15 posts tagged “smoking”

I'll cry with you if I have to
I'll try and make you laugh
I'll stand by you if you feel alone
I'll be your company
I'll sit with you when you want to cry
I'll try and convince you that your life is worth living

But if you want sympathy, go somewhere else.

Don't expect me to feel sorry for you
Don't expect me to try and snatch that rope away from your hands
Don't expect me to cry because you think you can't "be strong anymore"
Don't expect me to beg you to stop hurting yourself in the ways I do to myself just so you can make a trade

I hate you when you get like this

You want to kill yourself?
You want to hurt?
You want to torture your own mind?
Lie to yourself?
Cry yourself to sleep?
Cling on?

Fine.
Go ahead and fucking do it.
Don't tell me your grand plans.

You want to die?
Then don't give me the gun to keep.
I want NO part in this.
Just leave me alone.
I need no more nightmares.

You are weak and pathetic.
And you fall further in my eyes every single day

The joker was right
Even the best of us fall
Well, you know what I've realized?
I never liked the best amongst us much anyway.

Everyone leaves.

Another one joins the ranks...

Will things be different this time?

I'd like to believe so...

I dunno anymore.

Maybe... Maybe not...

Too early to tell.

That's all.

That's all it comes down to...

What can I say?
At the end of the day... no matter what I smoke and who I hang out with...

I am still a girl.

Gah!!!

But still... wouldn't have it any other way!

She stumbled out of her room and to the sink. Splashing cold water on to her face, she looked up, big dull eyes looking into the hazy mirror. Fuck. She thought. I look as miserable as I feel. She giggled a little at that. Couldn't help it. At that moment, her phone buzzed. A message from her friends. Dinner outside or at the canteen? Eventually, she decided to go out. She had to get a drink anyway.

Luckily, her friends too wanted some alcohol. The three of them made their way to the shop at the end of the end of the road. Three quarts of some cheap old rum, some smokes and a mixer and they were set. Making their way back to the college slowly, they decided to sit at their local smoking spot (right outside college) and drink there. It was good. Felt calm.

Later on phone calls would come. Explanations would be asked for. Some would be given, some would be avoided and some would be ignored. But, for now, everything was cool. And all they had to do was not worry...and be happy...

Alcoholic? We're not alcoholic!

Did I do the right thing?

In light of recent information, I'd be likely to say "Hell, yes!" a lot quicker, if it were not for the undeniable truth that I played the largest part in bringing about the utterance of the concerned statement from this particular iindividual. (Yes Nesthead-kun, I know. No Nesthead-kun, Barvi did not tell me anything.)

I guess I should just stay clear of relationships. They just aren't made for me. Men are fine, as long as you keep them as friends. Maybe even interests, but nothing more. Never more. They... change and mutate into different creatures as soon as you start "going out" with them.

Ah, who knows? Maybe it is just me who is all twisted and wrong. But "if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy. Well I deserve nothing more than I get. Cos nothing I have is truly mine." And that, ladies and gentlemen, could not have been put better.

I guess it is all a part of growing up. And I guess things will change, but you know what? I think I should stop "guessing" and "thinking" for a while. Someone pour me a drink and pass me a light.

Let's make a scene...
^_*

She smiles at the setting sun
He gets on the train
She shivers and hides deeper in the huge blanket
He sits down next to a bunch of old men
She lights another cigarette
He goes out for a smoke
She takes another hit.
and she's out.

Goodbye...

She looked up at the streetlight.

It seemed to shine into her soul.

Giggling softly, she tried pushing the beam away, but it didn't move.

She glared at it for a while and then slowly stepped out of its range.

Twirling, she laughed, and a lone star twinkled in the distant night sky.

She took a few steps forward, still smiling, and then froze, trying to remember why she was here.

She stood still for a long time.

At the center of the crossing.

The traffic lights fascinated her, especially when they changed colors.

Colors.

She liked colors.

Didn't she?...

She blinked, and then started walking again.

It wasn't exactly a straight line, but it wasn't a drunken walk either.

