I played DBZ; Tenkaichi Budokai. Spent Thursday and Friday at Kiku and Kaki's place. It was a LOT of fun. It was like livin with Tina. The coolest kinda life to live! While with Tina, it was mainly the P.C, here it's the PS2. The A/C's always on, the PS2 runs over 12 hours at a time (with breaks only when the electricity decides to cut), and there's always LOADS of Ice-cream in the refrigerator. Dreamy. We played DBZ, WWE: Raw v Smack Down and Cricket 2008. Rish also showed up on Thursday night, so there were 5 of us. Although I AM the eldest, I felt like the youngest one there. Also, now all my 'baby brothers' are all over 6 feet tall!!! -_-
I also surpassed K and Rish at DBZ. Heh. My brother's still pissed at me... and since Kiku and Kaki themselves said so, he can't even say anything. *grins* But then, the thing is, those kinda games are the only ones that I'm good at. I'm not tryin to be vain, but what to do kinda comes naturally to me. In fact, normally, I don't even know how I'm doin whatever I'm doing and if I had to teach anyone, I'd absolutely SUCK! But yesterday, I consciously tried to get better. like, I played against Kiku, and that too some 7-8 games in a row, just so that I could get better. And it did help!!!
Anyhow, I had a great time. Takin pics, makin videos, playing DBZ, watchin Devil May Cry clips, eatin 'Cookies and Cream' ice-cream, beatin up Rish... All of it... Though... it kills me to know the youngest is smoking. I mean, dude, he's only what? 15??? And he's been smoking since 8th??? *sigh* But he's growing up just the way I imagined he would... and just the way I was afraid he would... *sad smile* The others? Well, apart from growin up, they're all pretty much the same. Kids man! They're only kids! Gah, this world is too fucked up for its own good!!! I'm honestly frightened at the thought of my brother growin up here! Still, there IS nothin I CAN do...
*sigh*
Yay! My 'social life' LIVES again!!! Muhahahahaha!! ^^
Today, Lin, An.K and I had gone shopping, and for once in my life I wasn't just the bag-holder, clothes-picking helper; I actually bought a lot of stuff myself! Now THAT is news! Lol. Other than that, today was fun. We had momos for lunch (finally) along with Thupka. Both veg since An.K's veg, but it was too hot to eat meat anyway. Also, I finally smoked today. Oh my GOD, I can't even describe what a relief it was! Ooooh, separate post about that comin up! ^_^
Lin's cousin brother picked us up and dropped us. She met my parents and now I'm hoping they'll let me go out tmrw. Cafe Morisson. It'll be soooooooooo much fun!!! C.R will be dropping us back at nite. (He was supposed to show up today as well, but didn't.) E-san will be there too! ^_^
Anyhow, after spendin a lil bit of time here, Lin and I went to 'Spice mall' where we met E-san and V.V. Had lotsa coffee, after which E-san and I dropped Lin home. It's not that bad meetin Law-schoolites outside college. I honestly don't see why everyone makes so big a deal about it! Ah well, I guess its annoying if you have plans with non-law schoolites and you keep runnin into em. I dunno...
Anyhow, I shall now return to ODing on chocolates! ^_^
Tonight's going to be my 'alone time' night. A bottle of water, a bar of chocolate and music... and I'm all set for the night. It translates to a lot of thinking and a lot of writing, which means a LOT of posts. Should be a good thing considering I haven't done much of the former for a while now...
J canceled vivas but I had mine today. I told proff. that my dad was coming to town on Monday and that it would be nice if he could hold the viva today. How did it go? I dunno. And right now, the important part is that its over. Heh. -_- This sort of thinking is so gonna get me KILLED!!!
Then G.B, A.M and I went out to nags in the pouring rain in A.M's car and drank coffee. Smoked a cigarette and then came back and waited in the parkin lot for the rain to stop. Listenin to music, watching the rain, smoking... was very calming... Of course then we had to run through the rain coz A.M's sister needed the car. Lol...
I didn't smoke up. Am I proud? Glad? Retarded? lol, I dunno. Didn't feel like yesterday when I crushed that cigarette... but it still felt kinda nice. Is this a new phase? I sure hope so... I'm gettin tired of the old one. Oh, on that note, lemme type out a msg I sent to a friend today.
