19 posts tagged “tired”

I'm exhausted...

But I am not going to sleep. I don't want to.

There's something really strange going on.

Can't explain right now. Will soon enough.

Never thought I'd say this but... I don't want to fall asleep...

So... I slept today. To those of you who do not know me, or who have not been following this blog for a while, this sentence would appear arbitrary and pointless. The others however, should be able to grasp the significance. Not only did I sleep in the afternoon, I slept for 5 hours straight!

I also ate. Quite a lot.

These... incidents(?) would not really bother me if it were not with the tiredness and appetite respectively. I'm also slightly annoyed because I keep waking up when I'm dreaming about confessional conversations. And every single time, I wake up right before the person across the table/rock/room is about to tell me what's weighing so heavily on his/her mind. Yeah, it isn't the same person every time either. And the funniest thing is, though I feel undoubtedly annoyed at the jerk who wakes me up, I also feel very relieved. Like I don't want to know what they clearly want me to. Hmmm, oh well... Absorb, reflect and forget.

I look into your eyes
waiting for a sign...
for a trace, a shred of memory
of what you'd left behind

Instead I see just darkness
Staring out at us all
A smile that reveals just as much
as an empty dilapidated wall

Where did your laugh go?
That never failed to make me smile
Where did your strength go?
That kept us going all this while

I turn away, tired of waiting
and I want to walk away
I don't know how to tell you
you haunt me night and day

But a step is all I can take
Before you quietly say my name
and suddenly I'm back to the day we met
and everything is the same

I tried so hard to catch you
But all I could do was watch you fall
Now I turn around again
How can I walk away when my name you call?

My first Carry...

Damn it.
I really didn't wanna cross this one line, you know?
But I guess if you ricochet off walls without any real control, sooner or later you are gonna fly out the window...

*smiles sadly*

I haven't told my parents yet. I guess I'll just break consti and land laws news along with history. Why give 'em three heart-attacks when one would be fine??

I spent over 5 hours at Pecos yesterday. It was fun. A-kun left yesterday... It was quite sad. I felt horrible. Vash has gone off too. For a week. I suppose I could finish projects. Besides, SF is almost here. *tired smile*

Another Saturday night spent outside. This is becoming a habit. Oh well, I'm only gonna be 19 once, ne?

I saw 'Remember the Titans' yesterday. It is simply a stunning movie. The Ramifications and implications of this movie hit me deeper than they did the last time. It kept reminding me of "To Kill a Mockingbird". The ease with which everyone accepts that this is how it has always been and thus always will be. Quite scary...

Anyhow, I'm quite numb right now. I really don't want 7 courses in third year's first trimester... I think I shall go read or something. Maybe get some sleep...

Another trimester.
Over. Done with. Survived. Lived through.
I wanted this trimester to end. I hated so much of it.
And now it's over.

How do I feel?
I feel... lost for words.
I feel...
Inadequate.
Incomplete.
Like I've failed.
Cowardly.
Sad.
Tired
young
old

This trimester did teach me a lot. And I did a lot of things I never thought I would

- Read the book about Nehru
- Drank about 19 mugs of beer at Pecos
- Was invited to an AA meeting
- Went 11 days without a drop
- Spent a lot of time with myself
- Mailed Seth
- Finished the rpg that's been going on for over a year.
- Spoke to Zach very often
- Moved on
- Almost fell off the roof

This post was supposed to be about my lazy sunday, how its over and how dismal it makes me feel. Maybe I would have thrown in the part about cutting my hair by candlelight because there was no electricity and I was just that bored. Perhaps I would have even talked about how I spent nearly an hour with the firt years at the barbed wire, but I just chanced upon this group on facebook, and my curiousity and blood have begun to boil.

Well, if curiousity can boil, that is...

"Lets see if we can get 1,000,000 Hindu's yeahhh!!!"

*sigh*

I don't even know what to say. When will this end?

And if that wasn't enough, I next saw a group called "GODSEGIRI-Acts Of Shri Shri Nathuram Godse".

There's a reason curiousity killed the cat.

This is what the group says:

"For how many days shall hindus stand as meek observers to all that is happening in THEIR country ? Why do hindus live in fear of a minority in THEIR OWN country?

Enough is enough."

And it proceeds to say

"Hindutva is not hatred for other religions. Hindutva is a way of leading life as a Hindu with tolerance and respect for others. It is the oldest religion growing at tremendous pace.

Dont submit your minds to the PSEUDO SECULARISTS. Be a proud hindu and say with pride that you are a hindu."

The old me would have just sighed, shook her head in exasperation and moved on. But I can't explain how sick and tired I am of maniacal fanaticism everywhere I look. I know I should just forget it and stop giving these people any attention, but I can't help it.

What do they want? A country full of "hindus"? What does that even mean? What would it achieve?

Its people like this who make me wish I could have truly been born religion-less.

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the religion itself. But I sure as hell have something against the kind of people "belonging" to any religion and believing that it actually matters.

How?

This reminds me of the time I was in St. T. and those girls made a circle around me asking me "what my religion" was and "what kind of Christian" I was.

I'm sick of the word itself.

Religion.

I wish I could erase it from the very memories of humanity.

*sigh*

I know it has its own purpose. I know gods are more often than not just memories of mortals who were heroes once upon a time. And I'm sure they deserve to be remembered...

But at what cost?

I need to sleep. I very desperately need to do so... The last few nights, I have been sleeping as the sun rises and still waking up for the class. In case of the latter, I have no option, due to my dismal attendance record, But I am well and truly tired of trying to fall asleep!!!

Sheep jump too fast, numbers go on too long, Stories become sagas. Gah!!!

Spoke to New Kid on the Block today. Had some Green Apple too. Can't believe I haven't smoked since iRock... I love combined effects. Now however I need to sleep, as I have already stated earlier. I don't quite know what I'm saying. Too sleepy...

Anyhow, todays been an overall "good" day.

Goodbyes to the newly-old
Greetings to the old
And listening to the young

Friends? Acquaintances? Juniors? Seniors? Batchmates? I'm sick of descriptions dude. I think I'm just going to go crash...

cya

You lie
I have no right to the truth
I lie
and you have no right to the truth
You yell
and I yell back
I yell
and you yell back
and then we laugh
You cry
and I tell you its going to be ok
I cry
and you tell me everything will be fine

You lie
and I stab you with words
I lie
and you don't know
You yell
and I yell back
I yell
and then shut down
You don't cry
...
I don't cry
...

I can't stay in my room forever... but there's nowhere left to go...
I don't understand...
I don't know if I ever will...

I'm not afraid...
And I don't hate you...

But I'm so very scared...
and I hate you from the bottom of my heart...

*sigh*

Everything is so complicated...
and I'm the one who is always wrong...

Tell me what you want from me...
Coz I just can't tell anymore...
I keep pretending... but I'm just lost...

If this is the right thing to do... tell me... why does it feel so wrong?

I'm not fragile...
I'm just tired...
Tired of being angry...
and there's no peace left anywhere...

I don't know what to do...
This wasn't supposed to end up like this...

I'm exactly where I began... but I'm not who I was when I was here before...
And everything feels just so wrong...

I want to leave...
but I have nowhere to go...

I'll never be good enough...

and you won't ever stop the anger

I'll just sit and watch

as we yell

and fight

and then go back to pretending

Why do we pretend?

Maybe its because it makes it easier...

less painful...

or maybe its just because we don't know any other way...

Anyhow, I sit at this window

looking out

at the stars

at us

and I smile when you hold my hand

even though its only to make sure I don't fall...

Falling is ok

Its shattering that worries me

Till then

let me just watch us pretend...