60 posts tagged “sad”

"May all Living beings on Earth live in Peace and Harmony"

Thats what this little wooden pendant-like thing around my neck says. My friend made her little brother send it for me from the other end of this country. Its Buddhist (She's not sure of the script) and really very pretty...

Two of my other friends got me the first book in the series of the "Buddha". Its of the Graphic Novel lot and is an amazing read, to the point that I'm sure even our History Professor would appreciate it! I must read the rest of the series!

I wish it were possible to convince people that all life is equally valuable... but our selfishness is not restricted merely to our selves. It goes on to portray what we feel about our species as a whole.

Pathetic.
Thats all we are.

I guess... I'm jus waiting for someone to prove me wrong... Its kind of odd because, in these holidays, I realized that the people I truly respected were the so-called 'selfish' ones. But then again, a word is only as good as its meaning... which is solely as good as its interpretation...

Maybe,... all this time,... I've just been using the wrong dictionary.

Peace and Harmony?..
*smiles sadly*
Yeah...
Someday...

I read this book last night. Curled up under the nice huge blanket my father bought me just about a year ago because he thought I would freeze otherwise! For almost two hours, I was away. Far away... and so I dunno if I enjoyed the book mainly because it let me be away or well... just because...

The book is called Salaam Paris. My mother had brought it here to read and I asked her to leave it behind. Its about a 19 yr old Muslim girl who has wanted to go to paris all her life but considers it to be nothing but a foolish dream. However, she DOES end up in Paris... and through a series of coincidences, becomes a model.

She lives like that for two years, declared dead by her family. And though the book itself is well written, it bothers me because of one point it just won't cease to drive home. "No matter where you are, you can always hold on to your 'culture'". Like, the kid does everything that superficially goes against her religion, but at heart she is "true" to it. Bleh. Give me a break.

People change. people always change. You won't not change just because you decide so! *sigh* It reminds me of my first conversation with my hostel mates, once again, about just a year ago. I wish I could have recorded that conversation just to play it back to them today!

You know, a part of me wonders if life would really be different if I had made a few conscious decisions right before (and after) joining this place. Would life be any different? Hell yes! Do I wish it was? ...As much as I wish I could say "No way!!!" or even "Yeah... I do"... all I can say is... "I dunno..."

Ah well... 4 more years to go.

*winks*

I played DBZ; Tenkaichi Budokai. Spent Thursday and Friday at Kiku and Kaki's place. It was a LOT of fun. It was like livin with Tina. The coolest kinda life to live! While with Tina, it was mainly the P.C, here it's the PS2. The A/C's always on, the PS2 runs over 12 hours at a time (with breaks only when the electricity decides to cut), and there's always LOADS of Ice-cream in the refrigerator. Dreamy. We played DBZ, WWE: Raw v Smack Down and Cricket 2008. Rish also showed up on Thursday night, so there were 5 of us. Although I AM the eldest, I felt like the youngest one there. Also, now all my 'baby brothers' are all over 6 feet tall!!! -_-

I also surpassed K and Rish at DBZ. Heh. My brother's still pissed at me... and since Kiku and Kaki themselves said so, he can't even say anything. *grins* But then, the thing is, those kinda games are the only ones that I'm good at. I'm not tryin to be vain, but what to do kinda comes naturally to me. In fact, normally, I don't even know how I'm doin whatever I'm doing and if I had to teach anyone, I'd absolutely SUCK! But yesterday, I consciously tried to get better. like, I played against Kiku, and that too some 7-8 games in a row, just so that I could get better. And it did help!!!

Anyhow, I had a great time. Takin pics, makin videos, playing DBZ, watchin Devil May Cry clips, eatin 'Cookies and Cream' ice-cream, beatin up Rish... All of it... Though... it kills me to know the youngest is smoking. I mean, dude, he's only what? 15??? And he's been smoking since 8th??? *sigh* But he's growing up just the way I imagined he would... and just the way I was afraid he would... *sad smile* The others? Well, apart from growin up, they're all pretty much the same. Kids man! They're only kids! Gah, this world is too fucked up for its own good!!! I'm honestly frightened at the thought of my brother growin up here! Still, there IS nothin I CAN do...

