I'll never be good enough...

and you won't ever stop the anger

I'll just sit and watch

as we yell

and fight

and then go back to pretending

Why do we pretend?

Maybe its because it makes it easier...

less painful...

or maybe its just because we don't know any other way...

Anyhow, I sit at this window

looking out

at the stars

at us

and I smile when you hold my hand

even though its only to make sure I don't fall...

Falling is ok

Its shattering that worries me

Till then

let me just watch us pretend...

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For the last week, I've been logging in here every day... but even after an hour of staring at the screen... I can't type out what I'm thinkin of... Maybe because I've been so blank... or is it because there are too many thoughts runnin around in my head? I don't know...

I know I was sober as I turned 19. But also that it didn't last even an hour into my birthday...
I know on my b'day, I went to Mojos with my room-mate and a senior who shares the same b'day... And that I smoked over a pack in a matter of hours...
I know I've been randomly bonding with first years... and hoping they hear at least a few words of what I say...
I know I'm carrying letters that hurt every time I look at them... but its a...proud kind of pain... *smiles* You shan't say I'm weak all that too soon next time around...
I know I have to spend three hours in the library everyday... yet I haven't started projects...
I know the alternate day plan is more or less working... but I know it isn't good enough...
I know I'm too proud to cry... but I'm scared that maybe its just that I'm too tired...

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She leaned over the gray stone sink, her dark eyes empty and unfocussed, seemingly staring at a point beyond her own distorted reflection. A sad lonely song played on in the background, but she seemed oblivious to it. Someone was banging on the fragile bathroom door. The girl didn't move. She did not even seem to hear. Silence filled the air. She kept gazing at whatever it was that only she could see. The song ended and another began... Her eyes filled up with tears...

For a while, she let them swim there and then... she blinked, a confused look flitting across her face. Suddenly, she reached up and angrily wiped away the forming tears with the sleeve of her white too-big T-shirt. As she accidentally dragged the sleeve down her face, the frown changed to a grimace. Her head snapped up to attention and she stared at the girl in the mirror as if seeing her there for the first time. Her eyes drifted over the straggly dark hair that fell over the pale face, down to the dark blank eyes. Her gaze stopped at the red line drawn across her left cheek. She reached up slowly and winced as her fingers brushed against the mark.

Her eyes widened as the screams filled her head once again. The dark kohl had smeared across her pale face and for a moment the girl in the mirror frightened her. The empty lifeless eyes, the lack of expression on her face, the detached pain the bruise was giving her. For a moment, it wasn't her reflection she was staring at, it was her ghost. The banging began again, but she paid no attention. The words in her head drowned out everything else. The song changed again. People began to shout, in worry, in fear, in panic... but the girl was too busy listenin to the voices in her head, staring into the mirror, afraid to reach out and touch it because she didn't know whether it was the glass that lay shattered or if it was just her reflection. Either way would hurt her... either way she would break. Either way, it didn't matter, because... there was no real difference between her and her reflection.

A faint smile played upon her lips as the blackness swallowed her. A little longer and she wouldn't have to bleed anymore...

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Well, first year is more or less over. Exams all done with. Ah, hopefully anyway. Anyhow, a year here IS over and no number of repeats and carries can change that bit at least! Wow, a whole entire year. It seems strange. In one way, there seems no way that a whole year could have gone by, but then again, when I look back at Spiritus, Strawberry Fields, even the New Year Party... it seems like I've been here for centuries... like I've been here forever...

So, now that an entire year is over... How do I feel? I feel... strange. It seems weird that there was actually a time when life didn't revolve around projects, exams, Zero days, Pubs, Drinking and well... all the things that meant absolutely nothing a year ago. It actually hit me today how much we've gotten used to this sort of life when one of my friends happened to remark, and rather gladly may I add, "Dude!!! No exams for a month!!!" A month??? Since when is that something to be so happy about?... but that's just it. It has really become that way. A year ago, words like "Locus", "Per se", "Stunning" were not everyday words. A year ago we didn't start talkin about "personal capacity" over dinner when someone wanted to order something no one else at the table wanted...

Have I really been swallowed up that completely by this place? I don't know. In a way, I guess I have. And, honestly, it is rather comforting. I don't really mind most days. It's... distracting. Not always in a good way, but still...

Have I changed? I don't really know, but Mave says I have... and she's the only one from school I still talk to, so I guess she has her reasons for saying so. She says that before I came here, It seemed like I at least tried to hold on to some semblance of sanity... but now, its like I don't give a fuck anymore. Is that true? I don't know...

My first trimester here was just insane. It was like a drive in a really fast car. When you don't really know where you're going, but you love the wind in your hair so much, you don't really care. The second trimester was a complete blur. I did so much, but nothing at all at the same time... The third trimester is when I actually started thinking again. Once again, I don't know if that's a good thing or not...