"You know what? I loathe what life's become. I loathe that smoking, drinking and drugs is wat everything seems to revolve around. I hate that I've now really become someone I was sure I'd never be. And I'm scared that once I stop.. I'll have nothing to replace it with. Lol, but trying's what life's all about, no? I succeeded at gettin into it. Will I make it out? That's something I'm too afraid to try now. And I dunno if its because I may fail.. Or because I may succeed"...
I walked around in the rain for a while. I love the rain. *laughs* I know, I know, I say it too many times... but I do... Like I said today... Give me endless rain and I'll give up everything else. Everything.
Am sitting outside the socio prof's room. 6 of us are waiting here for the vivas. I think I'm up next. I like these people. Its a very 'chill' crowd, if I may use that term. I should be readin up, but I just don't feel like.
Someone just passed me a roach. Should I? Should I not? I don't know... And Ak's out for the night as well... Okay then, guess its decision time...
Ak, E.S and I went to Polar Bear for lunch. It was fun. Kinda random, but then, what the heck. i can take random... Today morning was pretty bad. I missed the first hour and slept instead. It was weird coz I kept passin in and out of sleep. Everytime I woke up it was a different feeling. Dreams merged with reality... Once I woke up devastated, only to realize... that nothing had really happened. But it was much worse when I woke up believing everything had been sorted out... to find that nothing had changed...
Depressing messaging all the way into the next two hours... after which, somehow things sorted themselves out... At least temporarily.
I can take complicated. And I can live with hazy boundaries.
*click*
*light*
*drag*
heh...
At least the day dosn't begin that way...
The first of the day is usually in the second break...
even on the days I decide I won't smoke today... well, someone always wants to go..
and you go along...
company's sake...
But then, you're there so may as well, ne?
After all, there's always tmrw, right?
Except...
every tmrw is an exact repetition of today...
You know...
it wasn't supposed to be this way
*laughs*
But I guess that's what you always say, no matter how things turn out...
Is it a good thing?
That I'm really here?
I dunno...
I really don't...
It doesn't really matter, does it?,,,
Does it?,..
I dunno... too tired to think now...
Too tired...
It's been a while...
I love this...
Love everything shuttin down one by one...
Yeah, so my lungs are goin to die, but well, my liver's keepin it company...
lol, and as my 'friends' say, so is my life...
Doesn't matter...
Why though?
Most of the times, I'm ok with it...
In fact, I'm glad its this way...
I wanted this, no?
A life where I was in total control...
except...
am I?
Yeah, I'm free of people...
and the only place these thoughts find existence (other than in my head) is here...
And no one I know in real life reads themmm...
Jus online 'friends'... too far away to anythin bout it...
Exactly the way I wanted it...
So much more...
I could've had it all...
but then again in a way I guess I do...
Projects? Don't really matter, right?
Marks?
Well, not bankin too much on gettin by five yeas anyhow...
Why do I care now then?
Coz... well... No matter what...
I'll fight as long as I have to.
As long as there's an option..
It may seem like I'm losing...
but right now... stayin alive takes top priority...
and well... whatever helps me make sure I do... it's ok...
Long run?
Honestly speakin, am too worked up bout short run to care...
Someday, I'll leave it all behind...
And be everything I wanted to be...
but for now...
*click*
*light*
*drag*
I'm goin to concentrate on stayin alive...
Smoking is bad for you.
Right after I make this statement, people always do one of the following things
-Stare at me pointedly
-Launch into a lecture that makes me regret making that simple factual sentence.
-Swallow hard and try not to launch into a lecture, but do so anyway.
-Shake their heads in a puzzled sort of way that reminds me of my dog on holiday mornings when I’m awake before lunch.
The first three I ignore, the last I giggle at.
I’ve tried to explain the whole situation too many times.
Yes, I know its bad for me.
No, I don’t want to be coughing up blood at 25.
And maybe it will kill me.
But look at it this way.
What if, at 24 years and 364 days, I get run over by a bus, fall off the roof, get struck by lightning, drown or get abducted by aliens and used as a case study for a research paper on Homo sapiens? All of these, being equally likely, except maybe the last one. (But then again, you never know…)
How, do you think, that would make me feel? Pointless question, if I use the assumption that dead people don’t feel, but nonetheless… How do you think I would feel?
I shall tell you. I would feel clean, healthy, and my lungs would not be screaming in agony… but most importantly, I would feel dead! And once you feel that, well, let’s just say none of the other things seem to matter much anymore.
Of course, I am not denying that it is equally likely that I do live to see my 25th b’day. But if I do, I’ll think of something then…
Till then, do me a favour and do the puzzled-head-shake thing again… I miss my dog.
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