6 posts tagged “why”
Are you happy now?
I wouldn’t know…
I hope you are…
I’m so sorry for everything…
All the things I couldn’t live up to…
And all the things I never said…
Do you think of me sometimes?
Does anything remind you of me?
Or have you erased me from your life completely?
I don’t know…
If I could forget…
Everything…
Every single memory…
Would I?...
Forget all the things I was supposed to do…
And everyone I was supposed to protect…
All the times I failed…
And all the times trying as hard as I could wasn’t good enough…
Would I?
Every single time something made me laugh
Or cry…
I don’t know…
I don’t want to forget…
I can’t…
Not again…
But then, wouldn’t it all be so much easier?
I just don’t know…
I’m still flying around the same old fire…
But I don’t remember why…
I love this song...
It's... perfect...
You can make that out just from the opening itself...
Moth... by Audioslave.
Thought I was different, it seems I'm just the same
As again I put my hand over the flame...
Explains everythin you ever felt but couldn't put in words...
Every single time, you think that this time, it'll be different...
This time, you won't fall...
that you won't let the same thing happen ever again...
but it always does...
Thought I was smarter as I flew into the sun
...
I don't fly around your fire anymore...
It's what you keep tellin yourself... but no matter how many times you burn, and how many times you fall, you always crawl back to the light...
Over and over...
Like a dying moth...
I love the heat, I love the things that I forgot
I love the strings that tie me down and cut me off
And it's true...
You really do...
Just like dreams you can't remember...
no matter the pain they cause...
you love them, because you know they mean that there IS an answer...
and it's not just the darkness out there...
When did the flame burn so high and get so hot...
And how didn't you notice?
The flames creeping higher and higher...
Maybe because that also meant it was getting so much brighter...
and sometimes,... chasing away the dark is worth getting burned...
Why do you stay?
Every time...
Why?
You know what happens when you get too close to the flames...
when you stay too long...
You know exactly what happens...
and yet you stay...
Why?
I wouldn't really know...
but in the end... I guess... isn't it better to burn brightly for a while than fade away slowly into the cold night?
Maybe...
just maybe...
that's why...
I hate bein alone...
and I absolutely LOVE it at the same time...
It's the only time I can really think... and I hate doin that... but I need to...
Does that make any sense?
It doesn't really to me...
You know, Iw as jus lookin at some old pictures... and It felt so weird...
it was like I was lookin at someone else's life... n I guess in a way I am...
I dunno..
I must get everythin back togethr.. but I can't seem to...
Doesn't matter... at least not right now...
I love this...
if it was up tp me... I would be like this every single wakin moment of my existence...
it's better than bein asleep... n Havin the same dream every night...
the one I can never remember...
I hate wakin up after that,,,
Just for once,... I want to go to sleep without really worryin bout it... I don't think it'll happen...
Not after my stupid vow...
I hate it when ppl swear to god... someone who they've never really seen in their lives...
i know that sometimes the most real things are the ones you can't believe... but... I dunno....
I just want all this to make sense someday...
Not today though...
Today. I am happy lost in this maze of disillusionment. Oh my, is that even how it's spelt?
I dunno....
I love it when none of this triviality matters....
"And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea...
but for now, we are young
Let us play in the sun
and count all the beautiful things we can see,,,"
There always seem to be so many more of those when I feel this way...
and I love it...
I do NOT care if ppl think it's nasty of me, or horrible or whatever that I end up this way...
thois is the closest to happy memories that I have...
Everythin else is too distant....
It'll never matter... n that's what I love...
I don't know if 37 and a half is what I'll reach/cross... but for now... that's good enough...
Am I good enough yet??
I dunno...
and it doesn't matter....
Never mind this randomness...
I'll see you later, kay?....
I read about them…
And I see their stories
Written with ink so red
It’s the same ink I use
We all do
But does that make me one of them?
I smile… sometimes
And sometimes I even manage a laugh
Does that make me one of the others?
I don’t know where I stand anymore
Both worlds mean so little…
And none of them matter…
Is that why I still stand at this line, not knowin which way to fall?
Or is it because I’m afraid I’ll hate the world I choose
Or miss one world too much if I forsake it?
Time to choose?
Must I?
I don’t know…
But I’m tired of livin in the middle
On this line…
“In a place like that, someone like you has an equal chance- of slipping and fallin… or finding your footing and being able to rise… Its upto you to decide… “
My father told me that before I came here…
I can’t make that decision…
I don’t know if it really is mine to make….
I also can’t choose which way to go
Coz I don’t really know which way is “forward” and which is the other
Everythin’s all the same
An endless cycle of… I dunno
Doesn’t matter…
I’m wandering off topic…
It’s just that…
I see where this leads
And I don’t want to be there
I don’t want to write those very words one day
Knowin there’s someone halfway across the world who wishes for me to stop
Even though we’ve never met
I don’t want someone to feel that... sorry for me…
So do I float or do I sink?
Anything’s better than going under over and over
And knowing that every time I make it to the surface…
I’ll jus’ go under again…
There is one decision I must take soon though…
Who to appear to be…
Coz…
I’m runnin out of time to paint my mask…
Finally spoke to Seth... Its been such a long while... I miss the boy so much... He's hurt again... n I havn't even been there for him... But how could I have been? How can I try and keep him together when I can't do that much for me... I'm losing the pieces.. and I've ceased to care...
I'm glad Mave's around...
She takes care of him.
Talks to him
Tells him she loves him
I hate myself for stayin away so often
But there's nothin I can do...
I don't even dare ask him if he's cut again...
Why?
Coz I'm afraid of the answer
"Yeah"
And more importantly, the question that's sure to follow...
"Have you?"
I was wonderin why I really did cut... and well, these are all the reasons I came up with... will keep updating...
Coz I need to feel. Pain is a feeling, and I need it to tell me I'm still alive
Coz it feels like I've been havin a dream... and I jus' can't wake from it...
Coz it bothers me to see my outer skin look so whole and unbroken while I feel jus' so torn...
To bring myself back, coz I go so far away that I'm afraid that someday, I won't be able to return...
To remind myself.
Coz I can't cry
Coz its a habit
Coz I wonder how much I can really take
Coz I loathe the person I'm turnin into... or maybe hav already become...
Coz I'm afraid of losing control
Coz I prefer pain to nothingness
Coz nothin matters
To watch me heal,... even if it IS jus' on the outside...
Coz I want to remember
Coz I need to forget...
Coz I need to hurt, before rage consumes me... I'm afraid if not me, I'll jus' hurt someone else...