*sigh*

I finally saw Devil May Cry!!! *sigh* Now, I'm even more confused than I was before about Dante and Vergil! They're both SO frikkin COOL!

I love Dante with his 'Devil May Care' smirk (*grins* Yes yes, Pun intended). I love how he grows in just that hour long 'movie'. He is a lil flashy and yes, he does shoot his mouth off a little too much, but he does accept that... and well... he has reason too! He is so cool!!!

As for Vergil; He's cold, ruthless, uncaring and unphased. How can I not completely be in love with him??? When I was watching the clips, I couldn't really decide whether I liked him coz he just seemed power-hungry and the coldness confused me because it seemed like nothing but a tool for attaining that power. But after he fights besides Dante against Arkham, shoots Arkham with their 'jackpot' and sends his brother off without him, he rose a few million feet in my eyes. But the total ascent came when he drew out his sword against  'The Prince of Darkness'  swearing that if his father could fight him, he could and would too! *sigh* Yeah, Vergil is just amazing.

As for Dante, he kinda makes you like him. I mean, you just can't help it. He's exceptionally hot when he just finishes his fight with lady, then leans on the wall above her and quietly says "I'll take care of him..." plus, with Dante, its these tiny moments that catch you thinkin "Fuck, he IS hot!", like the time he walks towards the tower saying "Looks like you got some fun planned for me, eh Vergil?" or when he knocks the two swords (agni and Rudra) together when they commend him on his fighting saying "NO TALKING!" or when he bows his head and quietly says "Devils never cry". Also when he's fighting against Arkham along with Vergil, the 'brother effect' makes him absolutely hot. But I think the saddest ever is when he's back outside from hell and Lady asks him if he's crying and he says "It's just the rain" and Lady looks up, puts out her hand and says "... but the rain already stopped"...

You can totally draw a parallel between Vergil & Dante and Inu Yasha & Sesshomarou. Hmm, interesting. I LOVED it when Dante and Vergil fought together... And for some reason, it completely broke my heart when Dante said "Remember what we used to say?" and both of them put their guns together and shoot Arkham saying "Jackpot". It was sooo sad. It implies that there WAS a time when they were both on the same side... when they must have cared about the same things... It just kills me... *sigh* I love brothers! I think they're just the coolest thing ever. I love the awesome bond they always share. It's the coolest kinda bond in my eyes. Better than best friends, parents, sister-brother or even sister-sister. There's just something about two brothers that can't be matched by anything else. No matter how much it differs. Whoever is louder/quieter, responsible or not, cruel/kind... there's still this... something in every brother-brother relation that captivates me.

[*]- sourced off wikiquote - http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Devil_May_Cry_3:_Dante's_Awakening

It really is quite funny. Swore I wouldn't go buy vegetables these hols. Had to do that already. Swore I wouldn't meet a single law-schoolite, especially not a first year. Already met lin.

So how do I like this place? Well, I've been out the whole day. Mum, Dad and I left at around 10 in the mornin. Went to a whole lotta banks, K's school and then the mall. I HATE banks almost as much as I hate buying vegetables!!!, I'm freaked out bout K coz I can't stop thinkin about the line of ppl in Law School from his school. err... They're all really nice, but still... -_-... oooh, Hi Robert-san. err... No, I never said you were strange. heh. *nervous laugh*

Anyhow, yes, the mall! *desperately tryin to change the subject* I did buy a lot of food and clothes. *nods* I bought many tops, a shirt, a skirt and this really nice green dress. I love it. Mother did not want me to buy it, but then again, neither did she want me to buy the skirt. I guess that's what the problem is with being a don't-give-a-fuck kid. I wore whatever they got me for so long, they just can't see the fact that I AM almost 19, and once in a while, I like wearing something that isn't from their century. *shakes head* Never mind. I guess I'll always be 7 in their eyes...

Lets see. What else did I buy? Well, Pringles must be mentioned! The rest of it is just general stuff I guess. We got back at bout 1900. Oooh, I finally did have a hot dog today. *sighs dreamily* Finally!