She remembered she was supposed to look out for policemen, but she didn't remember why.

Was she supposed to go to them?

Hide from them?

Ask them something?

Run as fast as she could?

Confused, she lit a cigarette.

"Smoking. Always smoking." she scolded herself like she was supposed to.

No.

Wait.

Wasn't that someone else?

Another drag, and a silly smile lit her face.

And she twirled again, dark hair clashing with falling rain.

Her laughter echoed softly in empty alleys

and she went around in little circles till she couldn't breathe anymore.

Tired knees hit the wet grass as she collapsed...

and a sob escaped her throat.

"Why do you cry, fair child?" he asked

As he knelt beside the girl

"I only want my memory

Its lost somewhere in this world"

They searched far and wide, but the memory was truly lost.

And then one day, it was already time for frost

So she shooed him and his sparrows to summer

and he cursed at the maiden as she bid him farewell...

But she hates him not

neither does she love

She only needs her memories to build

her stairway to the heavens above...

Till she finds those run-away memories, she needs to make new ones

So...

She laughs at the streetlights

coz they remind her of the sun

and how it will eventually destroy her.

And that could be called a memory, couldn't it?

Wasted.
Thats what I've been the last three nights.

Sunday
Vodka and Apple juice.
My roommate and I have a long pending discussion.
Moonlight on a lifetime ago.
Chips and chocolates aid the session.
Does it solve anything? 
I'm not sure.
And importantly,
Does it matter anymore?

Monday
Its Quad party night!
A friend and I sit on the roof.
Cameras, wind, a lone star, phone conversations and a lot of laughter.
Oh yes. And Vodka, Redbull, Rum and Coke.
Go to the party.
And then out for a smoke.
Tripping is best when it doesn't end in a fall.
Even though much, you can't recall.

Tuesday
Night classes to attend.
A supposed to be ordinary boring day.
A call from a drunken friend.
Men in black, Funny conversation and add weed to taste.
A walk around and a crime to solve
A detective agency should be called.
We're here, one drunk, one stoned.
Feels so good to not be high alone!

P.S.
I missed class today. all 4 hours. Damn.
-_-

I played DBZ; Tenkaichi Budokai. Spent Thursday and Friday at Kiku and Kaki's place. It was a LOT of fun. It was like livin with Tina. The coolest kinda life to live! While with Tina, it was mainly the P.C, here it's the PS2. The A/C's always on, the PS2 runs over 12 hours at a time (with breaks only when the electricity decides to cut), and there's always LOADS of Ice-cream in the refrigerator. Dreamy. We played DBZ, WWE: Raw v Smack Down and Cricket 2008. Rish also showed up on Thursday night, so there were 5 of us. Although I AM the eldest, I felt like the youngest one there. Also, now all my 'baby brothers' are all over 6 feet tall!!! -_-

I also surpassed K and Rish at DBZ. Heh. My brother's still pissed at me... and since Kiku and Kaki themselves said so, he can't even say anything. *grins* But then, the thing is, those kinda games are the only ones that I'm good at. I'm not tryin to be vain, but what to do kinda comes naturally to me. In fact, normally, I don't even know how I'm doin whatever I'm doing and if I had to teach anyone, I'd absolutely SUCK! But yesterday, I consciously tried to get better. like, I played against Kiku, and that too some 7-8 games in a row, just so that I could get better. And it did help!!!

Anyhow, I had a great time. Takin pics, makin videos, playing DBZ, watchin Devil May Cry clips, eatin 'Cookies and Cream' ice-cream, beatin up Rish... All of it... Though... it kills me to know the youngest is smoking. I mean, dude, he's only what? 15??? And he's been smoking since 8th??? *sigh* But he's growing up just the way I imagined he would... and just the way I was afraid he would... *sad smile* The others? Well, apart from growin up, they're all pretty much the same. Kids man! They're only kids! Gah, this world is too fucked up for its own good!!! I'm honestly frightened at the thought of my brother growin up here! Still, there IS nothin I CAN do...

*sigh*