8 posts tagged “vash”

I'll cry with you if I have to
I'll try and make you laugh
I'll stand by you if you feel alone
I'll be your company
I'll sit with you when you want to cry
I'll try and convince you that your life is worth living

But if you want sympathy, go somewhere else.

Don't expect me to feel sorry for you
Don't expect me to try and snatch that rope away from your hands
Don't expect me to cry because you think you can't "be strong anymore"
Don't expect me to beg you to stop hurting yourself in the ways I do to myself just so you can make a trade

I hate you when you get like this

You want to kill yourself?
You want to hurt?
You want to torture your own mind?
Lie to yourself?
Cry yourself to sleep?
Cling on?

Fine.
Go ahead and fucking do it.
Don't tell me your grand plans.

You want to die?
Then don't give me the gun to keep.
I want NO part in this.
Just leave me alone.
I need no more nightmares.

You are weak and pathetic.
And you fall further in my eyes every single day

The joker was right
Even the best of us fall
Well, you know what I've realized?
I never liked the best amongst us much anyway.

Change.

For the longest time, I thought I was fond of change, not just used to it.
Life has been full of change.

But you know, you'd think that moving to a new place every two years gives you enough opportunities to become a new person every time. A new school, new friends, new house(s), new rooms, new surroundings... you get what I mean...

However, the truth is, you never get to start over. Every where that I went, there were - well - people I knew. And who knew me. There was someone I had to be. Some things I had to do. I made up for it by being almost completely random. To a point where I could do anything and no one would do more than blink. Coz I was Jade.

I was supposed to be that way.

I made myself that way.

Cut to the present. Or at least to a year ago.
I enter NLS. B'lore.
I know not a single soul.
I'm in a city I've never lived in.
I have no relatives living within a hundred mile radius.
And I've come here because I am tired of fading away.
I've come here to burn bright and turn to ash.

Instead...
I seem to have accidentally pressed some sort of restart button.

Nesthead-kun and I were talkin today.
About the conversation from a lifetime ago. When he told me I should visit a psychiatrist, and if it helped he was ready to come along. *rolls eyes*
...
It was very nice of him though...

We went and saw the half constructed weird building like thing.
It still stands.
And he says, so does what he once told me, a million lifetimes ago...

I smile.

I don't intend to die here.
Not anymore.
I may.
Especially if I don't get off this "highway to hell"
But you know what?
I've taken my foot off the accelerator.

"Life is ours, we live it our way..."

I just saw a messenger of death butterfly/moth.
Ironic.
*smiles*

And just the fact that I say "ironic" and not look upon it as an omen means... well, things have changed...

I started out on this post trying to talk about how I realized, just a few weeks ago, that I loathed change.
But in the process, I guess what I learned was, that this time, things have changed...
and

I don't mind...

*smiles*

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow -
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up
Whe he might have captured the victor's cup;
And he learned too late when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It might be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

My first Carry...

Damn it.
I really didn't wanna cross this one line, you know?
But I guess if you ricochet off walls without any real control, sooner or later you are gonna fly out the window...

*smiles sadly*

I haven't told my parents yet. I guess I'll just break consti and land laws news along with history. Why give 'em three heart-attacks when one would be fine??

I spent over 5 hours at Pecos yesterday. It was fun. A-kun left yesterday... It was quite sad. I felt horrible. Vash has gone off too. For a week. I suppose I could finish projects. Besides, SF is almost here. *tired smile*

Another Saturday night spent outside. This is becoming a habit. Oh well, I'm only gonna be 19 once, ne?

I saw 'Remember the Titans' yesterday. It is simply a stunning movie. The Ramifications and implications of this movie hit me deeper than they did the last time. It kept reminding me of "To Kill a Mockingbird". The ease with which everyone accepts that this is how it has always been and thus always will be. Quite scary...

Anyhow, I'm quite numb right now. I really don't want 7 courses in third year's first trimester... I think I shall go read or something. Maybe get some sleep...

Maybe...
Maybe, one day I'll realize the same thing he already has...
Maybe I already have, but just don't wanna face it...
The fact of the matter is, I'm fucked... and sometimes, I don't think there is any hope left...
I guess...
I guess I'll let this be my one last shot...
No.
I need to rephrase that.
This IS my last shot...
and I don't know if it will work.
Maybe it won't.
Maybe it will...
Either way, only time can tell.
Time, and the rest of us...

So... I'm in a relationship.

*grins sheepishly*

And... well, nothing really... Just wanted to put that up...

*pause*

Oh god!!!
Such a spaz I am!

I'm confused again.
And suddenly so sad, but in a pleasant way... like you are after you've had a brilliant day. You know its over... Or more like... well, I can't explain. Thus the confusion...

I don't want to hurt anyone.
Especially not someone I care about.
But I do that so often... and so... I dunno what to do...

"Go with the flow"
that's what you said
Well, I hurt you too... and I'm still learning to live with that.

No matter what
This time is going to be different.
It has to be...