It really is quite funny. Swore I wouldn't go buy vegetables these hols. Had to do that already. Swore I wouldn't meet a single law-schoolite, especially not a first year. Already met lin.
So how do I like this place? Well, I've been out the whole day. Mum, Dad and I left at around 10 in the mornin. Went to a whole lotta banks, K's school and then the mall. I HATE banks almost as much as I hate buying vegetables!!!, I'm freaked out bout K coz I can't stop thinkin about the line of ppl in Law School from his school. err... They're all really nice, but still... -_-... oooh, Hi Robert-san. err... No, I never said you were strange. heh. *nervous laugh*
Anyhow, yes, the mall! *desperately tryin to change the subject* I did buy a lot of food and clothes. *nods* I bought many tops, a shirt, a skirt and this really nice green dress. I love it. Mother did not want me to buy it, but then again, neither did she want me to buy the skirt. I guess that's what the problem is with being a don't-give-a-fuck kid. I wore whatever they got me for so long, they just can't see the fact that I AM almost 19, and once in a while, I like wearing something that isn't from their century. *shakes head* Never mind. I guess I'll always be 7 in their eyes...
Lets see. What else did I buy? Well, Pringles must be mentioned! The rest of it is just general stuff I guess. We got back at bout 1900. Oooh, I finally did have a hot dog today. *sighs dreamily* Finally!
Anyhow, the rest of the day was ok... There was a little yelling in the middle. I ran out though. Met Lin and then as I was supposed to buy vegetables and yoghurt, set off to find 'Mother Dairy'. I got lost on my way though... But to be honest, It was kinda nice. I like being lost. No... I guess... I like looking for the way. It isn't very essential that I find it, but I do love looking for it...
Am having the weird sort of sweet yoghurt that I got. Hmm... It's kinda strange, but it is yoghurt, so ^_^
Anyhow, I need a cigarette. Am goin crazy livin here. I'd say I can't wait for college to begin, but i'm not done recharging yet...
Cya later...
She leaned over the gray stone sink, her dark eyes empty and unfocussed, seemingly staring at a point beyond her own distorted reflection. A sad lonely song played on in the background, but she seemed oblivious to it. Someone was banging on the fragile bathroom door. The girl didn't move. She did not even seem to hear. Silence filled the air. She kept gazing at whatever it was that only she could see. The song ended and another began... Her eyes filled up with tears...
For a while, she let them swim there and then... she blinked, a confused look flitting across her face. Suddenly, she reached up and angrily wiped away the forming tears with the sleeve of her white too-big T-shirt. As she accidentally dragged the sleeve down her face, the frown changed to a grimace. Her head snapped up to attention and she stared at the girl in the mirror as if seeing her there for the first time. Her eyes drifted over the straggly dark hair that fell over the pale face, down to the dark blank eyes. Her gaze stopped at the red line drawn across her left cheek. She reached up slowly and winced as her fingers brushed against the mark.
Her eyes widened as the screams filled her head once again. The dark kohl had smeared across her pale face and for a moment the girl in the mirror frightened her. The empty lifeless eyes, the lack of expression on her face, the detached pain the bruise was giving her. For a moment, it wasn't her reflection she was staring at, it was her ghost. The banging began again, but she paid no attention. The words in her head drowned out everything else. The song changed again. People began to shout, in worry, in fear, in panic... but the girl was too busy listenin to the voices in her head, staring into the mirror, afraid to reach out and touch it because she didn't know whether it was the glass that lay shattered or if it was just her reflection. Either way would hurt her... either way she would break. Either way, it didn't matter, because... there was no real difference between her and her reflection.
A faint smile played upon her lips as the blackness swallowed her. A little longer and she wouldn't have to bleed anymore...
I don’t wanna see!
I don’t!
I never asked for this…
I still can’t tell the difference… between what’s real and what’s not…
And I don’t care anymore…
Because… it’s all equally real to me… and hence equally fake…
Why would anyone wish for this?
I don’t understand…
Just… either make it all go away… or make it all mean something… anything…
I’m tired of wondering when everything will make sense…
I just want to know why…
it’s always like this…
I want to know how I got here…
And I want to know if there’s actually a way out…
Be strong?
Gentle?
Proud?
Of what?
Explain to me…
I always thought that there would be something we would all look forward to… and some memory that we’d always keep with us forever…
And every time things got too hard to bear, I could just shut my eyes and think of that one day… and everything would be fine… but…
I can’t remember…
I
can’t remember any part of that…
Who I was… What it meant… Nothing…
It’s hurtful… to think that there was a time when everythin mattered so much… and when a single word could brighten up the day… and make even the darkest skies seem beautiful…
There must have been a day like that… right?...
Then… Why can’t I remember?
Why is it so far away?
I remember… when it rained… and I’d sit outside waiting… for something to make it all better… but nothing ever did…
No matter how long I waited…
I know there was a time when all that mattered was everyone close to me being happy…
When did I settle for safe?
When did I decide that was more important?
Why can’t I remember?
I want to…
But I’m so afraid… of remembering… because I’ve tried so hard to forget…
I must have my reasons right?
We all do…
Always…
But still, some days… when it rains… I find myself waiting…
And I still don’t know for what…
]]>I shouldn't even be writin right now... especially not directly...
Am so high...
It's jus so sad, that all we seem to be livin on are pictures of each other... whether real or the ones in our head...
I jus miss reality you know?
I guess all of us try so hard to escape it, that when we finally do, we're jus too glad to really care bout what we've given up...
But I do...
I'd rather live in total fear of the real tmrw... than safe in a fake today...
I miss everythin that kept me going... before it turne out to be just these substitutions...
But that's all any of us do, no?
Replace reality with somethin fake... because artificialty is so much more perfect than reality...
There's nothin I've ever wanted more... but I guess you always feel like that bout even the substitutions...
I guess, in the end, all you can do is stop wondering what you've traded in for where you are... because this is where you are... and this is what you now are...
You can never go back... so there's no real use of regret...
Front porches... I just miss swinging... the moment of weightlessness, when nothin matters... not the ground nor the fact that you'll always only be there... stuck to the pkace you've carved out for yourself...
You can miss the ppl you got used to... but thats all you can do... you can't wish em back... not the moments... and not the people...
Who we were, will always mean so much... but it can never defeat what we are now... all we can do is get used to it... and stop complaining...
"Swing life away"
I suggest you hear this song... Thanks for the song link Mave-chan...
Thats pretty miuch all the junk I have to spew this time...
Cya later...
*smiles*
]]>Every time this song plays now… all I can think of is him…
And the fact that he’s gone…
It’s pretty weird actually, considering I never even knew him… but I guess… it’s jus selfishness, coz I wish I did…
]]>