I actually get tired of people who can't ever find anything nice to say about anyone. They try so hard to make sure they aren't taken in by popular belief that they end up caring more than they should bout what people think.
It's very paradoxical, not to mention confusing.
And its annoying.

Don't judge me when you don't know me.
I hate sittin and listening as they go on and on about every single person, as if running through a list, and give reasons why they're pathetic people... I just think that kinda talkin makes you really pathetic. It IS annoying. Its always annoyed me...

I'm just glad that I can still get annoyed like this. Lol. I thought I was immune to it! Its nice knowing I'm not completely... not yet anyway, so YAY! ^_^

Apart from that bit of ranting, I had my viva today. apparently a large bit of it was cogged. The part S.G was supposed to do. My friends want me to go talk to sir or something... but I just can't. *sigh* It just doesn't seem like the right thing to do... I dunno. Brilliant. Now, it's definitely gonna be all 4 courses!

Gah!!!

Which reminds me, must go back to studyin Consti. Bah. Why can't these ppl write shorter articles. God, I havn't read a single case yet and I don't even know how many are coming this time. Luckily I'd read a bit of Tomkins before, so that's done. I don't feel like reading Barendt... Oh my, I sound like such a nerd!!!
-_-

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*laughs*
Am back to this song...
Well, it has been a while...
Has anything changed?
...

Ecstacy is now really all I need...
Literally...
And it's all I have...
Vain? Am I vain?... I dunno...
Now my world IS way too fast...
I don't even know where its going. Which direction... if there's any direction at all.
It's all just a haze... a blur...
None of it is real... and it doesn't matter whether it is or not, coz either way... none of it is going to last...

In love?
Why would you be in love with me?
*shakes head*
It's a mistake.
And its not true that I don't care...
*smiles sadly*
That's why I run away...
I don't wanna hurt you...

My anger into lust?
I don't even think thats possible... and even if it is.. I don't know how to...
I do trust you...
With my life... just not with my soul...

Don't wait for me...
Love?
Isn't there...
Sex
Can't be there unless there's love...
loneliness
...
Why would I take that from you?
...

Don't ask me to take what I want...
I don't know what I want...
GO AWAY!

You can't be in love with sins...
Not mine.
Not anyone's...
Stop waiting...
...

I don't fear desire... Do I?
*shakes head*
I do...
It'll consume us all...
I must leave...
Don't love me...
I can't take this anymore...
I am drowning...
I WON'T take you down with me...
My bitter pills are all that stay... all that I allow to stay...

Am I all or not?
I don't think I know the difference anymore..
...
...

*smiles*
Yeah, you're right...
The only reason you would stay is if you were blind...
Don't wait darling...
I'm long gone..
and even if I was to stay...
you'd leave, ne?

Then...
I guess there really is no point...
...
...
...

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Why can’t people just mind their own business?

It’s so totally PISSING off.

-_-

No, I don’t care what you say.

How hard is it to understand that?

We may be friends, but you have no right to tell me what to do and who to talk to.

I don’t give a f*ck if it IS jus coz you’re “worried”

Butt out bitch.

-_-

Sorry

Just really really ticked off right now

Should’ve just whacked her head off with the kendo stick

-_-

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I love this song...

It's... perfect...

You can make that out just from the opening itself...

Moth... by Audioslave.

12 - Moth

Thought I was different, it seems I'm just the same

As again I put my hand over the flame...

Explains everythin you ever felt but couldn't put in words...

Every single time, you think that this time, it'll be different...

This time, you won't fall...

that you won't let the same thing happen ever again...

but it always does...

Thought I was smarter as I flew into the sun

...

I don't fly around your fire anymore...

It's what you keep tellin yourself... but no matter how many times you burn, and how many times you fall, you always crawl back to the light...

Over and over...

Like a dying moth...

I love the heat, I love the things that I forgot

I love the strings that tie me down and cut me off

And it's true...

You really do...

Just like dreams you can't remember...

no matter the pain they cause...

you love them, because you know they mean that there IS an answer...

and it's not just the darkness out there...

When did the flame burn so high and get so hot...

And how didn't you notice?

The flames creeping higher and higher...

Maybe because that also meant it was getting so much brighter...

and sometimes,... chasing away the dark is worth getting burned...

Why do you stay?

Every time...

Why?

You know what happens when you get too close to the flames...

when you stay too long...

You know exactly what happens...

and yet you stay...

Why?

I wouldn't really know...

but in the end... I guess... isn't it better to burn brightly for a while than fade away slowly into the cold night?

Maybe...

just maybe...

that's why...

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 I havn’t slept for over 35 hours. The exams ended yesterday. Had the quad party las’ nite. Managed to get some vanilla vodka by swearing I’d dance. -_-. I hate dancing… but it really isn’t that bad once you’re high… even if jus’ slightly high… I guess you could say las’ nite was… fun... I didn’t think… well, not much anyway. Bliss.

    My roommate and I spent the entire evening cursin the world and all the people in it. Fun. Then we went back to our room and played a mad playlist, including Audioslave, AlterBridge and the Pussy Cat Dolls. O_O. Then we cleaned our entire room, washed clothes and spoke to a million different people who called. I spoke to Mave for almost an hour!!! That was around 0430 hours. Then, Ak n I decided to go for a walk. We ran around the entire campus with 4 dogs following us. Was fun… 

 The dogs… Apparently, they’ve all been taken away. Well, almost all. I dunno where Milo is. Havn’t seen him… Spaz is gone for sure… He bit V.N.
 

