She poured out another shot and downed it. After an entire week of agonizing, she had made up her mind. She was going to go talk to him tonight, no matter what. She slipped out of the dim bar determinedly. She even had the entire conversation planned out in her head. What she would say in response to every thing he could say. She had even decided where they would talk and how she would bring about the topic. She was sick of the thoughts rattling in her head. And tired of trying to guess what he was thinking.

He stood outside on the balcony, a half forgotten cigarette dangling loosely from his lips. It was a nice night. He looked back into the house and saw the file lying on the table. An odd expression flitted across his face, and then he smiled, taking a deep drag and exhaling slowly into the cold night air. It was going to be a long night.

So, after a couple of shots of vodka, for the strength, she made her way across the busy streets towards his house. It was a pretty night. The city lights drowned out most of the stars, but the ones that she could still see were beautiful enough. She was wearing her black dress. The one she was wearing the first time they had met. She wondered if he would notice, or remember... She didn't think so... She didn't know if she wanted him to... It would be less painful if he had forgotten. She didn't know why but she wanted to see him in it, considering it was the last time she was going to see him, at least for a while.

He made his way into the house and sat down in the dimly lit room. He glanced up at the file and muttered to himself. A short laugh followed by a frown. He looked away from the table and his gaze fell upon the small box lying under a chair. Standing up, he made his way towards it, a strange look upon his face. Kneeling by the chair, he pulled out the box with slightly trembling hands. It fit in his palm, and he stared at it for a long while.

It wasn't like she wanted him back, she reminded herself. It was just that this needed to be over, and the only way she could do that was talk to him, get it out of her system. She wasn't going to cry. No matter what, she was not going to cry. A wave of dizziness washed over her and she made her way to the sidewalk where she sat down at the edge of the road, resting her head against a cool metal pole. She knew she shouldn't be drinking. Not tonight. She pulled out a cigarette and a matchbox. Unable to light it because of the way her hands were shaking, she rummaged around in her bag until she found the lighter. Click. Light. Drag. Something fluttered to the ground, and as she picked up the faded photograph, a tear finally found its way down her pale face.

It seemed like he hadn't moved for hours. He knew he shouldn't open the box. God knows he wanted to, but he couldn't. Not now. It would surely destroy him. Turning it around he traced the crack along the side of it with his thumb. He closed his eyes as if something had just stabbed him in the heart. Why tonight? Why did he have to find it tonight?? Pictures ran through his mind and his eyes shot open. No. He couldn't close his eyes right now. It made him remember. He didn't want to. Not now.

She looked up at the house. The address seemed right, though it looked as if no one was home. She walked up to the door... and suddenly, it all seemed too pointless. What was the use? She was kidding herself if she thought one conversation would actually help her. But this wasn't about her. She owed him an apology... No... She owed him an explanation. She stared at the door bell for a while, and shook her head. A rain drop fell from the skies and she turned to leave...

He stared at the box for what seemed like eternity. The cool wind told him it was about to rain. Rain. He hated the rain. He hated it because it reminded him of strawberries and long sad conversations... and because it reminded him of the last time he had seen her. Had she been crying? It was impossible to tell because of that rain... Standing up suddenly, he made his way unsteadily to the phone. Holding the receiver up to his ear, he dialed the all-to-familiar number. It had been so long, yet every digit was engraved in his memory.

She walked away quickly from the house, suddenly afraid of running into him. Her flight out of the country was in a few hours. A few more hours and she would never see him again. No, that moment passed by the last time it rained. As the water started falling faster from the skies, she looked up and smiled, glad it was raining. But, it didn't really matter anymore... This time there was no one around to hide the tears from. Making her way onto the porch of an empty house, she leaned against the pillar and slid to the ground. There was no point. None.

 An image of her in her long black dress made its way into his mind and he hung up before it connected. What could he say? There was nothing he could offer as way of explanation. The truth would only hurt more than the silence did. She couldn't know. He couldn't let her find out. The file on the table seemed to mock him. Leaning against the wall, he raised his eyes to the ceiling. There was no point. It was over.

And so the door was never opened, and the phone never answered. Simply because she never knocked... and he never called. And the faded photograph continued to fade away in a corner of the bag while the broken box continued to stay broken. And the rain continued to fall on two people halfway across the world from one another... and even though it shouldn't have mattered because there was no point... it continued to matter.

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Tonight's going to be my 'alone time' night. A bottle of water, a bar of chocolate and music... and I'm all set for the night. It translates to a lot of thinking and a lot of writing, which means a LOT of posts. Should be a good thing considering I haven't done much of the former for a while now...

J canceled vivas but I had mine today. I told proff. that my dad was coming to town on Monday and that it would be nice if he could hold the viva today. How did it go? I dunno. And right now, the important part is that its over. Heh. -_- This sort of thinking is so gonna get me KILLED!!!

