Well, first year is more or less over. Exams all done with. Ah, hopefully anyway. Anyhow, a year here IS over and no number of repeats and carries can change that bit at least! Wow, a whole entire year. It seems strange. In one way, there seems no way that a whole year could have gone by, but then again, when I look back at Spiritus, Strawberry Fields, even the New Year Party... it seems like I've been here for centuries... like I've been here forever...
So, now that an entire year is over... How do I feel? I feel... strange. It seems weird that there was actually a time when life didn't revolve around projects, exams, Zero days, Pubs, Drinking and well... all the things that meant absolutely nothing a year ago. It actually hit me today how much we've gotten used to this sort of life when one of my friends happened to remark, and rather gladly may I add, "Dude!!! No exams for a month!!!" A month??? Since when is that something to be so happy about?... but that's just it. It has really become that way. A year ago, words like "Locus", "Per se", "Stunning" were not everyday words. A year ago we didn't start talkin about "personal capacity" over dinner when someone wanted to order something no one else at the table wanted...
Have I really been swallowed up that completely by this place? I don't know. In a way, I guess I have. And, honestly, it is rather comforting. I don't really mind most days. It's... distracting. Not always in a good way, but still...
Have I changed? I don't really know, but Mave says I have... and she's the only one from school I still talk to, so I guess she has her reasons for saying so. She says that before I came here, It seemed like I at least tried to hold on to some semblance of sanity... but now, its like I don't give a fuck anymore. Is that true? I don't know...
My first trimester here was just insane. It was like a drive in a really fast car. When you don't really know where you're going, but you love the wind in your hair so much, you don't really care. The second trimester was a complete blur. I did so much, but nothing at all at the same time... The third trimester is when I actually started thinking again. Once again, I don't know if that's a good thing or not...
Its just that... I guess, up until now every time my thoughts started to bother me, I'd just pick up a bottle and then nothing really mattered. Its gotten me into a lot of trouble, but I think I needed that. What scares me is that this phase seems like the calm before the storm...
]]>Am sitting outside the socio prof's room. 6 of us are waiting here for the vivas. I think I'm up next. I like these people. Its a very 'chill' crowd, if I may use that term. I should be readin up, but I just don't feel like.
Someone just passed me a roach. Should I? Should I not? I don't know... And Ak's out for the night as well... Okay then, guess its decision time...
Ak, E.S and I went to Polar Bear for lunch. It was fun. Kinda random, but then, what the heck. i can take random... Today morning was pretty bad. I missed the first hour and slept instead. It was weird coz I kept passin in and out of sleep. Everytime I woke up it was a different feeling. Dreams merged with reality... Once I woke up devastated, only to realize... that nothing had really happened. But it was much worse when I woke up believing everything had been sorted out... to find that nothing had changed...
Depressing messaging all the way into the next two hours... after which, somehow things sorted themselves out... At least temporarily.
I can take complicated. And I can live with hazy boundaries.
Where have I come from? Where will I go?
A thought that wont leave me alone…
Did someone love me? Did someone care?
Or was I jus trapped in another nightmare?
Was I someone’s hope? Someone’s sun?
Is someone still waiting for me to return?
Or am I jus an old forgotten story?
Another shadow in some distant memory…
What fate awaits me ahead?
Will I find peace before impending death?
Or am I cursed to an eternal half-slumber?
Unable to move on, unable to remember…
My path is covered in fog and mist
But I hav things to do, long is the list
Step by step I start walking
Ignoring the voice of my heart, mocking
Where have I come from? Where will I go?
… I guess its jus not for me to know…