'm going to miss that place. Was it home? I don't know... but its not where I'll be going... and I'm going to miss it... a lot...