20 posts tagged “scared”

In my head, it is all the same.
I can;t type properly, because it is cold... and I won;t stop shivering,,,

I could close the windows... but then the net will not work... and I'm cold enough tonight...

Who am I?

Why does this bother me so much?

I'm not an alcoholic.

Really!!!

But I'm cold... alone... and just a person on my own...

How does it matter where I'm from?

I'm afraid... coz I dunno what to say...

You were suppose to save me!
Why now?

Why?

Maybe...
Maybe, one day I'll realize the same thing he already has...
Maybe I already have, but just don't wanna face it...
The fact of the matter is, I'm fucked... and sometimes, I don't think there is any hope left...
I guess...
I guess I'll let this be my one last shot...
No.
I need to rephrase that.
This IS my last shot...
and I don't know if it will work.
Maybe it won't.
Maybe it will...
Either way, only time can tell.
Time, and the rest of us...

I'm confused again.
And suddenly so sad, but in a pleasant way... like you are after you've had a brilliant day. You know its over... Or more like... well, I can't explain. Thus the confusion...

I don't want to hurt anyone.
Especially not someone I care about.
But I do that so often... and so... I dunno what to do...

"Go with the flow"
that's what you said
Well, I hurt you too... and I'm still learning to live with that.

No matter what
This time is going to be different.
It has to be...

So... yeah.

*grins sheepishly*

What can I say dude?

It'll take me a while...
One more repeat and then its done. For now.
Lets see dude...
Lets just see...

But its fitting dude...
Pecos.
Lol... So ironic...

I don't even know him dude!
I have to stop saying dude...

I'm acting like such a girl dude!
Oh god, I'm going to kill that boi!

Stupid twins!

So do you hide your pictures of me?
Stuff them in the middle of your books
In old forgotten cartons,
And all the places she never looks?

Do you smile every time they play our song?
Or do you just close your eyes?
Do you think of farmhouses and laughter?
And cold darkening November skies?

Do you ever think of me?
And all the times that we had?
Do memories of me make you laugh?
Or do they only make you sad?

Did you ever read my letter?
The one I wrote right after we fought
I wanted you to know I was sorry
but in my pride I was caught...

Do you wonder if I still love you?
But I don't think that can be
I jus wrote this song coz, darling,
I was going through some old books you see...

Sometimes I can't take the phone ringing
Over and over, it glows
I don't want to hear your voice
I don't want to talk
Leave me alone!
So, I pretend to be asleep
Pretend to be away
Because apologizing is so much easier
than forcing inside the pain
and then maybe I can believe
You won't call again...

Sometimes the silence gets too loud
Deafening, scary, quiet
I try to shut it all out
but it makes its way in
Down to my soul
Twisting and turning like the sharpest blade
I'd scream just to destroy it
But I can't... and the silence never stops

I'm sitting in consti class right now... I know I should be paying attention... but I just can't seem to.
Law school has been full of a lot of firsts in my life... Today has been another. I just got called to attend an AA meeting. I don't need to go to one of those!
...
Do I?
...
I don't know. I don't think I do. I'm perfectly fine if I have no alcohol for a while.
Sure, I get a little irritable... but thats about it.
I don't get withdrawal symptoms...
No seizures, no fits, no sweating...
So, I can't be addicted to it, can I?

I don't know anymore...
I'm suddenly thrown into a world that has depths I can not even comprehend...
Murky depths...
Its... overwhelming. Yeah, that would be the perfect word...

I'm overwhelmed...

I can't stay in my room forever... but there's nowhere left to go...
I don't understand...
I don't know if I ever will...

I'm not afraid...
And I don't hate you...

But I'm so very scared...
and I hate you from the bottom of my heart...

*sigh*

Everything is so complicated...
and I'm the one who is always wrong...

Tell me what you want from me...
Coz I just can't tell anymore...
I keep pretending... but I'm just lost...

If this is the right thing to do... tell me... why does it feel so wrong?

I'm not fragile...
I'm just tired...
Tired of being angry...
and there's no peace left anywhere...

I don't know what to do...
This wasn't supposed to end up like this...

I'm exactly where I began... but I'm not who I was when I was here before...
And everything feels just so wrong...

I want to leave...
but I have nowhere to go...

I'll never be good enough...

and you won't ever stop the anger

I'll just sit and watch

as we yell

and fight

and then go back to pretending

Why do we pretend?

Maybe its because it makes it easier...

less painful...

or maybe its just because we don't know any other way...

Anyhow, I sit at this window

looking out

at the stars

at us

and I smile when you hold my hand

even though its only to make sure I don't fall...

Falling is ok

Its shattering that worries me

Till then

let me just watch us pretend...