Anyhow, the rest of the day was ok... There was a little yelling in the middle. I ran out though. Met Lin and then as I was supposed to buy vegetables and yoghurt, set off to find 'Mother Dairy'. I got lost on my way though... But to be honest, It was kinda nice. I like being lost. No... I guess... I like looking for the way. It isn't very essential that I find it, but I do love looking for it...

Am having the weird sort of sweet yoghurt that I got. Hmm... It's kinda strange, but it is yoghurt, so ^_^
Anyhow, I need a cigarette. Am goin crazy livin here. I'd say I can't wait for college to begin, but i'm not done recharging yet...

Cya later...

I.M is such a spaz. Its so much fun annoyin him! *laughs* Its a little too easy though. *grins* He'd kill me if he could read this. I was just talkin to him on gtalk. I wont be surprised if no one else on campus is awake!!! Then again, I won't be surprised if almost every one is either.

Ak, A.M and Aq have gone to Gokarna. I really wanted to go, and it kinda kills me coz B.S and I spent so much time obsessin over it... and then finally both of us didn't go. Why didn't I go? Ah, a long story... Quite simply put, I just felt like I shouldn't. At all. I don't know if its because I MUST stay here, or because I MUST not go there. I jus hope I know by the end of these two days... though I seriously do doubt it.

Today, Meg-chan, L.B and R.A went out for dinner to NSS. Then spent a lot of time (and cigarettes) at CCD. Was fun. But too many days like this, and I'll end up dying of lung cancer. She makes me want to smoke. -_-. A LOT. *sigh* But it was still fun.

Anyhow, I shall go now. Maybe watch Death Note. Hmm, lets see.

She poured out another shot and downed it. After an entire week of agonizing, she had made up her mind. She was going to go talk to him tonight, no matter what. She slipped out of the dim bar determinedly. She even had the entire conversation planned out in her head. What she would say in response to every thing he could say. She had even decided where they would talk and how she would bring about the topic. She was sick of the thoughts rattling in her head. And tired of trying to guess what he was thinking.

He stood outside on the balcony, a half forgotten cigarette dangling loosely from his lips. It was a nice night. He looked back into the house and saw the file lying on the table. An odd expression flitted across his face, and then he smiled, taking a deep drag and exhaling slowly into the cold night air. It was going to be a long night.

So, after a couple of shots of vodka, for the strength, she made her way across the busy streets towards his house. It was a pretty night. The city lights drowned out most of the stars, but the ones that she could still see were beautiful enough. She was wearing her black dress. The one she was wearing the first time they had met. She wondered if he would notice, or remember... She didn't think so... She didn't know if she wanted him to... It would be less painful if he had forgotten. She didn't know why but she wanted to see him in it, considering it was the last time she was going to see him, at least for a while.

He made his way into the house and sat down in the dimly lit room. He glanced up at the file and muttered to himself. A short laugh followed by a frown. He looked away from the table and his gaze fell upon the small box lying under a chair. Standing up, he made his way towards it, a strange look upon his face. Kneeling by the chair, he pulled out the box with slightly trembling hands. It fit in his palm, and he stared at it for a long while.

It wasn't like she wanted him back, she reminded herself. It was just that this needed to be over, and the only way she could do that was talk to him, get it out of her system. She wasn't going to cry. No matter what, she was not going to cry. A wave of dizziness washed over her and she made her way to the sidewalk where she sat down at the edge of the road, resting her head against a cool metal pole. She knew she shouldn't be drinking. Not tonight. She pulled out a cigarette and a matchbox. Unable to light it because of the way her hands were shaking, she rummaged around in her bag until she found the lighter. Click. Light. Drag. Something fluttered to the ground, and as she picked up the faded photograph, a tear finally found its way down her pale face.

It seemed like he hadn't moved for hours. He knew he shouldn't open the box. God knows he wanted to, but he couldn't. Not now. It would surely destroy him. Turning it around he traced the crack along the side of it with his thumb. He closed his eyes as if something had just stabbed him in the heart. Why tonight? Why did he have to find it tonight?? Pictures ran through his mind and his eyes shot open. No. He couldn't close his eyes right now. It made him remember. He didn't want to. Not now.

