1 post tagged “who cares”

Note- This was written by me in my "wonderful" college in Nov 2006... *sigh*... Dont ask...

    They ask me why I don't smile anymore. They wanna know what happened to my "enthusiasm", "cheerful spirit" and "bright and friendly nature"... Why I sit all alone in a corner, Why I dont take part in the debates, discussions and Dramas...

What am I supposed to say?

    I can't smile anymore coz it takes too much effort, coz it takes energy I just don't have anymore. As for why I'm always so "quiet" and "depressed", why I've "changed" so much... I don't really know how to explain it. When I got here I was carrying forward with the momentum of the previous few years of my life. You could compare me to a cell, I need recharging and I havn't been able to do that for a long time. I could still smile since I amn't totally out of charge yet... But every pretend smile & laugh, every pretend carefree word & sentence takes so much out of me, that I'm sure that if I keep it up... I will die out...

 
    I've been this way all my life. But before, I always managed to hide, to pretend I could... feel. I managed to smile when times needed smiling, to laugh when circumstance demanded it. I could pretend... because I had to. If I didnt, there would be questions. Unasked and unanswerable. And I didnt wanna see those questions in people's eyes. But here, how does it matter? Why should I pretend anymore? What for?

    If you think I care one bit about the whispers behind my back, the pointing fingers, the snickering, the laughing or even the full out discussions... you're wrong. Dead wrong. I've never really cared about what people think.. maybe what they feel... but never what they think. Before, I was surrounded by people who were foolish enough to get too close to me,... no, to be honest, I was foolish to let them... & then every action of mine had the power to hurt them, so I had to pretend... Here, things are, in a way, the way they should be. At the end of the day, the only person left hurting is me...

    I don't need their approval. Don't need their advice or protection. Not their love,nor their guidance. I dont need their empty words nor their apparent sympathy, dont even need real sympathy for that matter. I dont need them Dont need anybody...

    What have I ever got out of pretending? More pain. They keep tellin me to shut up, to stop laughing, to not be so loud. I've been stripped off my shell over and over... Then why do they ask "Why?"? Why do they ask for explanations? Is it only to taunt me? To show me that they have the power to decide who... what I will be? That I am nothin more than a lifeless puppet on strings?... Or is it truly because they do not understand... they may or may not have been the reason I am what I am... but they were the ones who sent me down this way...

    As I scribble away, I can't supress the twisted smile I know is playing on my lips. I glance up and see them look away. I would tell them to stare to their heart's content. Doesnt really matter to me, but wait, thats not why I smile... Its coz, here, on this page, are the words that they would all love to read. The answers to all the furtively whispered questions... and they'll never know...

AND they'll never control me. They can sit & wonder and debate & discuss all they like. Try and figure out why I walk alone. Why I dont smile anymore... but they'll never know...

I look at my watch. Its almost three. Finally time to leave. Too bad I have to return tomorrow. But before I leave, I just... Never mind... maybe some other time...
 

You know, sometimes, jus sometimes, when I say I'm fine... I jus want someone to look me in the eye and say "tell me the truth"... So that I know, even if people do not know what is wrong with me, atleast they know something is...

    They leave, waving a distant goodbye. I wave back. Tomorrow is another day... only it will go the exact same way. It doesnt matter. Nothin really does. Sometimes I cant help but wonder... What does it feel like?... Not bein alone... As I look back up at the empty room, another twisted smile... Guess I'll never really know...