Then G.B, A.M and I went out to nags in the pouring rain in A.M's car and drank coffee. Smoked a cigarette and then came back and waited in the parkin lot for the rain to stop. Listenin to music, watching the rain, smoking... was very calming... Of course then we had to run through the rain coz A.M's sister needed the car. Lol...

I didn't smoke up. Am I proud? Glad? Retarded? lol, I dunno. Didn't feel like yesterday when I crushed that cigarette... but it still felt kinda nice. Is this a new phase? I sure hope so... I'm gettin tired of the old one. Oh, on that note, lemme type out a msg I sent to a friend today.

"You know what? I loathe what life's become. I loathe that smoking, drinking and drugs is wat everything seems to revolve around. I hate that I've now really become someone I was sure I'd never be. And I'm scared that once I stop.. I'll have nothing to replace it with. Lol, but trying's what life's all about, no? I succeeded at gettin into it. Will I make it out? That's something I'm too afraid to try now. And I dunno if its because I may fail.. Or because I may succeed"...

I walked around in the rain for a while. I love the rain. *laughs* I know, I know, I say it too many times... but I do... Like I said today... Give me endless rain and I'll give up everything else. Everything.

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He's mad at me again. We keep running in the same predictable little circles, never getting anywhere. It scares me. The whole situation. So much so, that every bone in my body is screaming at me to turn and run. As fast as possible and as far as possible. yet for some strange twisted inconceivable reason, I just don't. As I was walkin behind him today, wanting to explain, to try and make sense of this whole mess, I kept trying to say something, but the words just wouldn't come. They got twisted and lost inside. No, in fact, they simply disappeared. Burned up so completely that I didn't even have any ashes to show for my thoughts.

And I would have followed. But then what? I don't know what the point of all this is. I really really honestly don't understand. We're just causing each other and ourselves so much pain. But I can't leave. I'm tired of not understanding. I just want someone to explain to me what in the world is going on.

Sometimes, I want to pick up a rock and hit him on the head, really hard! Or just shake him till his teeth rattle. I want him to tell me what it is thats bothering him. I hate him being mad at me. And he's always mad at me. I thought I'd just avoid him coz I thought that it was the right thing to do. I thought he'd be better off if I was just gone... but weirdly enough, its like being bound. He has to tell me I have to leave, and only then will I be able to. I don't want to, but if it makes everything ok, I will...

I just don't know what to do. I don't know what'll make everything better... I don't know if anything ever will...

But last night, I was sitting there, with those shards of glass spread out before me. It was almost 5 in the morning, and then he messaged saying he had jus woken up for some strange reason... and I was so scared. I don't understand this.

I'm tired of being glass. And I'm tired of shattering...

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What goes around does come around, ne?
I don't know if I can do this anymore... except I don't think I really have a choice...
I'll survive...
I will NOT be weak...
...
...
...

Why do you think I'm strong?
I'm not...
I can't be...
I don't want to feel...
I was better off before...
I'll go back to it... if I can...
I don't know anymore...
I'm just so very tired...
Friends?
I have enough of those...
They can't make the rain stop...
and they can't stop night from falling...
Its okay...
I don't mind...
I love the rain...
And the night is the only time I can breathe...
So...
I guess I will stand...
Things will get better...
if not today... then tomorrow...
and if not then...
well... someday they will...
I'll live for that day... whenever it may come...
*smiles*
I'm okay...
I deserve this...
For all the lies I've ever said...
for all the tears I've caused...
Don't feel sorry for me...
I don't want pity...
I just want... all this to stop...
And I'll manage it on my own...
I don't need your help... and even if I do...
I sure don't want it...
So go away...
live your life...
I don't mind... and I don't blame you...
after all...
What goes around comes around...

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Note- A letter to a friend. Hey, you wanted me to put this up here right? Even though you're probably never gonna read it...

Let’s talk tonight.

I know we should have done it long ago… while you were still around… but we were always so caught up in everything else…

And now you’ve gone so far away…

So, I guess I’ll just have to do with talking to the wall, hoping that somehow you can hear the words I always meant to say…

I never lied to you.

I always said, that this couldn’t go on forever, and that sooner or later, I meant to leave… and you agreed saying if I didn’t leave you surely would…

If both of us were so sure that this was all a mistake, then why do I feel so lost right now?

I keep wondering how you’re doing.

You seem fine…

And so I pretend I am too…

But every time you see right through me, I feel… horrible… as if I really am invisible, floating through this foreign world like some sort of ghost.

And I feel alone…

You told me that you were finally content… and that everything finally seemed like it was under control…

I don’t wanna mess that up.

I can’t… but I know that if I stick around for a while, I will…

So you’ll never see the scars, and you’ll never really hear what I‘m trying to say…

I guess it’s not really us talking tonight…

It’s just me…

And no one’s listening…

Good night darling.

For what its worth, thank you…

2330

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Are you happy now?

I wouldn’t know…

I hope you are…

I’m so sorry for everything…

All the things I couldn’t live up to…

And all the things I never said…

Do you think of me sometimes?

Does anything remind you of me?

