3 posts tagged “suicidal”

*click*
*light*
*drag*

heh...

At least the day dosn't begin that way...
The first of the day is usually in the second break...
even on the days I decide I won't smoke today... well, someone always wants to go..
and you go along...
company's sake...

But then, you're there so may as well, ne?
After all, there's always tmrw, right?
Except...
every tmrw is an exact repetition of today...

You know...
it wasn't supposed to be this way
*laughs*
But I guess that's what you always say, no matter how things turn out...

Is it a good thing?
That I'm really here?
I dunno...
I really don't...

It doesn't really matter, does it?,,,
Does it?,..

I dunno... too tired to think now...
Too tired...
It's been a while...
I love this...
Love everything shuttin down one by one...
Yeah, so my lungs are goin to die, but well, my liver's keepin it company...
lol, and as my 'friends' say, so is my life...
Doesn't matter...

Why though?
Most of the times, I'm ok with it...
In fact, I'm glad its this way...
I wanted this, no?
A life where I was in total control...
except...
am I?

Yeah, I'm free of people...
and the only place these thoughts find existence (other than in my head) is here...
And no one I know in real life reads themmm...
Jus online 'friends'... too far away to anythin bout it...
Exactly the way I wanted it...

So much more...
I could've had it all...
but then again in a way I guess I do...
Projects? Don't really matter, right?
Marks?
Well, not bankin too much on gettin by five yeas anyhow...
Why do I care now then?
Coz... well... No matter what...
I'll fight as long as I have to.
As long as there's an option..
It may seem like I'm losing...
but right now... stayin alive takes top priority...
and well... whatever helps me make sure I do... it's ok...
Long run?
Honestly speakin, am too worked up bout short run to care...

Someday, I'll leave it all behind...
And be everything I wanted to be...
but for now...
*click*
*light*
*drag*
I'm goin to concentrate on stayin alive...

I'm so so tired.
So very tired.
Tell me, whats the point of it all?...

Its been almost four years... I should have died that nite... I shouldn't have survived...
Sometimes I think that the reason everything is jus so... fucked up... is coz I lived... I cant help but think I was meant to die that day...

How different would things be?...
If I had taken my life that nite...?
And how different would life be if I had never existed...?
Thats all I want to know...
I know I've caused pain here... I jus need to know the extent of the pain...

Atonement...
Thats what this is supposed to be...
But all I do is cause more pain...
More n more...
Who does it help?
My existence?...

I dont need it anymore...
I dont want it...

STOP TRYIN TO SAVE ME...
Let me stay on this tower of ice...
Its cold but I need to be here to survive...
Its the only thing that can contain me... till it's time...

The snow wont stop fallin...
But I dont mind..
It seems so fresh, so pure...
so... untainted...

I should have left...
I shouldnt hav got this "second chance"
I dont want it...
But now, Im cursed to stay...
I'll stay n hold ur hand through the dark...
If you promise not to miss me...
When I leave...
I have no reason to stay...
But Im cursed...
Cursed to exist till the last flake falls...
Till its almost dawn...
And then when the sun's rising...
and the cold's melting away...
I'll look into the sun....
And I'll fade away...
along wid the stars...
and along with the snow..
till all thats left behind with you..
is the sun rising in the sky...
a puddle of cold water slowly warming on the ground
where my tower once stood tall in the snow...
and the memory of a dream...
where all was dark... but I cud stay...
Im sorry but its time... I will fade away...

I never intended it to be this way...
Or maybe thats a lie
Maybe this is exactly where I knew I would be...
But there was nowhere to turn
Nowhere at all

I hate this place
and hate kills me...
I hate them all
Everyone in this world...
Im sorry...

I shouldnt hav come this far
I knew
I knew all along
That in the end, there was nothin but the sheer drop
Yet I kept climbin
And now Im at the top
And it feels like the end
The sun shines on, clueless
Not knowin that here Im ending, dying, fadin away
Or maybe its jus tryin to warm the last few minutes of my life...
Either way, it doesnt matter...
Nothin really does...
Im so high up,
my life lies below me
On the endless twistin and turnin road that led me here
And I see nothin but a story of uselessness
I've come too far to go back...
and I dont think I remember where to go back to anyway
And there is nothin ahead of me...
Except more of this nothingness
And Im tired of nothingness...

So I stand at the very edge
and watch as the sun rises as I begin to end...
It would hav been nice if I could hav felt its warmth one last time...
One first time...
Tel me what its like
To not be so cold...
I do not know...
and Im tired of tryin to find out...
I want nothin now...
The wind plays with my hair...
tellin me not to give up yet...
a message from the sun perhaps...
"I amnt givin up" I whisper back
"Im gettin out"
"Gettin away"...
The wind rages now "You're runnin away"
"Coward"
"Weak"
...
I smile at the sun
"No, Not runnin away..."
Walkin away...