Its just that... I guess, up until now every time my thoughts started to bother me, I'd just pick up a bottle and then nothing really mattered. Its gotten me into a lot of trouble, but I think I needed that. What scares me is that this phase seems like the calm before the storm...

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Someday... I want to tell someone...

I hate you for what I've become. I hate the fact that I can never trust anyone ever again. Not even myself... I trusted you. How naive could I be? But I was only a child... What about you??? How could you DO something like that??? I hate you. I hate you because I can never let anyone in...

I can never tell. You swore me to silence... and all I want to do is forget. But I can't... and every time anyone gets too close... its you who makes sure I remain empty... and that I remain afraid...

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This time, everything will be alright. I'll fix it all, you'll see. At the end of this, I'll make sure every thing's fine. And I'll make sure everybody's happy. And then when they start to play my favorite song, I'll slip away. And I'll never get to hear the end, but it'll be okay... because... this time I won't have failed.

Everybody will be happy. you'll see.

And I. I will be okay.

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*click*
*light*
*drag*

heh...

At least the day dosn't begin that way...
The first of the day is usually in the second break...
even on the days I decide I won't smoke today... well, someone always wants to go..
and you go along...
company's sake...

But then, you're there so may as well, ne?
After all, there's always tmrw, right?
Except...
every tmrw is an exact repetition of today...

You know...
it wasn't supposed to be this way
*laughs*
But I guess that's what you always say, no matter how things turn out...

Is it a good thing?
That I'm really here?
I dunno...
I really don't...

It doesn't really matter, does it?,,,
Does it?,..

I dunno... too tired to think now...
Too tired...
It's been a while...
I love this...
Love everything shuttin down one by one...
Yeah, so my lungs are goin to die, but well, my liver's keepin it company...
lol, and as my 'friends' say, so is my life...
Doesn't matter...

Why though?
Most of the times, I'm ok with it...
In fact, I'm glad its this way...
I wanted this, no?
A life where I was in total control...
except...
am I?

Yeah, I'm free of people...
and the only place these thoughts find existence (other than in my head) is here...
And no one I know in real life reads themmm...
Jus online 'friends'... too far away to anythin bout it...
Exactly the way I wanted it...

So much more...
I could've had it all...
but then again in a way I guess I do...
Projects? Don't really matter, right?
Marks?
Well, not bankin too much on gettin by five yeas anyhow...
Why do I care now then?
Coz... well... No matter what...
I'll fight as long as I have to.
As long as there's an option..
It may seem like I'm losing...
but right now... stayin alive takes top priority...
and well... whatever helps me make sure I do... it's ok...
Long run?
Honestly speakin, am too worked up bout short run to care...

Someday, I'll leave it all behind...
And be everything I wanted to be...
but for now...
*click*
*light*
*drag*
I'm goin to concentrate on stayin alive...

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I shouldn't even be writin right now... especially not directly...

Am so high...

It's jus so sad, that all we seem to be livin on are pictures of each other... whether real or the ones in our head...

I jus miss reality you know?

I guess all of us try so hard to escape it, that when we finally do, we're jus too glad to really care bout what we've given up...

But I do...

I'd rather live in total fear of the real tmrw... than safe in a fake today...

I miss everythin that kept me going... before it turne out to be just these substitutions...

But that's all any of us do, no?

Replace reality with somethin fake... because artificialty is so much more perfect than reality...

There's nothin I've ever wanted more... but I guess you always feel like that bout even the substitutions...

I guess, in the end, all you can do is stop wondering what you've traded in for where you are... because this is where you are... and this is what you now are...

You can never go back... so there's no real use of regret...

Front porches... I just miss swinging... the moment of weightlessness, when nothin matters... not the ground nor the fact that you'll always only be there... stuck to the pkace you've carved out for yourself...

You can miss the ppl you got used to... but thats all you can do... you can't wish em back... not the moments... and not the people...

Who we were, will always mean so much... but it can never defeat what we are now... all we can do is get used to it... and stop complaining...

"Swing life away"

I suggest you hear this song... Thanks for the song link Mave-chan...

Thats pretty miuch all the junk I have to spew this time...

Cya later...

*smiles*

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Rage.
Sometimes I want to let her take over.
I want her to lash out.
I want her to grab that wheel and drive into the water, through the little fence-like wall, watching as he screams for me to stop.
But we won't stop.
We'll just laugh.
We'll laugh as his screams get louder.
We'll laugh as we hit the water.
We'll laugh as we sink to the very bottom, water filling up in that space, and then in his lungs.
We'll laugh while I watch him die.

But then, she'd have won...
So, I don't move.
I jus' sit and stare at nothing at all, saying little but knowing its killing her.
Thats enough for me.
It's revenge enough... for now.
It doesn't matter that in the process I'm hurting myself as well.
It's worth it... for now...

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