Or have you erased me from your life completely?

I don’t know…

If I could forget…

Everything…

Every single memory…

Would I?...

Forget all the things I was supposed to do…

And everyone I was supposed to protect…

All the times I failed…

And all the times trying as hard as I could wasn’t good enough…

Would I?

Every single time something made me laugh

Or cry…

I don’t know…

I don’t want to forget…

I can’t…

Not again…

But then, wouldn’t it all be so much easier?

I just don’t know…

I’m still flying around the same old fire…

But I don’t remember why…

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I love this song...

It's... perfect...

You can make that out just from the opening itself...

Moth... by Audioslave.

12 - Moth

Thought I was different, it seems I'm just the same

As again I put my hand over the flame...

Explains everythin you ever felt but couldn't put in words...

Every single time, you think that this time, it'll be different...

This time, you won't fall...

that you won't let the same thing happen ever again...

but it always does...

Thought I was smarter as I flew into the sun

...

I don't fly around your fire anymore...

It's what you keep tellin yourself... but no matter how many times you burn, and how many times you fall, you always crawl back to the light...

Over and over...

Like a dying moth...

I love the heat, I love the things that I forgot

I love the strings that tie me down and cut me off

And it's true...

You really do...

Just like dreams you can't remember...

no matter the pain they cause...

you love them, because you know they mean that there IS an answer...

and it's not just the darkness out there...

When did the flame burn so high and get so hot...

And how didn't you notice?

The flames creeping higher and higher...

Maybe because that also meant it was getting so much brighter...

and sometimes,... chasing away the dark is worth getting burned...

Why do you stay?

Every time...

Why?

You know what happens when you get too close to the flames...

when you stay too long...

You know exactly what happens...

and yet you stay...

Why?

I wouldn't really know...

but in the end... I guess... isn't it better to burn brightly for a while than fade away slowly into the cold night?

Maybe...

just maybe...

that's why...

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I hate bein alone...

and I absolutely LOVE it at the same time...

It's the only time I can really think... and I hate doin that... but I need to...

Does that make any sense?

It doesn't really to me...

You know, Iw as jus lookin at some old pictures... and It felt so weird...

it was like I was lookin at someone else's life... n I guess in a way I am...
I dunno..

I must get everythin back togethr.. but I can't seem to...

Doesn't matter... at least not right now...

I love this...

if it was up tp me... I would be like this every single wakin moment of my existence...

it's better than bein asleep... n Havin the same dream every night...

the one I can never remember...

I hate wakin up after that,,,

Just for once,... I want to go to sleep without really worryin bout it... I don't think it'll happen...

Not after my stupid vow...

I hate it when ppl swear to god... someone who they've never really seen in their lives...

i know that sometimes the most real things are the ones you can't believe... but... I dunno....

I just want all this to make sense someday...

Not today though...

Today. I am happy lost in this maze of disillusionment. Oh my, is that even how it's spelt?

I dunno....

I love it when none of this triviality matters....

"And one day we will die

And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea...

but for now, we are young

Let us play in the sun

and count all the beautiful things we can see,,,"

There always seem to be so many more of those when I feel this way...

and I love it...

I do NOT care if ppl think it's nasty of me, or horrible or whatever that I end up this way...

thois is the closest to happy memories that I have...

Everythin else is too distant....

It'll never matter... n that's what I love...

I don't know if 37 and a half is what I'll reach/cross... but for now... that's good enough...

Am I good enough yet??

I dunno...

and it doesn't matter....

Never mind this randomness...

I'll see you later, kay?....

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I read about them…

And I see their stories

Written with ink so red

It’s the same ink I use

We all do

But does that make me one of them?

I smile… sometimes

And sometimes I even manage a laugh

Does that make me one of the others?

I don’t know where I stand anymore

Both worlds mean so little…

And none of them matter…

Is that why I still stand at this line, not knowin which way to fall?

Or is it because I’m afraid I’ll hate the world I choose

Or miss one world too much if I forsake it?

Time to choose?

Must I?

I don’t know…

But I’m tired of livin in the middle

On this line…
 

“In a place like that, someone like you has an equal chance- of slipping and fallin… or finding your footing and being able to rise… Its upto you to decide… “

My father told me that before I came here…

I can’t make that decision…

I don’t know if it really is mine to make….

I also can’t choose which way to go

Coz I don’t really know which way is “forward” and which is the other

Everythin’s all the same

An endless cycle of… I dunno

Doesn’t matter…

I’m wandering off topic…

It’s just that…

I see where this leads

And I don’t want to be there

I don’t want to write those very words one day

Knowin there’s someone halfway across the world who wishes for me to stop

Even though we’ve never met

I don’t want someone to feel that... sorry for me…

So do I float or do I sink? 

Anything’s better than going under over and over

And knowing that every time I make it to the surface…

I’ll jus’ go under again…

There is one decision I must take soon though…

Who to appear to be…

Coz…

I’m runnin out of time to paint my mask…

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