UPDATE:

Milo’s still here!!!

And Spaz is as well… which is actually kinda shady because he’s the main reason everyone’s so pissed off at all the dogs and they’ve all been sent away and he’s still here… I mean, I don’t want any of em to hav to go… but if it’s a choice between Spaz- whose very much responsible for the chaos- and all the others, I think Spaz should’ve gone…
 

I wasn’t even there when they took  all the dogs away… I was out. Away. I should have been there… I could have helped them,… I could have done something… *sad smile* Batman of the future… Once again, I find myself saying those words… Its been a while though…
 

A.? was helping me out wid a virus today and he asked me to show him my wrists… *smiles vaguely* Weird… I almost went ahead with it in the morning… Only reason I stopped was coz I was too sleepy and knew that the new blade was too sharp…

*smiles again* Lucky me…

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I stand here beside you

and I bleed.

Slowly I die, slowly I fade,

and I forget to breathe.

You laugh and talk and love and smile,

while I try not to fall,

And wait for you to look my way

Instead of waitin for me to call...

With every drop that leaves my soul,

It gets harder to breathe.

I grow so tired, I grow so cold,

And all the time I bleed.

You finally look my way,

And ask if I'm alright.

I smile and tell you I'm okay,

And break further inside

She says I'll be fine,

And I remind myself to breathe

You walk away waving goodbye

While I stay behind to bleed...

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   Jus' returned from a squadron party... Well... I left for the party exactly an hour ago, n I'm back already, so you can guess how much 'fun' it was! -_-. Never been too fond of those parties... Well, unless we're talkin bout the sqdn ones we used to have way back, when I was in the 5th grade or somethin... Those were Awesome!!! All us kids would convince our dads to let us board the aircrafts and we'd pretend we were all out on some wacked-out mission to save the world... Yep, fun times...

   Sadly, now my dad's doin the year with CG so the parties aren't that often... and there really aren't any people my age. Grown-up artifice is not really my thing. I'd much rather sit here in front of the p.c typin away, or in my room listenin to music... Darn it, I need to get a faster connection so that I can actually play some games online. *sighs deeply*

   Anyway, I was barely at the party 15 mins!!! Matt, Aj n Anne were all there to eat dinner in the dining hall. I ate the ice-cream and left (Gah, mum n dad made me say 'good bye' to those people whose farewell party it really was. -_-.). Walked out of the booked room and straight into the hall. Sat at Matt n Aj's table and said "feed me". Heh, jus earlier today they were goin on bout how sick and deathly (*ahem ahem* -_-) I've been lookin, so Matt puts the bowl of soup in front of me and says "You do look like you need it". Then Matt jus kept piling food on my plate! I was made to eat at fork point!! T_T. I'm so full -_-.

   They're goin to meet some actor dude whose in town and stayin at Aj's buildin and were askin if I would like to go. I said I couldnt but I think they intended to drag me away anyway (O_O). BUT, my dad was outside that room and pointed at his watch and at the exit, so I think they believed me when I said I had to go... I ran all the way home... Hopefully tonight I'll be tired enough to get some sleep...

   I've been sleepin at 3 n 4 again for the last two days... After almost 2 weeks of sleepin off before it was even one!!! So I'm guessin it was the runnin that got me tired enough to sleep... Today wasn't exactly a very happy day. I was in one of those moods again. -_-. I really need to do somethin bout them... Anyway, I really really hope I don't stay up all nite again... I know I need time for myself and all... but I don't think its very good for me... Darn it! My stupid system doesnt work... Don't even have music to put me to sleep. *sigh*

   Anyway, mom n dad will probably be home soon... K's back from d camp. He seems tired. Well, he has a right to be!!! 3 days of sittin in that bus!!! Poor kid... My hands are trembling again. I wish they would stop doin that -_-. Anyway, I better go. I'm already gonna get lectured for reachin d club half an hour after dad called. *sigh* My back hurts... I really do whine a lot don't I? -_-

   22 days for my NLS results... *crosses fingers* I really really hope I get in...

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I'm so so tired.
So very tired.
Tell me, whats the point of it all?...

Its been almost four years... I should have died that nite... I shouldn't have survived...
Sometimes I think that the reason everything is jus so... fucked up... is coz I lived... I cant help but think I was meant to die that day...

How different would things be?...
If I had taken my life that nite...?
And how different would life be if I had never existed...?
Thats all I want to know...
I know I've caused pain here... I jus need to know the extent of the pain...

Atonement...
Thats what this is supposed to be...
But all I do is cause more pain...
More n more...
Who does it help?
My existence?...

I dont need it anymore...
I dont want it...

STOP TRYIN TO SAVE ME...
Let me stay on this tower of ice...
Its cold but I need to be here to survive...
Its the only thing that can contain me... till it's time...

The snow wont stop fallin...
But I dont mind..
It seems so fresh, so pure...
so... untainted...

I should have left...
I shouldnt hav got this "second chance"
I dont want it...
But now, Im cursed to stay...
I'll stay n hold ur hand through the dark...
If you promise not to miss me...
When I leave...
I have no reason to stay...
But Im cursed...
Cursed to exist till the last flake falls...
Till its almost dawn...
And then when the sun's rising...
and the cold's melting away...
I'll look into the sun....
And I'll fade away...
along wid the stars...
and along with the snow..
till all thats left behind with you..
is the sun rising in the sky...
a puddle of cold water slowly warming on the ground
where my tower once stood tall in the snow...
and the memory of a dream...
where all was dark... but I cud stay...
Im sorry but its time... I will fade away...

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