She looked up at the house. The address seemed right, though it looked as if no one was home. She walked up to the door... and suddenly, it all seemed too pointless. What was the use? She was kidding herself if she thought one conversation would actually help her. But this wasn't about her. She owed him an apology... No... She owed him an explanation. She stared at the door bell for a while, and shook her head. A rain drop fell from the skies and she turned to leave...

He stared at the box for what seemed like eternity. The cool wind told him it was about to rain. Rain. He hated the rain. He hated it because it reminded him of strawberries and long sad conversations... and because it reminded him of the last time he had seen her. Had she been crying? It was impossible to tell because of that rain... Standing up suddenly, he made his way unsteadily to the phone. Holding the receiver up to his ear, he dialed the all-to-familiar number. It had been so long, yet every digit was engraved in his memory.

She walked away quickly from the house, suddenly afraid of running into him. Her flight out of the country was in a few hours. A few more hours and she would never see him again. No, that moment passed by the last time it rained. As the water started falling faster from the skies, she looked up and smiled, glad it was raining. But, it didn't really matter anymore... This time there was no one around to hide the tears from. Making her way onto the porch of an empty house, she leaned against the pillar and slid to the ground. There was no point. None.

 An image of her in her long black dress made its way into his mind and he hung up before it connected. What could he say? There was nothing he could offer as way of explanation. The truth would only hurt more than the silence did. She couldn't know. He couldn't let her find out. The file on the table seemed to mock him. Leaning against the wall, he raised his eyes to the ceiling. There was no point. It was over.

And so the door was never opened, and the phone never answered. Simply because she never knocked... and he never called. And the faded photograph continued to fade away in a corner of the bag while the broken box continued to stay broken. And the rain continued to fall on two people halfway across the world from one another... and even though it shouldn't have mattered because there was no point... it continued to matter.

Well, first year is more or less over. Exams all done with. Ah, hopefully anyway. Anyhow, a year here IS over and no number of repeats and carries can change that bit at least! Wow, a whole entire year. It seems strange. In one way, there seems no way that a whole year could have gone by, but then again, when I look back at Spiritus, Strawberry Fields, even the New Year Party... it seems like I've been here for centuries... like I've been here forever...

So, now that an entire year is over... How do I feel? I feel... strange. It seems weird that there was actually a time when life didn't revolve around projects, exams, Zero days, Pubs, Drinking and well... all the things that meant absolutely nothing a year ago. It actually hit me today how much we've gotten used to this sort of life when one of my friends happened to remark, and rather gladly may I add, "Dude!!! No exams for a month!!!" A month??? Since when is that something to be so happy about?... but that's just it. It has really become that way. A year ago, words like "Locus", "Per se", "Stunning" were not everyday words. A year ago we didn't start talkin about "personal capacity" over dinner when someone wanted to order something no one else at the table wanted...

Have I really been swallowed up that completely by this place? I don't know. In a way, I guess I have. And, honestly, it is rather comforting. I don't really mind most days. It's... distracting. Not always in a good way, but still...

Have I changed? I don't really know, but Mave says I have... and she's the only one from school I still talk to, so I guess she has her reasons for saying so. She says that before I came here, It seemed like I at least tried to hold on to some semblance of sanity... but now, its like I don't give a fuck anymore. Is that true? I don't know...

My first trimester here was just insane. It was like a drive in a really fast car. When you don't really know where you're going, but you love the wind in your hair so much, you don't really care. The second trimester was a complete blur. I did so much, but nothing at all at the same time... The third trimester is when I actually started thinking again. Once again, I don't know if that's a good thing or not...

Its just that... I guess, up until now every time my thoughts started to bother me, I'd just pick up a bottle and then nothing really mattered. Its gotten me into a lot of trouble, but I think I needed that. What scares me is that this phase seems like the calm before the storm...

All this time... we were just pretending.
So much for my happy ending...

*laughs*

Yeah, dramatic aren't I?