18 posts tagged “why?”

In my head, it is all the same.
I can;t type properly, because it is cold... and I won;t stop shivering,,,

I could close the windows... but then the net will not work... and I'm cold enough tonight...

Who am I?

Why does this bother me so much?

I'm not an alcoholic.

Really!!!

But I'm cold... alone... and just a person on my own...

How does it matter where I'm from?

I'm afraid... coz I dunno what to say...

You were suppose to save me!
Why now?

Why?

Why do I worry?
When it is you saving me?
Coz nothin lasts forever
and November rain keeps fallin

Even though it's July
And Christmas is long since over
I keep trying to learn
And its been longer than forever

Dunno what I'm saying
Everything is mixed up and wrong
Hope I know what I'm doing
Hope I;m playing the right song

Angst as usual
but tempered with life
I may be miserable
But there;s always someone with more strife

Makes you feel pretty miserable
Feeling miserable at all
when there are folks dying
with no one to call...

At least I have life
at least I have you
Even though you may not love
at least care, you do...

So, I'm on and as of now tuned into channel "Make yourself miserable". What am I doing in this place? I don't like law. Well, it's okay I suppose... But only in the "It will do... for now" kinda way. Not the "I wanna do this for the rest of my life" way. I want nothing to do with law.

Angry Sarcastic Bitch: Why don't you just quit then?
Annoying responsible loser : Because I fought to get in here. Fought with Dad and every one sitting in B_____ and D____ wanting me to go stay/study with them! I fought to get to Law School!!! How can I tell my parents I don't wanna stay?! And besides, it's not like I have an alternate plan or anything. It's not like I can go up to them and say "Oh, guys. Sorry. Just realized it's not law that I'm interested in, but XXX (Astronomy, Biology, whatever). Why? Coz there is no XXX.

But the truth is, I didn't come here to do law. From the start, It was just about getting away. Well, I'm away from home now... but stupid blissfully ignorant me is just waking up to the fact that the whole world is more or less the same... At least in this dimension. Or society. Whatever you want to call it. The fact remains that I can't just walk up to my parents and tell 'em I'm sick of living like... well, who? People my parents would call respectable? Normal?

What am I doing? I'm studying something I don't care bout, in order to get a job I don't want so that I can make money I won't need to buy things I'm happier without!

I do have an alternate plan actually> Go to Goa/Gokarna/quiet place, open a small cafe like place, earn just enough money to keep a roof over my head and manage basic food and clothing stuff. I want to wake up each morning to the sound of the ocean and the birds... I want to work in a small quiet place where random people will come and go, where my life may not make any significant changes to the world... but it will be mine. Completely. I want to own myself. And I want to go to sleep tired and content. (Stoned would be an added benefit ^_*) Then why don't I just go ahead and go?

Because... because I don't know how to do that to my parents. Not yet. Because even though somewhere deep down I'm sure that it would be the better option, I don't know how to get that across. There's also the fact that it's contingent on other people, but I could work around that. I know I could... It matters, but it's a little bump in the ground compared to the volcano of an issue my parents will be...

So, I stay here. Stuck. reading things that mildly interest me - if I'm lucky, getting wasted ever so often, doing things I shouldn't be doing just because I shouldn't be doing them and so on.

It's like the TV is on, but the only signal I'm catching is this society's... and it's so powerful that every time I try to tune in to any other channel, the societal signal keeps interfering with the new signal... leaving me with nothing but static. I know I'll have to try further frequencies. I know it's definitely out there somewhere.. but a little part of me tells me not to try... coz it's afraid that this is the only signal out there. And if I go too far - out of range -  I'll be left with nothing but silence... and I won't be able to come back...

So I choose the known evil. Static. Always just at the edge, but never leaving coz I'm afraid I won't know the way back. And I may need to come back because I'm not sure if there's anything out there. And even if there is I don't know if I'll find it...

Turned on, but can't tune in till she drops out... Can't drop out till she finds where to drop out to. And can't find out where to drop out to till she tunes in.

The cycle continues.

And I stay stuck in the rut.

What now Mr. Leary? What now?

Dear Stan,

You are a fool to have left us so
Little Juna still goes to that field everyday
to wait for you
She doesn't believe us when we say you are not coming back
She believes in you
And you left
Your mother sits on the porch all day
watching the tree you used to climb
Your father has never put down that glass
It is always full
He doesn't drink too much though
But it is his only companion
Whiskey still sits with hopeful eyes at the door
He wags his tail every single time a car drives up
and his ears droop each time he realizes it's not you...

And I?
I'm okay.
Life goes on
or as you would say "The show must go on"...
Well... it has...
except, no one cares anymore
And no one's around to make us laugh at ourselves
And we think about you a lot...

Your friends came by yesterday
It was your birthday
Not that I expect you to remember or care!
You never did when you were here
Well, we all sat together
We talked about days long gone by...
We talked about you
and how it was good that you finally got away from this place that bothered you so
...
But you left us here darling...

Remember how we used to sit in one circle and sing till dawn?
We did that last night
We missed you so
I would like to say no one cried...
but we did...
I did...
I'm sorry darling
I jus...
I just wish you were here...
That's all...
Wish you were here...

..

I should be studying
But clearly I am not
I don't think I know why
Or maybe I just forgot

I know I'm sober
Just like I should be
And I have not stepped out all day
Just stayed in the room with me

With three repeats to give
I clearly have no choice
Maybe once they are over
I will have reason to rejoice

I will do all the things I used to
and maybe something new
I may find a cure for cancer
I may visit the local zoo

There will be so much to do
Strawberry Fields will finally be here
I have waited so long for this trimester
For different reasons, I have waited for a year

Alas, for now I need to study
For otherwise I shall surely fail
and then I will have nothing to do
Except regret my actions and perhaps wail

But I still do not study
instead I find myself online
Writing silly rhymes
and wasting all my time

I should be studying
But clearly, I am not
I really don't know why
Or perhaps I just forgot...

you don't want me...
Never did.

Why can't you just
let me go?

Why do we fight?
Why do we dream?
Why do we hope?
Why do we continue?
Why do we look to the heavens when we don't believe in God?
Why do we smoke?
Why do we drink?
Why do we love?
Why do we chase?
Why do we desire?
Why do we die?
Why don't we know when to stop?
Why do we regret?
Why do we think?
Why do we do all those things that we know will haunt us?
Why do things bother us?
Why do we question?
Why do we live?
Why do we die?
Why do we dream?
Why do we wake?...

Whenever I feel lost again...
Whenever I feel like I can't stand the pain...
I'll think of today...
and the tears in your eyes...
and I'll smile, and I'll stand straight...
even though it goddamn kills me...
Because...

I never wanted to cause you any pain...
yet I did...
And I want you to think we are all okay...
especially me...
If it helps you, I'll follow you everywhere...
without looking back at those bloody foot-prints...
because...

I care just that much...